The Continuality of Existence
by Trial of Ash
Summary: Salvation appears in the guise of love. Would you believe in it if your life has always been in pieces? KuroxFay Yaoi
1. Chapter 1

**Author's notes: **

This novel length fiction is inspired by the movie Boy A and Jason Mraz's – Details in the Fabric (which also prompted me to write 'Be Good to Yourself'). It bears no similarity to the movie and to be more accurate, it was the emotions that I felt after watching the movie that got me into writing this. As usual, Fay and Kurogane are my muses since they fit perfectly into any characters you throw them into. Of course, they are beautiful and drool worthy as always.

I apologize for any grammar mistakes that might take away your reading pleasure. I do not have a beta and do not intend to get one since I am not very adept at following up with something I had already posted. However, do leave me a note should you spot any mistake and I will correct them accordingly.

Anyway, enjoy and leave me a review or some constructive criticism if you are bothered enough.

**Warning:**

Rightfully, you should not be reading this if you're under 18. But I guess there's little control over the traffic at this website. There are mentions of sexual abuse (throughout the story) and man-sex in future chapters.

**Spoilers:**

This is an AU fic so there are no spoilers.

**Disclaimer: **

I have no wish to own the title or copyrights for Tsubasa, although I wouldn't mind the boys…(drools onto my keyboard again as my imagination starts churning out images of Kuro and Fay getting it on by the beach.)

**Summery:**

**Salvation appears in the guise of love. Would you believe in it if your life has always been in pieces?**

_Head in my hands cowering_

_Darkness creeping beside my footsteps_

_Stifled screams muted sobs_

_Skeletons in the closet_

_They freak me out_

_Dreams spoken aloud_

_Not through my lips, not with my voice_

_Nail raked sheets running threads_

_Blood sleeked skin slides_

_Strains against binding clothes_

_Pale eyes staring_

_A dimension hidden between_

_Shadows migrate underneath the underneath_

_Beneath them all…my shattered self resides._

_- Cattyfuzzy_

**The Continuality of Existence**

**Chapter 1**

The air was dry and charged with static, tell-tale signs of a pending storm. The cat hating the wetness and humidity that comes with it wrinkled her tiny nose in distaste. She had strayed too far from the farm, enticed by the thrill of a hunt. Time passed unnoticed until she caught a whiff of the unfamiliar smell of petroleum burning. In the far off distance as she retraced her steps, she saw thick grey swirls of smoke rising from the area of her farmstead. She blinked curious as to what would have caused such a phenomenon to appear. Her first thoughts were of the boy…had something happened while she was gone?

She was worried for the blond hair boy. He was wasted…that…she found out soon enough after she was brought home shortly. He always refused food and spends most of his time sitting by the heath for hours on end. She could tell he was trying to call for help but he didn't know how to. His mother labeled him a liar and he was graced with more slaps than words of love. The old man was always dragging him into the bedroom in the mornings after she leaves the house for work. She would see the boy a few hours later, limping around the house with bruises on his thighs that never seemed to disappear. She left this morning when she saw the old man dragging him in again. She could tell the boy had an air of resignation about him but it was clearly not a sign of defeat.

But humans are complex creatures and never predictable. Their course of action was not always in tune with common sense or logic. She thinks everything should be fine because she still sees him smile everyday and wasn't it what they say…if you are happy, you smile… still she could not shake off the feeling that something more sinister seems to be brewing beneath that façade.

By the lower delta of the Mississippi River, life went on oblivious to the despair and struggles of a boy. It was a day like any other and just like any other fine day everyone went about their own business, blissfully unaware of matters that didn't pop out in their way conspicuously. Somewhere further down the river on that fertile land, a grim scene was being played out. No matter how gory the view point was from the ground, it did nothing to mar the sight of baby blue sky and fluffy white clouds above.

Cerulean eyes stared unblinkingly at the open field ahead, watching cotton flowers sway in the breeze. The floating embers from the fire behind him singed his skin and the burning heat coiled around him, he ignored the discomfort. The unwelcomed odor of burning furniture and charred flesh stings his nose. His body still running on adrenaline and mild shock did not register the suffocating tightness in his chest or the frantic wails of the fire engine from afar.

He smiled as he saw the cat sauntered out of the bushes towards him. Her silted amber eyes regarded him with suspicion. She swished her tail freely grazing the weeds as she passed by, nonchalant on the events unfolding before her. Her wandering nature had been pivotal to her survival in this incident. He wondered if she realizes her home was no more or if she was bothered about it at all. He scooped her up in his arms and kissed her gently between her eyes, immensely glad that she was alright. He took a step forward and heard the sickening squelch. The crimson liquid that drenched his shoes was still warm. He moved stubbornly forward with his eyes closed, ears searching for the sounds of the fire-men alighting from their trucks. He could hear the murmuring of the other farmers who had gathered around. They must be curious as to what had happened. He was sure they will have plenty to talk about soon.

He walked into the embrace of an elderly woman, a blanket wrapped securely around his shoulders. She sat him down and soothed his hair, cleaning his face with a wet rag, murmuring empty words of comfort. She didn't know what happened inside that house. There was no comfort to be offered for what he endured under the care of those monsters that he has to call 'father' and 'mother'.

There was nothing left for him here now, he could only sit and wait to see what fate have been decided for him…

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

The man narrowed his dark piercing eyes as he listened to the contents of the letter droned out in a monotone voice. His frown deepens as his secretary spoke. It was absurd. How could he end up being the guardian of a man who wasn't even a distant relative?

He grabbed the file from his secretary and scanned through the papers himself. The photo of a man with sunken cheekbones and lifeless blue eyes gazed back at him. He continued reading as bits and pieces of the man's life revealed itself to him. The signature of another name at the end of the document sparked some recognition in him.

Rayne Crawford, his mentor and caregiver when he was still a paralegal in England had passed away. He was once his inspiration, someone who had given his career that important boost and raised his name to the forefront in the world of law. He didn't even know about it, he pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed deeply. He ran through with vacant eyes the letter pulled from the bottom of the stack, unable to think or accept it as reality yet. The news of his mentor's death brought a familiar pang of lost and grieve he experienced when he lost his mother.

"Old hermit…you didn't even give me a chance to say goodbye…" he whispered as the first tear escaped from its confines. He clutched the piece of paper tightly in his hands, crumpling it as the floodgates opened. He leaned back onto his chair as the discrete click of the door closing reached his ears. Glad that no one was here to witness his moment of weakness, he gave in to his grieve and let his tears mourn for the lost of a man he once looked upon as a father.

oooooooooooooooooooooooo

Kurogane spotted Fay as soon as he stepped out of the airport, the man easily recognized by his hair color in the sea of black. Admittingly, he had filled out and looked much better than how he was in the photo. He observed as the blond hair man took a step back and leaned against the wall, taking deep breathes as if he had just completed a 100 meter sprint before leaning back against the wall.

Although he has much affection for Rayne, he just couldn't get why he had to do this. He's busy enough as it is and could barely make time for himself much less another human being. Especially another human being with an emotional baggage that he has no clue as to the extent of the damages and how he was supposed to handle someone like that. Further more as a lawyer who specializes in commercial law, he has no experience in this arena regarding the sensitivities of human emotions. He didn't know what to make of this situation and he was weary of stepping into the unknown.

He pondered for a moment, thinking about what Yuuko's reaction would be and how it would affect their love life. Well, it wasn't much of a relationship to begin with…at least from his point of view. He had never been in love with her or to be more precise, they have never been in love with each other. They were together simply for the sake of satiating their more carnal needs and that Yuuko was unlike other woman. She doesn't need assurances or any commitments from him and like any man looking for a no strings attached relationship he accepted it without any preambles of the consequences that might follow.

'Bonk!'

He was jerked out of his short reverie by a loud honk behind him. He turned back to glare at the car behind and managed to catch the driver withdraw his hand which still was fisted into a symbol of vulgarity. _'Can't he even give me a minute…' _he thought irritably as he reversed his car from the first lane to park beside the curb.

oooooooooooooooooooooo

Fay stepped out of the airport and squinted despite the cover of his sunglasses. The city buzzed with life and the quick jerky movements of the people around him made him dizzy. It was disorientating and so different from the quiet town he had left behind. He worried for a moment, wondering if he made the right choice as a familiar bout of nausea hit him. He took a deep breath and leaned against the wall behind him, slowly repeating the words that have became a mantra to calm his anxieties towards life in general.

"_Forget your past son, there's still plenty for you to live for." _

He smiled to himself as he remembered the words of the man who gave him his salvation and offered him hope when there was none. He had accepted with a heavy heart the last gift the old man left for him, a new lease of life in a foreign land and to live his life as a man who missed out too much due to circumstances that was not of his doing. Above him, another plane whooshed past drowning out the sounds around him temporarily. He picked up his luggage and stretched his neck trying to look above the crowd for the person who was supposed to receive him.

"Humm…excuse me…" a deep soothing voice with a barely discernable English accent spoke hesitantly from behind "are you Mr. Daniel Favian?"

Fay turned around barely suppressing a flinch as he stared into the strangest pair of eyes he had ever seen. The color dragging up memories best left forgotten in the darkest corner of one's mind.

The man whose stature and presence commended the attention of anyone standing near him gave a casual shrug and a lop-sided smile. His body language suggested to Fay that he was used to such reactions and might even find amusement in them. Those eyes with blood red pupils sparkling with mirth told him as much.

"Kurogane Ryuken?"

"Well…this is he. Sorry, I was caught in traffic." Kurogane apologized as he gave Fay a firm handshake, noting irrelevantly on how soft and cool his hands were. The strength of his grasp and the texture of his skin gave nothing away about the years of suffering he endured. But his eyes said everything…haunted and shifty, they hide secrets of an unspeakable crime he had committed as a young boy. Kurogane wondered what Rayne saw in Fay; he must be really special to the old man. He imagined the resources and strings Rayne had to pull to get this man away from the hell hole awaiting him for the next half of his life.

"It's fine." Fay replied with a quiet smile.

"…"

"Thank you for all this…"

"No worries. Oh…let me help you with these." Kurogane said as he bent and took the suitcase from Fay's hands, surprised by the lightness of it. "My car's right ahead…" Kurogane gave a quick nod of his head in the general direction where his black Lexus SC430 was parked by the curb. He opened the door for Fay and observed the blond hair man fidget about in his seat, uncomfortable even in his own skin. Kurogane thinks it was those years of living on the edge in less than desirable environments that have rendered him with the inability to enjoy material comforts even when offered.

The ride was filled with awkward silence and Fay took the opportunity to enjoy the scenery around him. He watched the greens on both sides of the highway slowly disperse to reveal quiet towns with compact and squat houses squeezed together in miniature plots of land. The muted color of the houses amidst the vast numbers of cherry trees in bloom was a charming sight. It invoked a sense of peace within him and slowly he relaxed against the seat, willing his tense shoulders to loosen up and sink into the buttery soft leather of the car seat.

The view gradually changed as skyscrapers started appearing; the scenery rearranging itself as the car exited the highways. As they passed the invisible border into Shinjuku, the buildings that loomed in the distance a few minutes ago seemed to swallow them up. Further into the city, in-between those giant skyscrapers sat quaint little houses and temples that seemed to belong to a totally different era, the city itself a paradox of old and new. Fay found that the multitude of buildings clustered in every visible corner of his sight made him claustrophobic. Anxiety gripped him again and he turned his gaze towards Kurogane and watched him concentrate on maneuvering the car in and out of cramped streets instead. He tightened his grip on the seat belt, determined to curb the habit of getting hysterical every time he experienced something new.

It has been three years since his release. Every milestone he conquered along the way since he attained freedom was fraught with frazzled nerves and near breakdowns. Six months upon his entry to society, he felt the world at large was still really too 'large' for him at that point. His release caused a ripple once again in the sleepy town he grew up in. There were those who supported him and there were also those who'd pay hell just to see him disappear from the face of this earth. Fay had never experienced that much love and hate in that magnitude and he would never wish for it again. This was why Rayne moved him to Florida, Cedar Key in the hope that the small community there would offer Fay some respite from the negative publicity and over whelming public interest that hounded him 24/7 in Mississippi.

Rayne, whose presence in his last four years of his prison life allowed him to experience the love of a father he never had. Fay had his doubts to regarding Rayne's motive in the start but the old guy never failed him and after he learned about his son's death, Fay understood his reasons for diving so selflessly into the cause of freeing him. Rayne didn't want to see another kid waste his life away if he could help it. He petitioned long and hard on Fay's parole for early release. Ten years was long enough for a kid who committed a crime in self-defense.

He was immediately taken under Rayne's care after his release. Somehow thankful that there was finally an end to all those visits from the prison psychiatrist and priest, sessions with them were pointless. They didn't live in his head and they didn't understand the fundamentals of his suffering. He never was clinically depressed in the first place. He didn't have that overwhelming sense of inadequacy or hopelessness and neither does he feel profoundly sad. He was however, filled with anger and he searched for a reason for what he has been put through in life with great passion and desperation. But his insecurities about life in general and distrust towards other people was deeply embedded, years of separation from society disabled his social skills. A crippling effect that had him ostracized first hand before strangers gained knowledge of his time spent in prison.

He remembered Rayne's patience in coaching him some vital facts of the Do and Don'ts regarding social etiquette and even enrolled him in college so that he can complete his education. His life was coming round and for once he thought, he could finally start living as a normal person. Alas, fate does not dictate it to be as such…Rayne died in a freak accident. Fay raged against the injustice of it, not comprehending why the good ones always have to go in the worst ways. He raged because he felt betrayed and left alone once again with his hopes shattered. He wonders how many times this will have to happen before the end of his life.

Than depression set in, without a guiding hand to lead him, Fay lost himself in the small world that was Rayne's summer house in Florida. He settled into a routine of staring into space at odd hours in the morning, often going without food for days at a time until the housekeeper came in with the doctor to have him force-fed. He was committed into a psychiatric ward a month later after he tried to bite the same doctor. His condition was appalling when he was admitted. He lost more than half of his body weight and badly dehydrated, often delirious and his emotions an unpredictable swing of ups and downs.

Rayne's associate, Scott came into the picture a week later after many failed attempts on trying to contact his client. It wouldn't be this way if Rayne was still alive. All that red tapes and paperwork was frustrating, the worse thing was nobody even managed to get through to the young man for the period of his stay at the ward. He was finally able to get Fay discharged from the hospital with the promised that he will still be under medical supervision in the country that he's heading to. Fay proved to be an easy charge to take care of once you understand his basic needs. He just needed to grieve and given time enough, he slowly came out of it. Scott provided Fay with as much details as possible regarding his next guardian, a total stranger to him but someone who had the financial standing to support him but most importantly, someone whom Rayne trusted with his life. He would continue what Rayne had started. Strangely, the motives of Rayne when spoken by someone else sound frightfully affronting to Fay.

To Fay the news seemed to signal another unnecessary upheaval in his already chaotic life, he wanted to find closure for so many things but he was never given an opportunity. He wanted to mourn for his lost childhood, lost innocence. He wanted to mourn for the death of parents whom he wasn't sure he hated or loved more and he wanted to mourn for the most important person in his life…Rayne. Most of all, he wanted to mourn for himself. His identity would be erased once he signed the papers for his 'exile'; Fay Flowright will be no more. His sordid history wiped away with a few hits on the keyboard of a computer. If only real life was as simple as that. He will be known as Daniel Favian from this point on; he thought the name sounded too sturdy and untainted for him. The aftertaste of that name when spoken made him feel like he had drank out of a rusty can.

"We are here." That same deep calm voice announced breaking Fay away from his reminiscence. He watched Kurogane got off the car before passing his keys to the valet and opening the trunk to get his suitcase. Fay got out and looked up at the grand and imposing building situated in the middle of Shinjuku, the exterior layered with black hued glass, reflecting the afternoon sun glaringly towards the neighboring buildings. He felt slightly intimidated when he entered the lobby. It was covered from top to bottom with glided gray marble and a concierge counter which no one was manning at the moment. The lift doors slide opened with a gentle ting and Fay couldn't help but thought whoever who designed the interior was pushing it a little too much. He didn't like the place at all…it was cold and indifferent. He thought of the house Rayne had…he missed the warmth of it terribly.

They alighted from the elevator at the last level, Fay stood by the corridor looking down at the city as he waited for Kurogane to open the door to his apartment. From the top, the neon signs and giant LCDs screens that made the city so colorful and vibrant disappeared, the city looked drab, grey…lifeless. The rain clouds floating above in the sky made everything looked even drearier. He turned and looked at the man who was supposed to be his caretaker for the next two years and wondered what life held in store for him in this city.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Kurogane watched Fay carefully as he ushered him into the hall, fully aware of the man's discomfort as he explore his new environment like a precocious kitten investigating its new surroundings. He could tell he wasn't used to this blatant display of wealth. Apparently, Rayne was not a flamboyant person despite his status. He kept to a simple lifestyle and his home reflected his personality. Warm and open. Whereas, Kurogane believes he should pamper himself whenever possible because life was short and nothing good will last forever. Of course, he was not reckless either. He invests his money carefully and kept watch of the stock market. He made sure that if he were to retire in his mid thirties, he would not have to work to maintain his lifestyle.

"You live alone?"

"Yes and I have a housekeeper who comes by everyday. You'll see her later."

"You have a dog?" Fay enquired as he heard the muffled bark down the hall.

"Oh…yeah…that too." Kurogane said as he headed towards one of the smaller rooms and opened the door. A blue grey-hound leaped out immediately and clambered about its master's feet, yapping and wriggling its tail vigorously. Kurogane gave a gentle admonishment as he bent down to stop the dog from raking its nails down his pants during its 'welcome home dance'.

"What's its name?"

"Manju." Kurogane replied and the dog gave an excited yap when he heard his name.

"Man…ju…?" Fay repeated slowly and tilted his head slightly, curious as to what the word meant. He thought the name sounded too…adorable…for someone like Kurogane to name his dog with.

"Well…it's a sort of sweet bun. I named him that because that's all he wanted to eat when he was a puppy. I originally named him Sirius…but as you can see, he's not very befitting of that name now."

"He's lovely…" Fay said as the dog bounced towards him to welcome him next. It made him think about the cat he used to have a long time ago. He wondered if life had been kind to her and if she died peacefully. That would add to the list of one more thing he would never know.

"Hey, I'll show you to your room first," Kurogane said as he lead Fay down the left turn of the hallway "it's the room next to mine…I hope you'll find it to your liking."

Fay thought he need not worry about that at all. The room simple and sparsely furnished was a stark contrast to the interior of the rest of the apartment. In fact, he liked it a lot. In various shades of white and cream, it gives off a calming vibe compared to the dominant silver and black furnishing he had seen in the living room.

"I'll leave you to unpack…if you need anything, just let know. I'm home for the rest of the day." Kurogane said as he left the room with Manju in tow, tail still wagging like a windscreen wiper gone hey wire.

He went back to his room and stepped into the adjoining room that also suffices as his study. He flipped through the file containing Fay's documents again…the letter that Scott had wrote on Rayne's behalf lay on top of the stack. He re-read it and took out the manila envelope, still sealed. He fingered the sealed flap, not sure if he could deal with whatever that was recorded in the CD. Hesitantly, he tore the flap opened digging through a thick mess of forms that the banks had required him to fill up before pulling out a white CD sleeve. He switched on his laptop and inserted the CD.

A whirling hum started and a visual of an elderly man in his late 50s with silvery white hair appeared on his laptop screen. His jowls slightly sagging from his cheeks and warm sparkling brown eyes cut the edge of the lines on his face. His goofy grin gave others a false impression that he was easily trifled with. Kurogane didn't know how to articulate the feeling but it was weird to hear someone's voice when you know they had already passed over. He wished the whole thing was a bad joke and that Rayne was in fact still alive and doing well in Florida, waiting for his favorite student to visit him. He regretted not making the time to fly over to visit. But as most things in life are…thoughts of such deeds often came too late.

He listened to that familiar deep booming voice recite the story of what happened to Fay and why Rayne made the decision to make him his family. Kurogane listened with indifference not because he doesn't care but because years of being in his profession had cultivated the ability to absorb the most damning evidence or statements with a sense of objectiveness that most people wouldn't have. By the end of it, he could tell why Rayne had grown so attached to Fay…apart from the physical similarities; Fay's plight was truly sympathetic. How many children who suffered like him had fallen through the net and forced to a point where they could commit such gruesome crimes? How did a child who had been a victim of sexual and mental abuse became the prosecuted? But Kurogane knows that those who set and practice the law do not stand for the deed committed, they stand only for the causes that are of their interest. Sometimes even the guilty could escape its clutches if one has the right connections and social standing.

Kurogane took the manila envelope and shook out the huge stack of forms. He sigh as he laid them on the table…it would take some time to complete them. It took him almost an hour to finish filling those forms. As he stood up and stretched his aching back, he heard someone laugh. The sound unfamiliar to his ears and so light and unburdened, he could hardly believe it came from Fay. But the laughter stopped as soon as it had started and than some shuffling before he heard the door of a room slam shut, Manju's whimper reached his ears not soon after. He strode towards the entrance of his bedroom and saw Manju laying on the floor infront of Fay's bedroom. His ears dangling and tail beating the door in a gentle thump as it wagged it from side to side despondently.

"Come on..." Kurogane said as he prodded at Manju to move away. He threw a contemplative glance at the closed door, wondering if something had happened. '_Great…please don't tell me he's still attending therapy sessions?' _Kurogane whined to himself before he realized just how insensitive that thought was.

"Daniel? Are you alright?" He waited and knocked on the door when he received no answer "Daniel?" he grabbed the knobbed and twist it firmly only to find it locked from the inside. He was considering getting the master keys when the door finally opened.

"Sorry, I…"

"It's ok, just checking." Kurogane replied, his eyes narrowed as he looked at Fay through the gap of the door. His eyes were giving off that far-away look again "Are you sure you don't need anything?" he tried again.

"No, it's fine. I think I'm still suffering the after effects of jet lag I guess…I'll be fine after a short rest." Fay explained as he started closing the door again. He gave a soft smile and nodded to Kurogane "I'm fine really."

"Hn…have a good rest than. I'll wake you up for dinner." Kurogane replied. He was sure something had triggered the blond man's memory in order for him to look like that. He wondered how long someone was supposed to be haunted by such traumas and he made a mental note to call Scott first thing in the morning tomorrow. The documents given as he recall, did not mention anything about his psychological well-being.

ooooooooooooooooooooo

He was watching the evening news when Sakura came in, her presence dispersing the unidentified tension hanging in the apartment. Fay as it seems, was very good at locking himself up. Glad for some other distraction rather than the depressing headlines that flashed by on the screen, he ambled up to the bar counter in front of the kitchen and drawled out in a voice that always managed to make Sakura blush.

"So, what's for dinner today?"

"Oh…it's Katsu-Donburi, miso and kabocha tempura." Sakura replied as she blushed and gave Kurogane a reprimanding look. She burst out in spontaneous laugh when he winked back and threw a faux kiss in her direction "ne Kurogane-san, you should stop being so flirty otherwise Syaoran will force me to quit."

"Ah…that gaki…insecure as always. Perhaps you should get him to accompany you when you are here. That way, he doesn't have to drive himself crazy with all his useless and perverted thoughts."

"You know he's busy with that exhibition and he won't have the time."

"He never does anyway. How do you put up with him? He loves those bones more than he loves you."

"Don't be mean Kurogane-san."

"Fine…fine"

"He's here?" Sakura asks. She had heard about the new guy moving in but Kurogane seemed rather secretive regarding his background. She only knows he was from America and will be staying at Kurogane's place till he graduate from university.

"Yeah, he's still resting. Pretty quiet guy…"

"You were like that too when I started work here and you always have that scowl on your face. I could hardly talk to you because of that. Look at you now…no one would have believed you're such a chatterbox."

"Hey, I'm a lawyer. I'm supposed to be chatty. Anyway, the guy doesn't scowl…he just…he just kinda drifts off all the time."

"Ok…does he speak Japanese than?"

"I don't think so…well, he's enrolled in an international private university. I guess language won't be a barrier for the time being. They teach the foreigners Japanese there too."

"That's good to know. By the way, do you need me to get him anything?"

"I'll have to check with him on that. I didn't think he brought much with him…his suitcase doesn't even weight anything at all."

"Cut back on your gym sessions and I'm sure anything will start feeling heavy."

"Hn." Kurogane grunted as he reached over to grab a piece of boiled pumpkin, munching it with unspeakable pleasure. Sakura watched as he took another big bite and licked his lips before throwing a goofy smile at her. She laughed again and swatted at his hand when he tried to reach for another piece.

"Stop pinching and start helping out."

"Hey! I thought I was paying you to do all these stuff?" Kurogane grumbled good-naturedly as he stood up and walked behind the counter.

"I thought you enjoy these impromptu cooking lessons?" Sakura said as she passed him a huge bowl and whisk before pouring in the flour mix for the tempura batter.

"Only when I want to do it…not when forced into it."

"You can be such a baby Kurogane-san."

Kurogane smiled at her again before she launched herself fully into her duty. Truth to be told, it was good to have her around. She was like the sister he never had. It was also good because it stopped his mother from dropping by too frequently too. It wasn't that his mother had an intolerable personality or anything. Infact, it was quite the opposite. Her concern for him border on the edge of being obsessive and suffocating. Her maternal love no matter how noble only made Kurogane feel like running to the ends of the world. He grimaced as he thought about what would happen if she knew about the existence of Yuuko. He was sure she would rush him into a marriage he never wanted in the first place.

TBC

_18 December 2007_

_Kurogane Ryuken_

_President and CEO _

_Ryuken & Partners Law Firm_

_Shinjuku Oak City, Oak Tower_

_Nishishinjuku 6, 25F, 2-9-15_

_Juniso Dori, Tokyo 123-7987_

_Japan_

_Dear Ryuken _

_This letter was written with profound sadness as I bear news of grievous nature. As much as I wish you will never have to receive such letters, it is an unavoidable reality we all have to deal with. Although you should have been informed much earlier regarding this matter, circumstances have delayed my hand in composing this letter. _

_Rayne Crawford, my good friend and a respected business partner have passed away. Although we have never met and you may not know the full extent of my relationship with Rayne, I believe I feel the same loss as you do of his departure from our world. I do not think any words right now would be of comfort to you but let us believe that his soul had ascended a higher level and let us come to peace with the fact that he is now in God's good hand. _

_It would be vulgar of me to mention it at this point but nevertheless it is something Rayne would want settled as soon as possible. I was entrusted with the care of handling the process as stated in Rayne's will drawn up two years ago. He had adopted a young man named Fay Flowright. You will find more details of him in the file attached. I understand you might find this confusing and I am afraid Rayne had left me with only as many details as he had chose to give you. _

_Mr. Flowright had served time in juvenile prison and subsequently in adult prison but he was a victim of circumstances. Rayne cares deeply for this young man and he beseeched you to undertake this responsibility with an open mind. I hope this is not too much to ask for. You are a fellow lawyer and you know best how poetic justice can be. Rayne has also named him the sole receiver of all his monetary assets. This knowledge is not to be made privy to Mr. Flowright unless he has completed his education, until than you will be the caretaker of those funds. To protect his identity he has been_ _granted anonymity,_ _t__he state had his identity changed and he has been renamed Daniel Favian._

_I trust that the information provided above will be enough explanation on what Rayne's plans are. As for what he was really thinking about, I guess it will forever remain an enigma. _

_Lastly, please find in the manila envelope the contact of the personnel from the bank and a CD wherein the contents I have not gone through yet. It was stated that it is only for your personal and private perusal._

_Warmest regards_

_Scott. G Anderson_

_Associate Attorney_

_Crawford, Anderson & Weiss LLP_


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's notes: **

Anyone know Daniel Henney? He's my real life example of Kurogane (sans red eyes and fiery personality of the manga man Kurogane) but still devastatingly hot anyway. As for the real life example of Fay…I think I haven't seen anyone who fits the Fay that exists in the figments of my imagination. Well, if you guys found a real life person who's close, let me know…just for curiosity's sake.

Please don't misunderstand and take the contents of the poem to be of the chapter itself. The poem was just something extra I wanted to add in. They are mostly in Fay's POV and there will be one for the start of every chapter.

The chapters might be long-winded for some of you readers out there but I want to play with the dynamism the characters have with each other, so bear with me a little. I promise there will be Kuro Fay action somewhere down the road…

_I am standing in the rain waiting_

_Waiting for it to pour life onto me_

_I am too much like the walking dead_

_The screams in my head they never stop_

_You don't know how they haunt me_

_I'm so twisted inside there's no escape for me_

_My face found only in ashes, fails to hide from you_

_Naked and exposed_

_I just want to sleep and dream forever_

_Because if awake, I might fall and lose myself_

_And it seems, the world isn't so real after all_

_Blinded by the walls around_

_Will your love see me through?_

_As we lay in silence, I wish I had your strength_

_In the depths of your soul, there's a place for me_

_So hold on and be at peace_

_I'm coming and in dreams, we'll meet_

_- Cattyfuzzy_

**The Continuality of Existence**

**Chapter 2**

_The blazing sun shone down on the farming plains of Mississippi. The sweltering heat forced most of its residents back into their homes, seeking respite from the coolness within. The quiet of the town in the peak of summer was only intruded occasionally by the groups of teenagers visiting the grocer for their mandatory pop of soda. _

_The boy remained seated outside the local deli, undaunted by the oppressing heat. His blond hair soaked with sweat plastered stubbornly against his temple and forehead. He observed the carefree youths walking pass, envying their blissful ignorance and the felicity radiating from them. He licked his lips as if wanting to taste that feeling of happiness. Something he had not felt for a long time. He glanced at the clock hanging on the decrepitated wall, the paint yellowed and peeling. He thinks the condition of his soul is similar to it, eroding from within by the act of sin that man had committed towards him. He took another sip from the glass of vanilla soda. He had a few more hours to go before his mother ends her shift. He was reluctant to go back where his nightmare will be waiting for him; no doubt that man would be angered. He was expected back home hours ago. _

_He remembered the first time when he told his mother what happened. Her searing words of denial and tears brought guilt to him, he wasn't sure why he should be the guilty one when he hadn't ask for such things to befall him. He remembered how she sat by the table, rivulets of hot tears running down her face and murmuring with her head tilted towards the ceiling, asking God if her son had turned out to be a queer and why would he make up such heinous lies about his own father. As if heaven was a piece of wall paper imprinted to the ceiling. He might have found the whole scene amusing if not for the severity of the situation. Hurt by her refusal to believe him, he kept his silence until the second time it happened. _

_He went to her again with the bruises still fresh and visible. She slapped him hard than, shouting at him, proclaiming him a slut and warned him against saying all those nonsense. She wouldn't want the neighbors to be talking. He stared at her unmoved by her outburst. It was the first time she laid hands on him and it heralded the many that was to come. But he had caught her eyes when her hand came up and he realized…she knew. Sickened by the knowledge, he spitted at her crying out his rage…screaming that he hated her before running off. He didn't realize that his mother was only one woman against the cold world she existed in, a woman who needed a man to right her world because she wasn't strong enough to stand against it…_

"Daniel!" Kurogane's voice called out again. Fay blinked as he turned away from the window, caught up in reliving his memories, he almost couldn't hear him.

"Oh…yes?"

"Dinner's ready." Kurogane replied still irked by the man's ability to shut off from the world even when wide awake.

Fay stood up soundlessly, wrapping the shawl tighter around him. The temperature had dropped drastically since it started raining, not having prepared any kind of warm clothing Fay made do with the thin cotton shawl he found lying in one of the drawers, the smell of moth balls still vaguely clinging to it.

"Are you alright with Japanese food?" Kurogane asked as he eyed the olive green shawl Fay had draped over him.

"I'm not a fussy eater, Kuro-san."

"Ahmm…It's Kurogane."

"I know." Fay answered as he walked towards Sakura, greeting her with a smile.

Sakura stuffed another spoonful of rice into her mouth, her eyes thoroughly distracted by the blond man infront of her. It wasn't that she had not seen a foreigner before but he was simply breathtaking. Unlike the blond models she had seen in fashion magazines, he had a delicate and an innocent alluring look. His light golden blond hair framing his heart-shaped face, sway with the slightest movement of his head. His sky-blue eyes, bright with spackles of grey around his iris, expressed a soulful and haunted look that saddens her. She wonders what had happened to him. No one should look that sad.

Dinner was pleasant enough with Sakura trying to pick up conversations with Fay, her halting attempts on speaking English seemed to amuse Fay. He kept trying to correct Sakura's pronunciation only giving up when he realized it was the same when he tried speaking in Japanese. She was pleasant enough company unlike Kurogane who seemed rather cold at times.

"So, your parents are fine with you being overseas for such a long period of time?" Sakura asks innocently, unaware yet of Fay's sordid past.

"My parents…they are…no longer around." Fay replied, his voice almost a whisper.

"Oh, I'm so sorry Fay-san."

"It's fine." Fay answered and tried smiling at her again to ease her discomfort on stepping on such a sensitive subject. Somehow, Fay was surprised Kurogane had told her nothing and this is how it should be Fay thought. This is what it means to start a clean slate of life. You become a stranger to yourself; deceitful, a hollow shell stuffed with ready made fiction of a life which isn't really part of your memory…

Kurogane raised his chopsticks for another piece of the tempura as he felt goose bumps rising along the curve of his neck. While it was good to see the man smiling, he had never felt more bothered about some else's smile. Every smile he gave was empty, much like a glass doll whose expression was etched only to reflect what the maker wants. None of the emotions on their faces are real.

"Tsk…" he grunted irritably as he swallowed his food. Maybe he should head out tonight seeing that his guest prefers time alone "Sakura do you need a ride back home? I'm meeting someone later."

"Oh, it's fine. Syaoran will be picking me up tonight." Sakura answered with a smile.

"I'll go prepare myself first than." He said as he got up from his seat and headed to the bathroom.

"Are you meeting Yuuko san later?" Sakura asked as she craned her head. Her sight following Kurogane's retreating figure down the hallway.

"If she's there." He answered casually.

Sakura looked at Fay and shrugged her shoulders.

"Yuuko san is his pseudo girl-friend." Sakura tried to explain. Fay frown gently, trying to make out the words she was saying. Sakura gave a little laugh and decided that the information probably won't matter much to Fay. She shook her head and continued clearing the dishes from the table.

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

Kurogane scanned the bar from the club's entrance and spotted the person he was looking for straight away. Her long glossy black hair and flamboyant style not easily missed. He sauntered up to her from behind, admiring those curves that always manage to heat up his loins. She is a beautiful woman, classy and elegant. Her sharp pointed features and piercing eyes, dark as midnight would never allow anyone to forget once they met her. Of course, there is also her obsession for dresses with an impressive décolletage. When they met, she was just like any other client he has. What struck a lasting impression was her intelligence and her belief that she is equal to nobody but herself. Such pride and confidence are qualities rarely found in the average women. While most men would perceive her as overbearing and arrogant, Kurogane saw another side of her. She wasn't trying to be outstanding; she only honed herself to be fit for the world she lived in.

Their second meeting triggered a faint attraction between them. They seem to find themselves in each other, not in a romantic way but they saw characteristic of each other reflected within. Long conversations lead to meetings at the club they now frequent for their occasional rendezvous and than subsequently, to sex. He couldn't remember who proffered it first, there wasn't much difference now considering. But he wonders why Yuuko still has not got herself attached, it wasn't like she was lacking in suitors. Surely their kind of relationship won't last her forever. Is he being a selfish bastard than for continuing this…thing? Was he preventing her from leading a fulfilling life? _'Give it a rest…you're out for a good time. Not to philosophize about life or this ambiguous thing between you guys. She didn't object to it…stop giving yourself such a hard time. Enjoy the night while it's still young.' _Kurogane thought and relaxed his face immediately, soaking in the highly charged sexual tension in the air radiating off the people dancing around him.

"Hey…" Kurogane greeted as he nuzzled Yuuko's neck "How long have you been here?"

"Long enough." Yuuko replied cryptically as she blew out a puff of that acrid smelling smoke and gulped down another shot whisky.

"Had a bad day I assume." Kurogane stated instead of asking, easily reading her moods and body language after knowing her for so long.

"If you put it that way…"

"Care to share with me on what happened?"

"Nothing, just some crazy bastard who thinks he's smart enough to backstab me without my knowledge." She replied, her voice carrying just the barest hint of anger. She turned her head to face Kurogane, the sight of the man always managed to set her nerves straight. She didn't know how or when but slowly and surely, she found herself more and more dependent on his quiet strength and the warmth of his body against her. She will never tell him that though. She knows very well he is not looking for love in her. Even if he is, he would never fit into her world.

"What about you? How's that mysterious guest of yours doing?"

"How did you know? I haven't told you anything yet."

"You forgot for a moment who I am. Information comes to me whether I ask for it or not."

"He's ok…seems like a decent guy."

"So it's no longer convenient to head to your place than?" she asks feeling a little disappointed inside. While they officially weren't a couple, it was still nice to pretend that she was his one and only. She sighed inwardly, resenting the fact that she allowed herself to feel like a teenager at her age.

"It's ok. He's a man. Surely he understands that we have our needs too." Kurogane replied as he placed his order with the bartender.

"You have absolutely no respect for other's privacy." Yuuko said as a flash of mischief flashed across her eyes.

"Hn…it's the pot calling the kettle black." Kurogane replied with a smirk as he pulled Yuuko into his arms once more.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Fay woke up to the sound of shuffling footsteps and giggles that sounded distinctly like a woman's. It must be the girlfriend Sakura was trying to tell him. He twisted in bed and tried to go back to sleep but even in his bedroom, he felt prickly and strung up. He shouldn't be here listening to what they do next. The thought of a sexual act happening so close unhinges him. He continued listening as they headed to the bedroom, the rustling and shedding off of clothes magnifying themselves in his ears.

He felt his temperature raise and an uncomfortable tightness started in his chest, making it difficult to breathe. He dashed out of his bedroom and the apartment when he heard the woman moan loudly. The sound reminded him of a man's grunts against his ear so many years ago, the rest of the memories he had no courage to face them right now. He didn't want to think of rough skin chafing against his or…he stopped his momentum of thoughts as he bent over the railing in the stairwell and puked. He stopped for a moment to calm his heaving stomach and stared at the remains of his dinner splattered on the cement floor in disgust. _'Why am I still so weak?' _he asked himself before continuing down the stairs.

oooooooooooooooooooooooo

Kurogane stopped what he was doing immediately when he heard Manju barked. The sound of the front door banging against the wall alerted and sobered him in an instant.

"What was that?" He murmured as he drew his pants up and opened his bedroom door. Manju was sitting at the genkan in the dark barking towards an empty corridor. He turned his head and his blood turned cold when he saw the empty bed of Fay's room.

"Shit…Daniel's gone!" he said, voice raising a few decibels as anger and fear settled in at the same moment. He ran back into his bedroom and grabbed his jacket before tearing down the corridor and than turned the fire exit when he saw the lift hadn't moved at all.

Yuuko sat in the bedroom calmly adjusting her dress as she watched Kurogane speed off into the darkness. It was odd to see him so flustered over a stranger. He doesn't even raise a hackle in the most trying of times and to see him actually get into a panic over a grown man who just stepped out of the house for whatever reasons…

Now that troubled her. Without a word, she grabbed her handbag and left the apartment.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Kurogane dashed down the steps as he berated himself at the same time. When did he get so obtuse? He should know better than to do things like that! _'Great! I can't even have sex peacefully now!' _he thought grudgingly as he exited the building. He stopped by the security guard and asked if he had seen a foreigner ran past.

"Oh yes sir! I saw him running down the street and I was trying to give him my umbr…" the security guard stopped speaking when Kurogane just turned and raced down the slick wet street with the rain still pelting down.

Kurogane let out a breath of relief inwardly when he spotted Fay sitting at the bus-stop two blocks away. He approached the man with quick and heavy steps trying hard not to slip on the wet pavement.

"What the hell were you thinking running out just like that?" he shouted, unmoved by the slim silhouette sitting infront of the billboard, eyes still red from crying and body shivering from the incessant cold "are you daft? Kurogane shouted again.

Fay lowered his face and stood up with his arms wrapped around himself.

"I'm sorry."

"I don't need your sorry! Just be careful for God's sake!" Kurogane was still shouting, not understanding himself on why was he so mad about exactly. _'Maybe because you're the indirect cause of his tears?'_ the thought ran by Kurogane as he saw Fay flinched a bit from his outburst and tried to rein in his temper.

"Look…" he took a deep breathe and brush back the wet locks of hair from his eyes "if you're uncomfortable about something I'm doing. It will be appreciated if you could just tell me instead of running off like some adolescent."

"…"

Fay didn't answer and kept his gaze on Kurogane's red stormy ones; darken by anger, his gaze hard and cutting at the edges of Fay's mental strain. Images of his mother raising her hand repeating, raining down slaps on him came unbidden. He tried to shrink away backing onto a small pile of rubbish left by a group of inconsiderate youths. His senses and consciousness so conquered by his horrifying flashbacks he didn't feel the piece of broken glass cutting into the sole of his foot. Kurogane moved forward when he saw Fay backing away looking like he was ready to bolt again.

"I can't believe this…" Kurogane muttered again when he saw the blood flowing out from Fay's feet "could you stop with the drama? You're bleeding, can't you feel it?" he asked, voice a little more calm when he saw that Fay was only trying to retreat from his anger. He stopped every single motion of his body when he looked more carefully at Fay. His eyes had gone vacant, the worst thing was, he wasn't even looking at him even though he was standing directly infront of him.

Kurogane felt the goose bumps returned again.

He advanced slowly towards Fay and closed his hands firmly around those skinny arms; the blond man was freezing cold. He took off his jacket and attempted to wrap it around Fay's shoulders realizing belatedly that that jacket was already soaked…he hoped at least there was still some traces of his body warmth left.

"Fay…Fay!" He called out firmly as he shook the blond man hard. That action seemed to bring Fay out of his self-induced trance a little.

"Let go of me…it hurts." Fay said softly as he pushed against Kurogane's chest.

"Your feet…it's bleeding."

"It's ok…I'll be ok."

"Look, I don't understand what you're going through alright. But it's very obvious that you're _not_ ok. So stop with the _'nothing's killing me from the inside' _act."

"It's none of your business." Fay spit back, his voice full of bitterness. It was disturbing how perceptive the man can be at times like this. He struggled against Kurogane's steel like grip and freed himself sure that he will have bruises showing up tomorrow.

"It's like that isn't it? Well…yeah…walk away. See if I care!" Kurogane gritted his teeth, his words coming out in a hiss as he shoved his face infront of Fay's, eyes narrowed and blinking away the water running down his face. Fay did not deign to answer him. He had a bad enough night as it is and he was hurting from the cut though he tried his best not to show it. He turned away from Kurogane and started limping away in the opposite direction.

Defeated by his own temper, Kurogane huffed and slumped down on the seat at the bus-stop as he watched Fay's shadow slowly disappear into the cover of the rainy night. This was bad…it was only the first night and the situation had such a dramatic twist. _'Rayne, what the hell did you get me into?' _Somehow the thought of Rayne had him thinking straight. He was left with his mentor's last will; there was no way he was going to screw this up. He got up and jogged in the same direction as Fay had went, catching up to the frail looking man moments later.

"Hey…Daniel…Sorry!" He called out stretching his voice above the rain. Fay ignored him and continued walking "I said I'm sorry!"

His apology seemed to have got the blond man's attention. Fay stopped in his tracks.

Kurogane stood a few meters behind him as he observed the man hunched over himself with his arms about him…for a moment, he thought Fay was crying again. That was until he heard a stifled guffaw. Not believing what he thought he'd heard, he cornered Fay from the front.

"Have you totally lost it now?" He asked hesitantly, trying to get a better look at those cerulean eyes that was now partially covered by wet blond hair. Fay still trying to control his laughter looked up at Kurogane. That face that was showing so much anger just a moment ago had mellowed down, replacing the strained and frustrated expression was gentle eyes and a mouth pursed up in concern.

"No..." Fay replied shakily as he tried to control his voice "I just can't believe what a drama queen I can be sometimes."

"That's it?" Kurogane asked stupidly.

"Yeah…can we go home now? My sole's hurting like hell and look at us…two grown men standing in the rain without their shoes and looking half-naked. What would people think if they were to walk past us right now?"

"You're talking now..." Kurogane managed. He found it hard to believe that the blond man's mood could shift so drastically in a span of a few minutes. _'I'm so positive he's mad now, Rayne. Look at him…hurt, wet, cold and laughing about it.' _

oooooooooooooooooooooooooo

When they got back to the apartment, Yuuko was gone and Manju was still waiting by the door whimpering. Kurogane grabbed some towels from the bathroom and passed a large one to Fay. He than turned up the temperature of the heater before going in search of the first aid kit which he thinks should be laying about somewhere in the cabinets in the kitchen. He found it ten minutes later in the storeroom instead. By the time he went back to Fay, he was already asleep on the couch shivering in those wet clothes. Kurogane looked at the prone figure on his sofa, still bewildered by the blond's behavior and feeling pretty drained by the tumult of emotions he had been pulled through today.

Not to mention that Yuuko would most probably never come to his apartment after this incident.

He sat down gingerly onto the other end of the sofa where Fay's feet were dangling off the edge and studied the cut on his left foot, strangely glad that it doesn't look as bad as it seemed. He lifted the foot up gently and placed it on his lap cushioning it with a towel. He poured a gracious amount of saline over the wound and watched the towel below absorb the diluted red liquid. He supposed the pain stirred Fay awake when he heard the soft hiss from the blond man and than a rude shove from Fay as he snapped his feet to his chest with surprising speed.

"I'm just trying to dress your wounds." Kurogane said as he narrowed his eyes, irritation started brewing in him again.

"I'll do it myself." Fay said as cool blue eyes clashed with red steely ones again.

"Get over it, I won't do anything else. Incase you haven't noticed, I'm only interested in the female species." Kurogane said as he grabbed Fay's foot by the ankle roughly back to his lap again.

Fay cringed from the crude explanation and before he could stop himself, he had already given Kurogane a tight slap across the face. He sat back and waited for his retribution while looking at Kurogane's face turned an unhealthy shade of red, his jaws tighten and clench while his orbs turning near black in his rage. Fay squeezed his eyes shut and filched as he waited for the hit when Kurogane leaned forward with his arms stretched out…it never did though.

"Don't you ever try that on me again, I didn't ask to be your fucking nanny and you better understand that!" Kurogane gritted his teeth as he hissed those words. It was unbelievable that Fay managed to lay a hand on him; he had never been hit before. Even during the occasional fights that he got into, he was the one to land the punches and knock his opponents out. It was even more surprising to find he was taking the bullshit the frail looking man was throwing at him!

Fay snapped open his eyes when he heard Kurogane talking and tried to fight the suffocation his body was feeling due to the man's proximity. He could see the veins along those muscular arms pressing down on the back of the couch throbbing…Fay knew at that moment he had pushed too much. He nodded his head in silent agreement. Kurogane took a few deep breathes and sat himself down again before quietly asking for Fay to stretch out his foot once again. He felt the blond's body tense up again and he wrapped his hands gently around his ankle and circled his thumb along the moist cool skin.

"Just relax alright, everything will be fine." Kurogane said, his voice resuming the deep calming tone he normally spoke in, his hands working efficiently with the bandages and antiseptic cream.

"And would you take off my jacket…it's soaking the couch."

TBC

Conversation between _**Kurogane **_& Scott Anderson

Dial Tone

"Good morning, thank you for calling Crawford, Anderson & Weiss. How may I help?"

"_**Good morning, could you kindly connect me to Mr. Anderson?"**_

"Please hold for a moment sir, thank you."

Pause

"Good morning, Scott speaking."

"_**Hi, Mr. Anderson…This is Ryuken. Is it a good time to talk?"**_

"Oh sure it is, please, just call me Scott. How have you been Ryuken san? Is Daniel alright?"

"_**I should think so…I'll get straight to the point here. Is Daniel still in need of treatment?"**_

"…."

"_**Scott…? Mr. Anderson…?"**_

"Well, he is. I have arranged for someone to attend to him while Daniel is in Japan. I'm sorry he has not contacted you yet. I'll give him a call again."

"_**Also…"**_

"Yes?"

"_**Do you know exactly the condition of Daniel when you sent him off?"**_

"He was admitted shortly after Rayne's death and only discharged for two weeks before I sent him to you. He had a breakdown but I assure you that he's…"

"_**And you thought it appropriate to omit these details?"**_

"I thought it would be the best to send him away as soon as possible…he has…as you understand…too many memories here."

"_**(Loud sigh)…so which psychiatrist have you got for him?"**_

"Dr. Ashura Rai, he's stationed at Tokyo Grand University Hospital…"

"_**Thank you…I will take it from here than. It's was nice talking to you.'**_

"Humm…Ryuken san?"

"_**Yes?"**_

"Thank you for doing all this."

"_**Only for Rayne, Scott. Only for him."**_


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's notes:**

I am not going to question if any one reads the author's notes or not. I guess it is just another way for the author to communicate with their audience. I hope you guys like the story so far and I think this is one plot that had my brain working overtime like never before. I can't wait for myself to get to the part where Kuro falls in love with Fay…I plan for him to fall hard…really hard. Unlike the manga which never shows much of their fantastic love. I know my characters are always 'out of character' but that's what makes writing fanfiction so much fun. I love to mould the characters into something closer to real life and experiment with them. Which is why, I prefer to write AU fics.

I hope readers out there find the development of the story interesting. Also, I thank the readers who had left their reviews and although I may not thank you personally, please believe me when I say they are much appreciated.

Like every writer here…reviews are our bread and butter!

Enjoy this chapter!

_Wither grey when winter comes_

_Like the lake that freezes over_

_The mirror calmness on the surface_

_A façade of the bedlam within my mind_

_- Cattyfuzzy_

**The Continuality of Existence**

**Chapter 3 **

The vibrations from the phone buzzed against the dark oak desk, a gentle interruption to the meeting he was having at the moment. He quietly excused himself, turning away from his secretary and associate. The familiar number on his mobile was enough warning to what it may be about. Kurogane flipped open his mobile wincing as he was greeted by Sakura's angry sharp hiss. He immediately pulled the mobile away from his ear.

"Sakura…mind to lower your volume? I'm with someone here."

"Miyo is here! Why didn't you tell me that she'll be _here_!" Sakura's frantic speech resounded through out his sparsely decorated office. He could tell she was getting hysterical and he could very much guess the reason. Miyo must be picking on her work again. She could never agree with the way Sakura does her housework, everything was either still too dusty or the food was over cooked as always. Sakura was polite and patient at first but he guessed even someone with such an effervescent personality has her limits too.

"Com'on…she isn't that difficult to handle…" a vain attempt to pacify her when it comes to matters concerning Miyo.

"Oh…you're saying that because you're _not_ at the receiving end of her tirade!" she screeched again. In the background he could hear Miyo shuffling towards Sakura, enquiring if he's on the line.

"Is that Kurogane? Let me speak to him." Miyo's voice was anxious and sharp in the background.

"Ah…Miyo san…eh…" Sakura sputtered as she tried in vain to keep the phone away from Miyo.

"Dearie? When will you be back? I have waited more than three hours for you. Are you coming home? Your father was so mad at you today. Why didn't you come? You know it's her anniversary…don't tell me you forgot about it!"

"Miyo…I didn't forget…I will visit tomorrow." Kurogane replied.

"Ok, by the way…I left some food for you in the fridge. Are you coming back soon?"

"No, I still have another meeting to run. I won't be back till midnight. Why don't you head home first and I will call you guys tomorrow?"

"Oh…that's fine than. Bye."

"Bye, Miyo."

"…remember to have your dinner when you come home."

"I know Miyo…bye."

"Oh…and you know…"

"Miyo…I have go now…bye."

"Oh, ok..bye than."

"Oh god…finally." Kurogane groaned as he heard the line went dead on the other end.

Getting his mother…well step-mother to be exact, to stop nagging and hang up was tougher than running a marathon. He smiled when he remembered the period when he was still getting use to Miyo's presence in the house. It was rough going than…being a rebellious teenager who just lost his mother less than a year ago and than having told by his father that he was remarrying. He gave Miyo a hard time at first but she won him over in the end having proved her fidelity and love for his father…also, he was growing up and as he matured he slowly realized he should learn how to come to terms with his mother's death.

It was a particularly dark time for him when she died…he was barely twelve years old. The memories of what happened had become fuzzy over the years or maybe he was just too young to remember the details. Only a particular scenario remained with him but it barely showed his mother's face…just an outstretched hand by the rails of the ship before it slipped. It was funny…such a traumatic event in his life and he can't remember shit about anything. But the pain was acute and the grief was real.

What remained with him are memories of her when she was alive.

Her scent…her warm brown eyes…the tender touches and fierce reprimands…her tears of joy when he won the Junior Kendo Championship…her clumsy words of care when he faced rejection for the first time…her laughter at his valiant attempts at baking a cake and most of all the hum of her voice when she tucks him in for the night. Those memories…all of them kept tenderly locked in his heart, dug out only when melancholy ruled his day.

Although there were still times he resented Miyo for taking over his mother's place in his father's heart. He reasoned that it was just as well since his relationship with his father has been strenuous ever since mother died.

It was good that someone had managed to fill the gap his father felt. Often times in this regard, he would feel admiration and respect for Miyo. Her willingness to put herself between them as a buffer was another proof of her dedication towards this family she had come to claim as her own.

He sneaked a glance at the calendar on the corner of his desk, he could never forget such an important day. But it was never a good idea to meet his father on this day; he wouldn't want her to see what their relationship had become. She might be dead but Kurogane preferred to think that she was still around looking after them. Juvenile thoughts, one might think but for a boy who was robbed of maternal love at such a young age it should be understandable.

"Takahashi…what's my schedule for tomorrow?"

"You have a meeting with the Director of U. Inc regarding their case proceedings and than later in the afternoon, another meeting with…Dr. Rai."

"Alright, thanks…so where were we?" he asked as he turned his attention from his secretary to his associate, a yawn barely escaping him. He was awfully tired for sleep had evaded him the whole of last night as the intentions of Rayne's weigh in his mind. He came to a realization that he was not meant to only be a simple keeper for Fay's funds but also a guide. He was to help him integrate into society and lead a normal life. Not a simple feat considering what had happened. The man was still mentally unstable as much as he could tell.

Really, he felt sympathetic to his plight and also genuine concern but he can't deal with that much drama in his life. He talked himself out of it most of the time but…Fay…Fay was a walking booklet of b-graded TV soap scripts. Unconsciously, he frowned and his attention started drifting away as his thoughts veered towards Fay continuously. Remnants of last night kept flashing in front of his eyes and he kept seeing Fay at the bus-stop, cold and drenched. His face tilted down…looking at nothing…wasn't even seeing him when he stood infront of the blond.

And those eyes…he can't seem to get rid of that indescribable feeling that it instilled in him.

That haunted, hurt look in those pair of bright blue eye were almost too painful to look at…

"Ryuken! Ryuken san!" his associate called out again deliberately raising his voice.

"Oh…sorry drifted off for a bit. You were saying again?"

ooooooooooooooooooooo

He stood infront of the quiet tomb, the square block of granite that now housed his mother's remains. No matter how many years have passed, he always feels inconsolably remorseful when he visits. Sometimes he wondered sardonically if it had become a habit or was it the need to compensate for not remembering that tragic day? Was it possible that one could give up every single memory of everything bad that happened in one's lives? For all the pursuit for happiness that mankind had emphasized on… Why is it so difficult? Even though what happened so many years ago was through no fault of his, he still tagged it as his responsibility

Kurogane sighed softly as the gentle breeze ruffled his hair; the wind carried with it the lingering scent of Lavender, his mother's favorite flowers. The twelve year old within him surfaced than as he breathe in deeply, trying to savor the essence of the scent feeling imaginary fingers running through his hair. He quelled down the sudden urge to cry and sat down beside the tomb instead, leaning against it…calling out for a mother gone before her time.

He left when the sun dipped below the horizon. He would love to stay for a little while longer but it seems excessively morbid to want to spend so much time beside a grave in a graveyard. He brushed off the dirt off his pants and bowed infront of the tombstone before he turned to leave. Frankly, he wasn't enthusiatic about going home either because he was sure Fay would not be giving him a warm reception regarding the idea of having to see a psychiatrist.

oooooooooooooooooooooo

_'And how right I am' _Kurogane sighed to himself as he watched Fay work himself into a fine rage again...

"I said I'm not going! You don't have the right and I don't have to listen to you!" Fay shouted again as he threw the cushion towards Kurogane.

"Great! You're acting like a twelve a year old!" Kurogane answered as he simply bent side ways to avoid getting hit. The situation was getting ridiculous…how could a simple request turned into such a huge argument? _'Maybe if you had asked him about it first instead of just throwing it at him, he might be more corporative.' _Kurogane thought.

"Why don't you leave me as one than?"

"You're impossible to talk to…God!" Kurogane glared at Fay, unable to believe he has to go through another argument again "Just what the hell is wrong with you?"

"Well, everything is wrong with me incase you haven't noticed!" Fay cried out, still holding the crumpled up name card in his hand "I am not in need of that! I told Scott not to meddle with my life any more."

'_That's it…you're the adult here so you've to calm down. Try another tactic…you're a lawyer, I'm sure you'll be able to persuade him.' _Kurogane stood in the middle of the living room, trying to calm his breathing while having yet another inner dialog with himself. He's been doing that pretty much ever since Fay barged into his world and it was getting harder and harder to shut that voice up.

"Be reasonable here, Scott was just doing what Rayne wants him to do. Why can't you simply accept that?"

Fay blinked at the mention of Rayne's name and seemingly calmed down. He slide against the wall and hugged his knees to his chest and under the wall lamp, Kurogane could see tears starting to well up.

"Look…" Kurogane continued, his voice softening considerably "it's only for an hour, try talking to him, it might help. Do it for Rayne if not for yourself."

"Please don't talk about him anymore…I can't…I can't…" Fay whispered softly.

Fearing another episode of the previous night, Kurogane relented.

"Look, it's fine if you don't want to go…I'll cancel the appointment. But you know you can't avoid that forever." Kurogane said as he pulled Fay up by the arm, feeling disturbed again about the man's size. His bicep was barely larger than his wrist…his large fingers wrapped around them too easily "stop acting like this and go finish your dinner."

Fay did not answer…the hold on his arm hurts and once again the image of that man dragging him flashed through his mind. The hold, iron tight and sweaty, felt disgusting and he felt his skin crawl but he has no choice only to follow. He didn't need the man's wrath against him. It was painful enough to go through what he had to…anymore rough handling and he was sure he will have to be hospitalized.

Kurogane realized his mistake too late as Fay took on that haunted empty look again, immediately; he released his grip from his arm.

'_This is fuck-tastic. How many times is this going to happen?' _He thought as he looked at Fay stare at the marble floor like a broken doll.

oooooooooooooooooooo

Ashura looked at the two men seated infront of him, studying them silently. His face showed nothing, only indifference.

He could tell the blond man was severely irritated as he pulled nervously at his cuticles, the sides of it starting to look red and inflamed. The details of the file he received from the lawyer contained very interesting facts about his latest patient. Adult victims who are sexually abused as children are much more difficult to treat, having grown into their personality and set in their ways. He had a few cases of the same nature. Although most of his patients recover reasonably well, they still carry with them the irreversible and mental anguish.

He observed silently as the man with strange eyes murmured gently with a slight frown for the blond hair man to stop picking his nails. His tone was distant with a hint of concern…a recalcitrant character tamed by his protective nature. Dr. Rei could tell that much by his conversation with the man yesterday morning, a surprise considering the profession he was in.

"Ryuken san" Ashura started "If you don't mind, I would like to speak to Mr. Favian alone."

"Right. The session will be over in an hour?" Kurogane asked wondering if he should head back to the office to finish up some loose paper work before coming back to pick Fay up…or maybe he should get Sakura to do the job. She should be finished with her classes soon. Than he remembered she won't be coming in today because she has a date with Syaoran. He would have to eat out tonight.

"Yes, I will give you a call once we're done."

"No, it's fine. I'll be back at the appointed time." Kurogane said as he exited, his footsteps muffled by the soft carpeting.

Fay watched Kurogane leave…an unspeakable surge of panic welled up within him. He didn't want to be left alone with the man with the eerie smile. He doesn't have pleasant feelings towards doctors of their kind. They were all quacks in his opinion. He would be much better if they didn't' feel the need to constantly dissect his emotions and debate about his psychological well-being. Why do they want to dig out a past that was best left buried?

"Kuro-san!"

"Mr. Favian. Don't worry, we'll be done soon. Since it's our first session, we'll just try to get to know each other a little better. I believe it will help with our relationship in future." Ashura said. His eyes never leaving the shifty gaze of Fay's "Do you mind if I call you Daniel?"

Fay nodded his head in silent acquiescence, his gazed focused on Ashura solely now. The doctor with his black piercing eyes, long black hair tied to a ponytail and regal features, his demeanor seems to belie a steelier persona. He felt more than uncomfortable to be leaving his emotions threadbare and vulnerable for Dr, Rei's scrutiny.

"You may call me Ashura instead of Dr. Rei."

Fay kept his silence and nodded again.

"So how do you find Japan? Do you like it so far?" Ashura asks.

"I think I can get used to it." Fay answered, his gaze still kept in Ashura's hold.

"Have you been anywhere yet? Shinjuku is easy to go about once you familiarize yourself with the rail-lines that is."

"I am still trying to settle myself." Fay answered comfortably, still feeling reasonably safe to handle small chats like this. Although he knew this was just part of the warm up sessions and he would only play along to a certain extent. Once they think they have access to your trust and insights of your inner world, they will try to worm into your head wanting to fix you up.

"So when are you starting university?"

"Maybe in a month or so…I need to start on the new term."

"Are you excited about it?"

"Is this conversation headed anywhere?" Fay replied, his eyes starting to get shifty again.

"…" Ashura sensed the man's reluctant and resistance to continue from the start but if he was to go anywhere with him the boundaries must be broken "It is to our beneficial that I gain another perspective and understanding of your personality before entering the healing stage."

He waited patiently for Fay to react, observing the myriad changes of expressions on his face before calming down into a cordial façade.

"I'm fine." Fay answered with a cold smile.

Ashura noted with amusement that this new subject was not as weak as he would others perceived him. He was not the kind that would flounder in their dark inner world but as much as Fay tries to fight it. He was still far from finding the freedom and forgiveness needed to move on. That was ultimately something he wants to help Fay do. Anger could only do that much and the need to forget only prohibits the distance for growth.

Fay digested the words Dr. Rei said, feeling infinitely frustrated. He didn't know how to put into words how he felt. He wished the world would let him be, let him live for a little while instead of interrupting him constantly. He wanted to be left alone to explore himself and the world and let his eyes see everything and nothing in their own time. That was how Rayne treated him, without having a presumed diagnosis from the start. Because Rayne understood that no matter what…their faces are still clear and they will be there forever.

"Maybe you would like to tell me about your childhood." Ashura asked, targeting the dark blob that is still clouding Fay's being. Hoping a change in tactic would provoke a more suitable response from Fay.

"I spent a good time of it in jail…if that's what you like to know." Fay bite out, each word that he pushes out from his lips felt heavier and he knew the poison would be spilled soon.

Ashura narrowed his eyes as Fay's voice became strained.

"What about before that?"

"I…"

"Do you remember what hap…"

Fay stood up abruptly and looked completely away; he is having difficulties controlling his agitation by now. The pair of dark opal eyes still scrutinizing, waiting for him to provide another behavioral pattern so that it could be jotted down into that black ominous looking leather bound book.

"I don't need this…"

"Daniel, take a deep breathe and sit back down. I'm not deliberately trying to hurt you. I'm here to help, whether or not you like my methods is a totally different issue."

Fay looked at him and the smoldering fire in him slowly burn out, he took a moment to consider Ashura's words before sitting back down.

"I will stay but I will talk about it when I want to not when you want to.

"Do you show such resistance to every psychiatrist you meet?"

"…."

"Alright, we will talk about something else." He conceded as he launched into a safer subject which Fay might feel more comfortable talking about.

He found that Fay was more willing to talk about his previous guardian. That wound seem easier to heal, the hurdles easily broken down. The session ended half an hour later. Ashura had by than come to an understanding that to get through to Fay is to change the status quote. A doctor to patient relationship simply would not work with him. All in all, the blond man would be an interesting case study.

oooooooooooooooooooooo

Kurogane walked along the aisles of the supermarket watching Fay pick item after item of food he would never consider eating. He wondered how Fay could be so skinny if he ingests sugar of that quantity constantly. He wondered too if this was a way of compensating for a childhood he never got to properly enjoy.

He was glad when he picked him up from Dr. Rei's office, he didn't seemed worse for wear and a look of serenity was on his face. Although he was still perturbed by Dr. Rei words. He was told that Fay avoided topics about anything that happened before he went to jail fervently. His refusal to talk about the more pressing issues that would impact his life was something they had to work on. At least he was assured of Fay's attitude and behavior as an adult in society, people and strangers…he would not have a problem although he was warned about exposing Fay to anything remotely sexual, physical contact was also something he should watch out for. Kurogane was sure that was something he would not need to be reminded of again.

"We're only buying dinner not an entire week's worth of groceries." Kurogane commented off handedly.

"It's happy food…you should have more of it at home. I can't stand your diet."

"I thought you said you're fine with what we're having." He replied, caught unaware by Fay's light hearted answer.

"I miss the food back home if you like to know the truth." Fay remarked with a certain amount of wistfulness.

"We do have the same stuff here…burgers, fried chicken, pizza…or Cajun chicken?"

"I'm sure they don't taste the same."

"I think so too…" He answered as his memories flashed back to when he was still a student in England. He felt the same way too. When he first arrived the stuff he missed most was Miyo's special miso soup and katsu-curry, he couldn't get used to having fish and chips or potatoes and bread or those heavy pies sold in the cafes. He was also not rich enough to pamper himself with a good meal in those restaurants that served a better quality of food, his allowance as a student offered him just enough to get by. He lost a few pounds than during the first few months, only gaining them back six months later.

"Do you want to Macdonald or maybe Lotteria for dinner?"

"Lotteria?"

"It's something similar to Macdonald, I think you'll like it."

"Maybe Macdonald?"

Kurogane gave a short laugh as they headed to the counter to pay for their purchases.

"Why is everything in Japan so tiny?" Fay asked as he looked at his food and than around him. He was intrigued by the artistry the Japanese practiced and how they bring that into their everyday life. People were polite and soft-spoken here, unlike in Americans who are more expressive and loud. It was a welcome change to him…They ate in silence, sitting infront of the wall of glass and looking at the citizens of Shinjuku rushing about their own business. It was raining again and Fay started lamenting about the cold in his mind, hoping at the same time the season will be over soon. He didn't look forward to spending anymore of his days cooped indoors just to watch the rain fall.

"We just like things to look beautiful and I have to say that's a very generalize view of our country." Kurogane answered with a chuckle.

"I see…"

"Maybe you could take this period of time and travel for a bit around Tokyo before your term starts."

"I heard from Dr. Rei that it's easy to navigate around here. But I don't understand the English they speak…it sounds very mutilated."

"Sou desuka?" Kurogane answered as he stifled a laugh. His friends from England had often commented on it too when they were here for a visit. He taught them a simple thing to enhance their communication and ensure that they were understood.

"What?" Fay asked with a quizzical look on his face.

"I was saying…something the equivalent of 'it's like that or really?'." He explained "maybe you could try writing the words down on a piece of paper. We understand you know…even Chinese characters. We just don't speak the language fluently."

"How come you speak such good English?"

"I was in England for about six years...graduated from University of Cambridge and than worked as a paralegal for WD & Emery LLP."

Fay listened, deeply impressed with the accomplishments of the young man infront of him. He felt a surge of envy and resentment as well but it wasn't his fault, Kurogane wasn't responsible for what happened in his life. He could only try to catch up on as much as he could now. He vowed not to disappoint Rayne and the efforts he had put in to ensure he could have a normal life.

"How did you meet Rayne?"

"Woah…long story here…Sure you want to hear it?"

"In short?"

"I was assisting him in a case…it was really controversial. My work helped him win so I guess my hard work and wit impressed him. From than on, I was often asked to assist him and my reputation grew from there. I'm grateful for him otherwise, I'm sure I would end up being just like any other lawyer." Kurogane said "he's an extraordinary man."

"I agree…"

"…I just wanted to apologize for what happened the other night."

Fay startled, he wasn't expecting an apology from the other man when he was the one who started the argument.

Not knowing any other appropriate response, he smiled instead.

"Let's go, the rain's stopped." Kurogane said as he threw Fay a grin, disarming the blond hair man once more. He was glad with their progress, things doesn't seem to be going as bad as he thought it would be.

Yet the cynical part of him wonders how long would it last.

TBC

Short note from Fay to Kurogane

Don't cancel the appointment I will go…Sorry for last night.


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's note:**

This chapter might be a bit hard to stomach for some readers. I would like to avoid writing things like these but I believe these details are very relevant to the story. The intention is not to glorify acts such as these and I try to portray them in an objective view. I apologize should you experience any discomfort while reading it (or should you choose to read it).

I can tell that stories of this nature don't seem to attract readers here but nevertheless I will continue with it because it is important to me on a personal basis. Not that I have been sexually harassed before but because in reality…we tend to leave these people out of our social circles and it is sad to see them discriminated against something they did a long time ago or in the folly of their youth. While it may seem that I am looking at life through rose colored glasses, I believe that behind every negative action, there is a positive intention. Although what that positive intention is…it's not for us to judge.

By the way, this chapter is partly inspired by Puddle in the Mudd – Take it All Away and The Calling – Your Hope.

_Hush little one_

_They don't have to know_

_Hush little one_

_You won't be called a liar_

_Hush little one_

_Know that life is full of pain_

_Hush little one_

_See no more of this world through rose colored glass_

_Hush little one_

_Know that you are tainted by lust_

_Hush_

_- Cattyfuzzy_

_(Help stop child pornography and child abuse. Children are meant to be protected)_

**The Continuality of Existence**

**Chapter 4**

Fay heaved from the bed, panting hard as he clutched at his chest…his tee-shirt soaked with sweat felt clammy on his pallid skin. The dreams were back again more vivid and real…He didn't want to remember those things. He wanted so much for someone to take them away. Someone to bring him deliverance from his suffering and guilt but yet the dreams were very much an undeniable part of him.

He didn't want to remember those dark blue eyes that are so akin to his own, wide opened in disbelief and shock. Those eyes forever embedded in his mind, reminded him of the evil he had done. Maybe it would be better if he was sentenced to death because nothing will ever be atonement enough. They were always filled with red…those dreadful dreams. Even when awake, he could smell it…he reeks of it. His skin forever tainted by the metallic odor.

In his dream, the house always appears clean, time and weather forever frozen in that frame. He would still be the innocent six year old boy, playing in the dense field full of cotton flowers. The smell of those flowers reminded him of summer and clean linens. He would enter the house than, happy and oblivious to the ugliness of men's nature…his mother's voice calling out to him…still full of love and tenderness. Sometimes he wished he could stop himself from entering the house. Just so he didn't have to witness the extent of his own madness. But he never did. He never could.

Everytime, he failed to realize that the boy standing over his father's body was him four years down the road. He could only watch as the crowbar descended, crunch after sickening crunch on the already badly mutilated body. It would be the same as he watched his mother enter the kitchen. Her wail of fear as she tried to stop the boy even though she knew her husband was dead. The same fate will befall her…always…the crowbar scraping her scalp and the dull thud when her body hits the wooden floor. The boy calmly watched as the blood pooled around his feet soaking his once pristine white canvas shoes…while turning his head slowly to face his six year old self. Fay always jolts awake when he realized the boy with sky blue eyes and golden blond hair was in fact…himself.

He looked at the mirror across his bed, catching his reflection, hating that pale white skin of his. He always looked lucid and flushed in a replica of someone in the throes of fever. He glanced at the clock, noting the time with a certain amount of vexation that it was only 3 am. He won't be falling asleep anytime soon. Feeling thirsty, he went to the kitchen to get a drink.

The familiar sight of Kurogane bent over the bar counter typing away at his laptop was hardly surprising anymore. The man despite having a study room seldom used it having been solely occupied by Manju at night. Fay swears he treats the dog as if it were his flesh and blood no matter how fervidly he denies it. Retrieving the water jug from the fridge, he placed it infront of Kurogane garnering his attention before reaching across the laptop for the glasses.

Kurogane observed the way Fay went about doing his things and noticed how at ease he had become. He wasn't like that when he first arrived. He constantly fidgeted and behaved as if the apartment was stolen and he expects that the owners will be home anytime soon to chase them out. He behaved like that nearly in every new environment. Dr. Rei commented it might be caused by the anxiety of meeting strangers or getting used to new experiences. It stemmed from his lack of trust towards people in general. He was glad in a way that Fay was starting to see this place as his home and only a month had passed. It seems that he had underestimated Fay's adaptability. He had originally thought the blond man would take six months or more to adjust.

"Finishing anytime soon?" Fay asked as he poured Kurogane a glass of water before helping himself to one.

"Soon…I've two more files to go through…"

"Don't you have any assistants to dump your work on?"

"I'm not a slave-driver in spite of looking like one." Kurogane said as he glanced up for a moment to look at Fay. The tell-tale sign of a moist looking shirt told him something was wrong "did you have a nightmare again? Do I need to get more sleeping pills from Dr. Rei?"

Fay took a sip of the ice cool water, savoring the crystal sweetness of it against his perched throat before he answered.

"It wasn't a nightmare…I just couldn't sleep." Fay denied. He never admitted to Kurogane that those pills were often left untouched despite being given an abundant amount of it. Ashura wasn't happy to be prescribing them but it seems no one can out talk Kurogane when he is adamant about something. He was often heard over the speaker phone complaining that if all was needed were sleeping pills, he won't be needed. He was under the impression that Kurogane was trying to shirk his responsibilities instead. Didn't he know that one could get addicted to them? Kurogane always bristled when faced with his refusal and accusation. He would than promptly remind Ashura that if his methods were working, why have the nightmares started? Fay often mused about how two men who had only met each other once could argue as if they knew each other their whole life. Sometimes, it gets to Fay so much that he had to interrupt them by unplugging the line.

"You know I can tell when you lie." Kurogane said as he narrowed his eyes when he looked up from his laptop, adjusting them to the semi darkness of the kitchen. The eerie florescent glow of the laptop screen leaving translucent white orbs floating around in his vision.

"Since when did you become an expert in reading me, Kuro-san?" Fay answered with an easy smile.

"When will you ever start talking to Dr. Rei?" Kurogane asked, beating down the irritation on hearing his name cut short again. It was an irksome habit Fay had cultivated and than further encourage by Sakura. What pleasure she derives from such acts was something he didn't want to be thinking about.

"I'm always talking to him incase you haven't noticed." Fay answered still maintaining that nonchalant air about him, knowing very well that Kurogane hates it when he evades his questions like this. He found this method the most effective way of throwing him off. During the month's worth of interaction with him, he used that knowledge to his best advantage.

"You know…" Kurogane started as he glared at him, having already guessed what was going through the blonde's mind "…forget it." he said.

Fay turned towards the window knowing that he will be left alone for the rest of the night. He admired the view of the night sky, watching the unfathomable universe. It's movements so subtle and so many light years apart, he wondered how time passed by within. He gazed forlornly at the moon, its brightness dimmed by the haze formed from the polluted air of the city below. The silvery light from it stroked at his skin like a physical presence. So much had changed but not him. He was wrapped in time, always stopping at that moment, unable to move on. He lived constraint by his own identity, watching life pass him by.

In his memories as a young boy, he would lay in the open field at night waiting for an asteroid shower. He never had the luck to witness one though. Despite that, he was happy than. He mused about that word often. Happiness to him was a fleeting emotion, like a shooting star that grazes the earth in its orbit; it provides only a moment of clarity in the dark night, leaving only a dusty trail in its wake. Hardly visible to the naked eye, its journey a permanent imprint on one's memory, leaving one to ponder on the reality of its existence.

Kurogane found that he could no longer concentrate on his work. His focus disrupted, something else was calling for his attention. The visage of the blond man awash by the moonlight was always a tempting sight for his eyes. He found himself unknowingly anticipating it most nights, waiting for him in the kitchen until the wee hours of the morning. Giving up the comfort of his study, hunched over the bar stool instead. It was the best time to observe him. He was often mellow during these odd hours, exhibiting a rare openness and vulnerability. Although they never exchanged a word after the initial greetings, he was content with the silence as their companion. Their dynamic was what intrigued him. A stark contest and a parallel extreme to each other…yet as they stand in this little corner, their differences ceased to exist. But they are not friends…he was sure Fay does not consider him to be one. Kurogane wasn't sure what to perceive of their relationship with that constant tension between them.

The ambiguity provides little comfort to him.

oooooooooooooooooooooooo

Fay took a deep breathe as he stepped within the premises of the sprawling grounds of the university. The students swarmed the place; their chattering voices echoing in his ears spoke a familiar language. Suddenly an indescribable fear of meeting someone from his home state clawed at him. Frantic, he swerved his head around surveying as much of the area as possible. He felt the tightness dispersed in his chest when he found not one familiar face. His nerves in a jangle, he gripped his file tighter, fighting off the conjured feeling of having a dozen pair of eyes on him. He entered the building into the welcoming heat and headed straight for the administrative office.

He smiled at the kind elderly lady seated at the desk as he pushed against the heavy glass door, noting that perhaps he had arrived too early. Lunch time was not over yet.

"Good afternoon…" The lady greeted curiously.

Fay smiled as he reached flipped through the file for his documents.

"It's my first day here…"

"Oh…give me a moment. I'll get you your welcome pack. What's your subject?"

"Fine Arts and Design."

"There you go and you can enroll online." She said and gestured towards a workstation at the other end of the office.

"Thank you…" he said as he headed to the workstation. He made quick work of the registration and printed out a copy of the campus's map. He left the office flipping through the handbook found in the welcome pack. He was glad to see that there were plenty of cross-cultural extra curriculums that would keep him busy on most days he supposed.

It was always quiet at home when Sakura left and Kurogane was not back from work yet. Sometimes, he would bring Manju for a walk and let himself be entertained with its endless exuberant, and sometimes on the rare occasion, he even managed to hold a conversation with Miyo. He found her a pleasant enough lady and was sometimes offended by Kurogane's reaction towards her. The red-eye man often irate at her tireless nagging would growl at her to shut up. Miyo not being one to be intimidated by such acts took it in good stride, often bouncing back immediately. He was often curious to why Kurogane looked nothing like Miyo until Sakura took it upon herself one day and explained that Miyo was actually the step mother. He was surprised to hear that Kurogane's childhood was not as happy as he pictured it to be, and thought himself faintly naïve and condescending for thinking that way.

He was slowly getting used to the city and the longer he stayed the more attached he got. He no longer feels claustrophobic. Instead, he would wake up excited like a child to explore more of the city he now resides in. He loves the temples most…within a few weeks, he had got well acquainted with several temples nearby. They were beautiful structures, soaked in a myriad of history from centuries ago. He found the religion beliefs of the Japanese very suited for him. Everytime he steps into one of them, he can't help but be overwhelmed by the splendor of the scenery within. The chants of the Buddhist monks coaxing him into a meditative state and washes him with serenity. He was also intrigued by the complex history of how Zen established itself and how deeply embedded it was in the military warfare of Japan. Most of all…he felt he could be emancipated from his past whenever he stepped into those sacred grounds.

He cast an anxious glance around the empty hallways and sighed with relief when he saw the hall he was looking for. He had been turning circles around the building for more than 15mins doubtless; he was very late for his first lecture. He gave a firm knock on the door and opened it, preparing for the inevitable reprimand from the lecturer. However, there was none forth coming. The middle-aged stern looking man with frameless spectacles clinging onto his face and dark black hair glared at him for a while before gesturing for him to move up the hall to the back seats.

He sat himself down besides another student who seems to be of Asian descent. He was surprised when the man looked up with sparkling bright blue eyes and gave him a dazzling smile. The other stoic looking man sitting further down the row also looked up at him and acknowledged him with a barely there nod.

Class ended fairly quickly with the notes passed out and the rest of the students proceeding to their next classes. Fay waited on his seat for the students to file out before making his move. The guys further down his row were still packing their bags and murmuring something close to each other's ears. His eyes started to glance sideways of their own accord when he heard that tinkling giggle coming from beside him. He looked at the blue-eye man slide his hand suggestively down one arm of the stoic looking man. Fay glanced away quickly feeling his breath hitched as he imagined the implications of that act.

"Hey…" he heard the voice lilting and cheerful called out and a tap on his shoulder followed soon after.

Fay looked up once again into bright blue eyes so similar to his…only difference was that the other pair was ensconced in stability and happiness. The pair of eyes had a future it could look to and was confident in its progress, never wavering like his.

"Hello…" he greeted tentatively.

"Hi, my name is Watanuki and he's my boyfriend…Doumeki." The man introduced unabashedly. Fay listen and blinked in quick succession as he tried to swallow the wave of disgust threatening to spew forth. He quelled it as quickly as possible and felt guilty for feeling that way. He had read about relationships of this nature and had spoke to Ashura about them before. He had always felt greatly sicken and confused by how two man could enjoy an act that only seemed to encompass the feelings of pain.

"I'm Daniel." He answered as he offered his hand for a handshake. Watanuki grabbed it with exaggerated finesse and encouraged his boyfriend to do the same. The stoic boy just gave a prompt firm shake and smiled politely at him before heading down the steps to the exit. Watanuki's sight followed Doumeki before he returned his attention to Fay.

"Are you new here? I don't remember seeing you around. What's your next class? Mine is Life Drawing and Painting…"

"Yeah, it's my first day here. My next class is the same…"

"Great! Let's head there together!"

He spent the rest of the day in good company of Watanuki and Doumeki. He feels strangely comfortable with them and found himself lacking the familiar weariness he often feels with strangers. He attributes this fact to the friendly warmth of Watanuki and despite the intimate relationship he professed on having with the stoic looking man, they never shared anything more than long lingering looks between them. Fay wasn't sure if it was because they didn't want to risk disapproving looks from strangers or they were just being sensitive to the people around them. Although, he still felt immense discomfort with the knowledge that the men were lovers he could not bring himself to get offended. It was such a contradiction. He felt perplexed by his behavior…shouldn't he be disturbed…? If Ashura pressed him for an answer right now…he was sure he couldn't formulate an answer for him.

A man loving another man…

How did he ever come to accept that? Was there even love in the first place or was it just the pursuit of physical gratification…like how that man had…But Fay couldn't tell because he had never known love like that. The only kind of love and affection he had experienced was painful and forced on him. It was nothing like what he saw today. What he witnessed transpired between the two young men were only tenderness, care and respect. There was not even an inkling of fear.

oooooooooooooooooooooooo

"How was your first day today? Everything good?" Sakura asks as she swirled the beans in the glass bowl to clean out the impurities before throwing them into the huge pot. Fay curious, stretched across the counter for a peep. He spotted another bowl with some of those beans and poked his fingers into them. He had never seen them before.

"Things went great…I think I can catch up just fine." Fay answered and tried to resist teasing Sakura on her English because she put so much work into studying it just to be able to speak to him. She was a fast learner though…Fay despite having been in Japan in a month had only learnt how to say the most basic of greetings "What are these by the way?" he continued as he pointed to the bowl of beans.

"These? We call them Anko or Azuki, sweet red beans…good for desserts." Sakura said as she pointed to the recipe on the cookbook.

Fay turned his attention to the huge hard covered book standing in the corner, eyes focused on the photo of a bowl of viscous looking concoction.

"You meant that?" Fay asked pointing to the picture.

"Yes, that is one of the many. It's red bean soup. Chinese style."

"Oh…"

"It don't look like anything…but you'll like it."

"Ok…Sakura…can I ask you something" Fay hesitated and wondered if the question would sound odd coming from him.

"Yes?" Sakura looked at him expectantly with a kind smile. The blonde hair man always manages to come up with the cutest questions, despite him being her elder. She wonders what kind of life he leaded in America because he seemed innocent and young…as in young of mind. She had always expected Americans to be more open and wild in their ways...maybe she was watching too many American dramas? She didn't know any Americans personally until Fay showed up.

"How is it like to be with Syaoran?"

Sakura blinked before she bursts into a glorious blush. She certainly was not expecting Fay to ask about her love life. He never seemed interested in such issues; in fact, he normally shies away from it.

"Humm…how should I put it? Sweet, warm and protected?" She answered, hoping the summary of those words might be of help to Fay. She looked at Fay's expression wondering still what prompted him to ask about her relationship "are you interested in someone from campus?" she tried.

Fay snapped his head, his cerulean eyes wide with surprise. He squirmed in the seat trying to find a way to explain his sudden curiosity in her relationship.

"No, I was just thinking about it because I never felt that way and…

"It's fine Daniel…you don't have to explain anything to me. I'm no expert on love but I'll tell you everything I know. It's a sad thing to not be able to experience it." Sakura replied making sure that every word she said was articulated and clear. She wanted him to know that she will be there for him even though what she could offer were advice from a woman with only simple needs. Fay smiled as he nodded a silent thanks to Sakura, grateful for her silence acceptance of everything and everyone around her.

"So…how long do the beans take to be prepared?"

"Oh…around an hour for it to boil and soften." Sakura answered.

"In the meantime while we wait for the beans to cook…why don't you teach me some Japanese?"

oooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Kurogane stared for a long while at the thick volume of the reference book passed to him by Ashura. Already the idea of hypnotism was making him nervous. He never believed in all these mumbo jumbo stuff and he doubts Ashura could make him a convert too.

"Why would you want to do that? He seems fine nowadays." Kurogane answered. He doesn't see the need to bring back what Fay so desperately wanted to forget. He does not want to see those eyes, so haunted…dead. At least with his studies and new friends as means of distraction, his mind will ceased dwelling on matters that are so destructive on his psyche.

"…" Ashura was silent as he looked at him, trying to think of a better way to explain on layman terms on what he was about to do next "He hasn't forgotten anything he just chose to suppress them instead. That is what he's doing. He won't recover if he refuses to let go."

"Why fix what's not broken?" Kurogane asked "and what makes you so sure he's suppressing the memories? Did you noticed how he acts when I touch him…he barely had any reaction when Sakura or any one else touches him for that matter. Isn't that sort of selective?"

"You're aggressive by nature in case you haven't noticed. That energy is very visible to Fay and every time when you come into contact with him…it is always because of a conflict. It…how should I put it…triggers his subconscious to react." Ashura explained.

"So…how are you going to do this?"

"Hypnosis is an altered state of consciousness. It happens when a state of mind is achieved in which suggestions alter someone's awareness, memory, or thinking in a way that the hypnotized person responds to the alteration as if it were reality." Ashura explained, waiting for Kurogane to absorb what he's saying. "It's supposed to be done with a specific, clear short-term aim…to get to the bottom of something that the patient is not able to bring to mind or to consciously stop doing. It is not a form of sleep, but of concentration that bypasses the usual critical or evaluative activities of the mind to get to underlying matters. The patient becomes much more open to suggestion and guidance -- not so much a loss of control as openness, agreeing to what someone else is suggesting. But it is imperative that the patient doesn't show resistance to it…if he does it means it won't work." He paused again as Kurogane churned the information inside his head.

"So results are subjective and not guaranteed?"

"Nothing is guaranteed in life, Ryuken-san."

"If it works…why can't you simply erase his memories?" Kurogane asked.

Ashura raised a skeptical brow amazed that a lawyer like him can be so ignorant of things like this.

"Hypnosis cannot do that because the mind of the subject is still very much capable of critical thinking, it will only help me gain access to his repressed memories. I will suggest things that may or may not connect to the links to those memories and in that process, find out which are the ones he finds most dangerous. Those memories are the roots of his psychological problems. "

"And from there, the healing process will start?" Kurogane asked, still highly critical of the process. He was never one to believe in such unorthodox methods even though there was even scientific evidence to back up the claims made by those who practiced it.

"No…Fay has to accept what happened to him before that can start."

"He spent half of his life in jail…I'm sure he's very aware of what he did."

"Accepting it and knowing for a fact that it happened are two very different matters." Ashura said "surely you understand that too?"

"It's different…" Kurogane replied knowing very well Ashura was implying about his mother's death.

He had talked about it in length the previous time he bought Fay in for his consultation. It was than that he grudgingly admitted that Ashura was good in what he does. That man could make anyone talk about almost anything in his presence. Maybe that's why Fay was still willing to continue these sessions with him…but the blonde hair man was still far from achieving what they wanted.

oooooooooooooooooooooooo

_He was drunk again…the fumes of alcohol was strong even from across the room, he could smell it. Fay didn't_ _want to think about what caused the man his foul mood. He might have gotten fired again. Unlike mother…he never held a job for more than a period of three months, always making excuses and accusations. But everyone knew the truth. He just drank himself silly all day long. Not a popular figure in town, the local tavern often refused him entry. They didn't want a customer as rowdy as him and they were tired of keeping tabs on the damage he caused every time he starts a fight. Because those tabs were never paid…they can't afford it with mother's paltry wages. _

_Watchful, he kept his eyes locked on the intoxicated figure stumbling towards him. That hooded gaze, the controlled low breathing and that hateful smile when he tries to be nice. He knows what it meant; he learned how to read his body language after the first time. Learning and trying to find a way to escape from it. A nice father…that's what he tries to be every time before those episodes. Fay had seen through it a long time ago. He had stopped believing in the existence of a nice father. He dreaded when that moment arrive and felt the fear crawling under his skin because he knows what will happen next if he doesn't leave the room. _

'_Mother…where are you?' He wondered and started praying fervently under his breath. He scrambled up hastily and attempted to make a rush to his bedroom. The man caught up not deterred by his inebriated state. _

"_Where are you going?" the man asked…musky hot breathe fanning across his ear and cheek, those clammy warm hands closing themselves around his arms. Fay shivered and stiffens instantly as he stared at the door mutely…willing his mother to walk through the door. _

_He whimpered involuntarily, his mind trying desperately to disengage from his body before things progress further from here._

"_Are you excited babe?" the man asked again, rubbing his nose into his hair inhaling the sweet scent of sweat. Fay could feel his breathing quicken._

"_Please…don't…I don't wan…" Fay didn't get to finish his sentence. One of his hands was now clamped over his mouth, pressing down on his nose, refusing him speech and cutting off his breath. _

"_Don't say that babe…you know that makes me unhappy." The man warned as he leaned forward and grinded his front to Fay's back. Fay clenched his fists and let his nails dig into the soft flash of his palms, feeling the pain as skin broke and blood surfaces. _

"_She won't be back early tonight…there's a party there. Remember uncle Dorian? He's having his bachelor party at the deli. Your mother refused to let me attend it though…said that I'll be making a fool out of her." The man continued speaking as his hands started pulling at Fay's tee-shirt "she's such a prude…your mother. I don't think she loves me anymore. But you love me still…don't you?" _

_Fay squeezed his eyes shut as he felt his hands being directed downwards and pressed on clothed covered hard flash…_

"Wake him up right now! He's hurting himself!"" Kurogane said, glaring at Ashura as he reached for the tissue box on the desk. Gently, he stuffed some tissues in between Fay's palms to lessen the pressure of nails on skin.

"Just a little while more, we're getting there…" Ashura coaxed as he observed Fay with careful eyes. He had to make sure that Fay got over whatever scenario he was stuck in currently. He didn't want to risk letting him slide into shock because that would be detrimental to his conscious well being. He pulled Kurogane away from the blonde man and gestured for him to sit back.

"It's important that you don't interrupt." Ashura said to Kurogane with a warning tone as he continued speaking to Fay in low soothing tones, guiding his thoughts with well scripted suggestions.

Kurogane could only watch, his emotions hovering between helplessness and anger in not being able to do more for Fay. He could tell finally how badly Fay was affected by his past and the fear he still holds within. He watched as Fay snapped his head back against the chair, listening to his cries for the man in his memories to stop whatever he was doing. He couldn't imagine what kind of monster would do those things to his own flash and blood.

_Fay let himself go limp as his pants were jerked off him, he was thrown onto the bed roughly and shortly he felt his underwear being torn off too. He closed his eyes as he heard the familiar rustling of metal belt buckle and zip being pull off and down and than the man's breathe was right beside his ears again…murmuring obscenities and false words of love. Fay bit his lips and swallowed his cries as calloused hands forced his thighs apart and thick fingers rubbing cold gel on his anus. _

_He screamed when the man pushed into him without further ado. His sobs no longer muffled as the man strained above him…unpleasant hot breathe fanning across his face…Fay kept crying and trembling until the man stilled and pulled out of him. It was over within minutes…but to Fay…it seems to last a lifetime. _

"_Clean yourself up before your mother comes home and get me my dinner. I'm starving." The man said as he walked out of the room slamming the door close behind him. _

_Fay got up from the bed slowly and tried to ignore the slimy liquid leaking down his inner thigh, he knew there will be blood again and it hurts. He limped into the bathroom and turned the water heater all the way up, without taking off his tee-shirt, he stepped inside the tub and curl up at the end…wanting the scalding water to wash away the feel of the man's hands on him…and in him…_

Kurogane jerked up from his seat again when Fay screamed. It was a sound he never wanted to hear ever again in his life. He heard Fay's cries and begs and went forward to place his hands on the back of the seat that Fay was seated on. The man was banging his head hard against the head support and Kurogane was afraid he would hurt himself as the chair rocked back and forth from the impact.

"Please…wake him up…" Kurogane pleaded. The pain that he felt on the blonde's behalf was evident in his eyes.

Ashura said nothing only bent down and softly whispered into Fay's ear before bracing his hands on frail looking shoulders.

"And you can wake up…it's over…" Ashura continued.

TBC

Conversation between Doumeki and Watanuki

"You got along very well with the new boy today..." Doumeki asks as he dug into the scrumptious dinner prepared by his lover "I've never seen you been so friendly to any one before."

"I don't know...there's something about him that's very...how should I put it?" Watanuki said as he remembered the lost and lonely expression that Fay wore on his face when he walked into class.

"Attractive?" Doumeki hazard a guess though it would be highly unlikely.

"No! You cement block!" Watanuki huffed at Doumeki's assumptions "he just looks like he needs somebody...you know?"

"Isn't that worst?" Doumeki asked "I looked at you that way too when I first saw you and look what we ended up as."

"He's not my type alright and anyway I was never interested in guys until you showed up in my life! And if you remember any better...you forced your feelings on me!"

"Are we going into an argument now?" Doumeki asked not feeling the need to answer Watanuki's accusation.

"No!" Watanuki answered as he bent forward and pulled the bowl away from Doumeki's hand "and look at me when I'm talking to you...you...you floating piece of driftwood!"

"Are you jealous?" Watanuki asked as realization dawned on him. Normally, Doumeki never pay attention to whom he spoke too. It was amusing yet worrying at the same time that Doumeki felt this way. Haven't he been giving enough assurances regarding their relationship.

"No..." Doumeki said as he cleared his throat and looked at the expired calendar hanging on the wall behind the blue eye man "I am not bothered about such petty things"

Watanuki nodded as he noticed a blush rose on Doumeki's cheeks, despite his stoic appearance, his lover was actually a very sensitive person.

"Hey..." Watanuki called out.

"Hnn?"

"I love you..."


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's notes:**

Thanks to the readers who reviewed this fic...they really spur me into writing more. Those reviews are great and it made me very happy to know that there are readers who like this piece of fic. My writing style is still quite amateurish but I hope to grow as I continue. Simply because there's always space for improvement. That's why reviews are important because it lets you know how far you're getting along...

Humm...I was thinking if divulging a little of the plot would spoil the fun for you readers out there. But I figured as long as it's not the main plot development, it should be fine...right? This chapter will witness the burgeoning affections that Kurogane has for Fay. Of course, that hunk of a man won't realize anything yet since he's dense in love. Just thinking of them together makes me feel like it's the blind leading the blind. Both are very inexperienced with that emotion...yet each having their own interpretation of what it should mean.

For any readers hoping that Ashura will be written as a badass character, I think you will be sorely disappointed. I don't intent for him to be a bad guy because this story has no need of a badass Ashura. However, he will be portrayed as any other normal man with their fallible desires. Quite similar to the Kurogane in this story too...they have their faults and will be huge dickheads at time but basically decent guys in nature.

If anyone is interested in Ashura as a bad guy, you can check out my other story 'Guarded'. It's one of the earlier KF fics I started out with...sadly...I went major brain-dead for the plot. Hopefully, my muse will return for that story...SOON...

This chapter was inspired partly by Matthew Good Band - Weapon and Linkin Park - Leave out all the rest.

_As you step further into this jungle of thorns_

_My shadow retreats further in_

_Unguarded from that sharpness_

_You bleed as you followed_

_Forced into a corner with no escape_

_The barriers rise around you_

_Bewildered and confused_

_You tried to claw your way out_

_Failing to realize_

_You are trapped in my heart._

- _Cattyfuzzy_

**The Continuality of Existence**

**Chapter 5**

Fay opened his eyes when he heard that gentle deep voice whispering to him. He felt himself pulling away from his dreamscape and slowly everything faded to a white. He followed that voice and stepped out of the wooden door that so resembles the one that stood on the front porch of his childhood home. He cracked opened his eyelids that felt like they weigh a ton and found his vision to be solely occupied by Kurogane's crimson eyes staring intently at him. His expression a mixture of concern, curiosity and frustration, the spiky hair man was obviously miffed by the results of the procedure.

Fay leaned back on the chair and blinked his eyes trying to bring things into focus. He was vaguely aware of the tiredness he felt. He lifted his fingers and brushed them along his cheeks still feeling wetness on them. He had cried than...well, that was to be expected. He wondered if whatever that was said while he was under hypnosis would be of any help to Ashura. He moved his hands over the armchair as he tried to pull himself into a more comfortable sitting position, and flinched when he felt the sharp pain. He glanced down and saw the crumpled pieces of tissue on his palms stuck to his skin by dried blood.

Kurogane stood up to give Fay some breathing space, his hands immediately reached out to clear his hands of those soiled tissues, passing Fay some clean ones at the same time to wipe away his tears. He watched as blue eyes barely looked at him as the tissues were plucked out of his grasp.

"Are you feeling fine?" Ashura asks.

Fay nodded and let his head drooped back again, he didn't think he was in a condition to hold a conversation. He wanted to leave the place...not because he felt humiliated for exposing himself but because he needed privacy to recollect himself.

"You should bring him home now..." Ashura said as he guided Fay out of the chair with his hand "and I'll see you next week Fay." he continued looking straight at Fay now.

Kurogane frowned at the way Ashura addressed Fay...since when did he have the permission to use his real name? He swirled his tongue in his mouth and tried to get rid of that unpleasant taste he could not name. When did Ashura hold such preponderance in Fay's life? He found it offending that Fay seemed to trust the psychiatrist more than him...where had the initial hostility gone to? Than he mentally slapped himself in the forehead because it proves that Ashura had done his job. He had somehow gotten Fay to open up...the blonde man's willingness to go through hypnosis to reveal his past was more than telling enough.

He than thought back to the changes he noticed in Fay's behavior throughout the month...his gradual ease with strangers and gaining adaptability to assimilate himself into another new environment. It was all the work of the Ashura. But if that was so, why was Fay still being difficult to him? The blonde's display of temperament was always unpredictable when interacting with him. They could be having a very casual conversation when all of a sudden Fay will clam up and evade his questions. Either that or he would throw some jagged remarks and accusations on why he was always throwing rhetorical questions at him.

Was Ashura right to say then that his nature was too aggressive, therefore prompting the neurotic man to resurrect broken down barriers up again and again when around him? But ever since that day when Fay had broken down, he had reined in his temper considerably. No vulgarities spewed out in anger, no sharp and hurtful words and no _manhandling_ towards the blonde man. So what could have gone wrong? Why had every one managed to gain a foothold in Fay's world except for him?

He walked behind Fay watching the slender man stroll further off ahead of him, unwittingly, he found himself admiring the halo of soft golden hair shimmering in the afternoon light. He noticed the nurses along the corridors throwing second and even third glances at the blonde man, whispering to each other with shy smiles. He understands their appreciation for beauty because he thought the same too. While it cannot be denied that Fay was a man, it was also impossible to ignore those azure eyes framed with liquid gold and fine features. But for a man with Fay's past...it seems his exquisite and fragile looks were more a curse than a blessing.

He wonders than if Fay hated the way he looks...maybe he does because he notices too that Fay has an aversion to looking at any prolonged periods of time at a mirror. He didn't exactly like to dress up either, always; he was in a tee-shirts and boot-cut jeans that hung precariously at his hips. The jackets and coats were optional and dependent on the weather...those are the only ones he was willing to wear. He had went out and bought the jackets after he realized that Fay hadn't bought any warm clothing for himself. For a long while, Fay was dependent on that old green shawl he found in one of his cupboards. The rest of the new clothing that Kurogane had purchased for him was still left unwrapped in his wardrobe. Kurogane suspects that Fay had the same sentiments as when he encounters a new experienced. Fay may still feel uncomfortable and he didn't savor any other unnecessary attention from strangers if possible.

He puzzled for a while on all reasons possible and thought of what had he down to create that avalanche of distrust in Fay towards him...and than caught himself in the middle of pondering these

Why is it important to him that Fay see him as a friend and not just as a caretaker?

oooooooooooooooooooooooooo

It is a normal perception that one has when thinking about how life falls apart...that things will always start and end with great aplomb and drama. It never does of course. Everything culminates until the balance is lost and crumbles silently around, and one won't even realize it until the cracks starts showing and everything starts drifting apart. Instantaneous changes that herald the end of life as one knows it and one would have to pick themselves up, rebuild everything and continue walking.

For Fay, the process never seems to stop. It was always falling pieces inside of him and it never fails to amaze him on how he was able to come so far in life. He was someone who housed too many ghosts in his mind...was it strange that he haven't managed to kill himself yet? He had cried and sometimes he was so close to giving up, but innately deep within, he held on. No matter what happened...he had one constant wish.

He wanted someone to take it all away...the pain, the tears, that thing that's living in his heart, whispering to him night and day. Like the screams in his head...they never...they haven't stop ever since they died. He wanted it to end...he want to hear himself again. He wants to move forward and free the being that was crucified firmly to the ghost of his past. He wants to stop clinging on to the guilt because if nothing he did was atonement enough...would it be better to let go and seek atonement for himself instead?

Freedom...he craves for it now.

That was also why he relented and offered Ashura a crack of a view into his tainted soul. He had broken the dam that held his ()tears at bay for so many years. Fay felt that he should hate him for stripping him to his barest but he couldn't. Maybe that was what Ashura found in him, that resilient and defiance, silvers of qualities that hint of a rebel fighting to exist in the depths of his soul. It was what prevents him from being pushed over the edge, saving him from himself.

He squint his eyes as he exited the hospital. The sun was bright and high but lacking of the proverbial heat. It was late April already and the temperature still showed no signs of rising. He picked up his paces and hurried to the car, eager to savor the warmth inside. He turned back to look at Kurogane who was still walking in his trademark saunter, not the sloppy kind, but the kind that shows tremendous power coiled within just waiting for the right moment to burst out.

The man has no complexities in him. Fay thought as he shifted on his legs, showing his impatience, rubbing on cold hands for emphasis. Kurogane wasn't simple...no...not in that way. He's the kind of man, who holds no qualms or scruples, most of the time guided by mere gut instincts. His world a set rules of black and white while compromising painfully to the grey world in between, and while every one was trying to distinguish themselves from the rest of the average population. Kurogane don't even have to try, be it in the way he carries him or the piercing looks given off by those strange pair of eyes. He grabs people's attention. His gaze often reminds one of a predator...always making long observations on the people surrounding him, studying them, looking into their souls without saying a word or moving a finger. Those dangerous dark looks coupled with those honest and earnest gestures he sometimes showed, confuses Fay.

That's what kind of a person he's like...Fay thought and that scares him.

It scares Fay because he doesn't know what to expect from him...because Kurogane easily sees between all his well woven lies and he didn't give a damn about his inconsequential denials. To Kurogane, as long as the reality one made out was false to begin with...there is no need to maintain an illusion about it because sooner or later...one would have to wake up.

oooooooooooooooooooooooo

Kurogane panted hard and flopped onto the other side of the bed, pulling out of Yuuko messily. She lay in her position waiting for her breathing to calm down before venturing off in the darkness to the bathroom. Kurogane watched her disappear behind the glass doors as warm evening lights flooded the room seconds later, illuminating the tousled bed sheets and clothes that are strewn all over, waking the wandering shadows hidden behind pillars.

Kurogane covered his eyes with his forearm, Yuuko's scent still lingered on his skin, a creamy scent of orange flowers and oak moss mixed with the heady scent of musk and saffron. A scent that he once found exciting and exotic to his senses now has turned into a blend smell, casually masked over by the other unidentified scents in the room. He wonders why his heart no longer thunders to the sounds of her throaty moans, why his blood doesn't run thick at the sight of her naked body or why his nether region takes just that much longer to react. He hopes she doesn't notice the difference but she is Yuuko...and details are seldom missed by her.

He stared at the painting hanging by the wall, his eyes catching irrelevant minute details of the scene illustrated on it. The unknown woman with her face painted abstractly by her side profile, was tilted at an angle looking behind her into a sea of black and empty space. Her one visible eye on the canvas showed immense longing as she searched in the darkness. Kurogane wonders why Yuuko had chosen such a nondescript piece of work for her bedroom. What could it represent or mean for her? What was she looking for? That expression on her forlorn face reminds him greatly of the blonde man at his home right now. He could have kept churning out reasons in his mind if he wasn't interrupted by Yuuko calling for him in the bathroom. He lay down for another minute or two feeling irate all of a sudden and not knowing why...reluctantly, he swung his legs over and saunter towards the bathroom.

"Do you want to join me?" Yuuko asked, forcing herself to speak in a playful tone as she turned on the water heater, popping back underneath the soothing hot water when Kurogane remained in bed. It was obvious that he wasn't in the mood for any post-coital cuddling. She wondered wistfully if she had the right to feel disappointed. Despite Kurogane's obvious attempts at covering up, she sensed the subtle changes that are taking place. Their relationship was evolving and it was in no way positive. The chasm between them is getting wider and deeper. Their conversations were no longer easy but filled with rigid silence emanating from both sides. Behind her she felt the rush of cold air and than a soft rustling of hand brushing through hair before hands cooled by cold air covered her waist.

"Humm..." Kurogane hummed lazily against the smooth skin of her neck.

"Not rushing back today?" she asked as she passed the bottle of soap to the man leaning against her. She felt rather than heard the answer - a lazy shake of his head - and than cold air hitting her skin once again. Large hands slide lazily over her skin, lathering it up with citrus smelling soap but without heat or any other intentions of continuing what they were doing earlier. It was another of those changes that Yuuko had to deal with. The Kurogane whom she was familiar with was seldom satisfied with just once.

_'Are we coming to an end...Kurogane?' _

She asked herself silently the question she had no courage to put into words. She wonders if when the time comes will she be able to let it go gracefully...without regrets, without suffering heartbreak because they weren't even talking about love yet. She thinks not...she could deny it to herself until she is only ashes and dust in a casket. But the sad truth was, she allowed herself to fall. She wanted a man beyond her reach. She lusted for a little girl's dream which she gave up a long time ago during her youth. In her rush to grow up and succeed in a world that has no place for little people, she surrendered her innocent for a life of deception and sexual favors. Forsaking morals, values and principles, she aimed high and always got where she wanted.

She had come onto her own...a formidable name in the business world and courted by the richest man and celebrities in Japan. Looking in all the wrong places to fill in the lonely gaps in her, she thought she was in love with that man. By the time she realized that she was only in love with the ambition he has in him, it was too late to untangle from the relationship. Over the years, she had learnt too much of his secrets and was too involved in his operations. He didn't trust her enough to let her go.

She gave a bitter laugh to herself...love...what's the weight of it? Isn't every one the same inside? Broken hearts, misleading themselves to try and make things right, but somehow they still end up sleeping alone through every lonely night. A caged bird...that's all she is, without rights and left at the mercy of the hand that feeds her.

Love...could a senator's mistress ask for that? If she did...would it be hers to keep?

ooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Kurogane grimaced as he glimpsed at the clock, he hadn't expect himself to be gone that long. He stole a look through the gap of Fay's bedroom door glad that the lights were switched off. He didn't want to face the blonde smelling of sex and Yuuko. He just about made it into his bedroom when he heard the distinct clink of glass on granite counter. Did Fay have another nightmare again? He stood at the door, waiting for Fay to complete his almost nightly routine and started unbuttoning his shirt. From the angle he's standing at, he saw Fay gazing at the night sky again. The blonde always does that and he wonders what kind of solace does the night provides for him. The teeming clouds a faded grey against the dark backdrop has hidden the beige moon tonight, he wonders if Fay felt disappointed that the moon did not deign to appear for him.

Fay observed from the corner of his eye as the shadow stilled and lingered by the hallway, he sat his glass down on the counter and the shadow shifted again. He knows the red eye man is watching...his silent regard often the loudest action and worries him more than his persistent curiosity. He finds Kurogane's stealthy entrance very much alike the return of an unfaithful spouse, sneaky and every quiet step leaden with guilt. He can't help but find his lips curling up of their own accord. He remembered how he had freaked out just little more than a month ago when he encountered Kurogane and Yuuko's little _escapade_. Strange that it wasn't him acting like that when he was the stranger intruding on their lives.

"Are you just going to keep standing there?"

Fay's questioning voice startled Kurogane. He lowered his gaze to the tell tale sign of his looming shadow creeping across the linoleum floor. His lips curled into a soft smile, a little embarrassed to be caught lurking in the corner spying on his housemate in this manner.

"Just making sure you're alright." He answered.

"I guess I should be?"

"You know what I'm asking about."

"Will you ever stop trying to pry me out of my own head?" Fay asked feigning annoyance in his tone. He was somehow pleased that he had been left alone for most part of the day. Kurogane seemed to finally understand that he needed the time to withdraw and gather his bearings before he could move on again "don't you cherish your peaceful nights, Kuro-san?"

"I can handle it."

Fay walked towards the dimly illuminated doorway, watching his gradually elongating shadow intercross with Kurogane's. He stopped infront of his room and took another step towards the red eye man, wanting to see his face better.

"Why do you care so much?" Fay threw the question quietly to him as he gazed sharply at eyes shining like rubies in the dark, "my life isn't your bedtime story."

Kurogane opened his mouth and shut it. He didn't know how to answer that...actually...he has no answer to that. He just finds himself involuntarily pulled in by the man's suffering and the more he glimpsed into his past life, the more he wanted to know and understand the pain that haunts him.

But why? Was he really supposed to find a reason for every one of his actions and thoughts?

"I don't know..." he answered honestly as he countered Fay's azure eyes, partly covered by soft strands of liquid gold, surprised to find that edge in his gaze. He swallowed hard, unsure of the unexplainable quickening of his heartbeat when he looked into those eyes. He shifted from his position, freeing his hand from the frame of his bedroom door and reached forward tentatively brushing those stray strands of hair away from Fay's eyes. He saw those eyes widen with confusion coupled with a tinge of fear and watched the blonde took a step back, soft strands falling back into place again.

"I think you should go to bed, Kuro-san." Fay whispered and disappeared into his room before Kurogane could do anything else, his door shutting with a soft click.

Kurogane stood there for a long time, looking at his hand, clasping and unclasping it. The feel of soft blonde hair seemingly burnt itself into his nerves forever, urging him to not forget how it feels on his skin. He questioned himself for a long while as he leaned back against the thick wooden door and wondered if he really wants an answer to what he just did.

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

Fay sat on the corner of his bed and fingered the loose sheets. His heart hammering against the hollow bones of his chest and vibrated through the rest of his body. He gasped for air and tried to calm his breathing. He recognized that look...the lust and want...the same look that man has every single time he...Fay clamped his hand over his mouth as he tasted the bitter remnants of bile at the end of his throat. He forced himself to swallow it not wanting to go out and risk bumping into Kurogane again and lain back down onto the bed.

_'Calm down and think...you might have got it wrong...he's not like that.' _Fay said thought, trying to find a way to come to terms with what just happen _'you can't break down now. Not after you've come this far. Maybe you are too sensitive...he still has her smell. He doesn't need you to satisfy his needs. They are not the same.''_

But no matter how hard he tried to convince himself, Fay could not dislodge the image of Kurogane's expression out of his mind. The questioning gaze that suddenly soften into something unreadable, crimson eyes that flashed concern and need for assurance and than to the curious hooded look of want. Why would Kurogane look at him like that?

Deep down, Fay hopes it's not what he thinks it is...

oooooooooooooooooooooooo

Miyo repeated her question again, staring at her dear son and wondering what could be so serious that he has completely drifted away from the planet his body is currently residing in.

"Kurogane...HEY! Wall Street just collapsed. Your investments are gone!" Sakura tried next and felt irritated when all she got was a grunt and a monosyllabic reply.

"If you don't mind...could I dump that bucket of ice water over him?" Miyo asked as she eyed the bucket sitting in the kitchen sink, full of fresh lettuce.

"Will you women just leave me alone...why is it so hard to get some peace on my off day?" Kurogane whined.

"Oh! He's alive!" Miyo exclaimed, throwing up her hands for added effect. Sakura shook her head and wondered if Miyo was really _not_ a fifteen year old in disguise.

"What's wrong with you today?" Sakura asked as she brushed her hand through spiky locks, still tangled and matted from sleep "and what time did you arrived home last night and how much did you drink? You look like hell."

"Thanks, I feel like I just got dragged through it too." Kurogane groaned as he took the steaming cup of coffee from Sakura's hand...only to have it snatched away by Miyo.

"Don't you know too much coffee is bad for health?" Miyo said glaring at Sakura at the same time.

"He has one every single day when he wakes up." Sakura bite out as she gritted her teeth and mourned for the shattered peace of a rare Saturday afternoon when Kurogane has the opportunity to sleep in.

"And how would you know?" Miyo asked.

"It's his daily ritual." She answered, feeling the onslaught of a headache coming right up. It never was a good idea to talk back to Miyo and Sakura wonders how many times it will take for her to learn that lesson.

Miyo thankfully for once did not deign to answer; instead she glanced in the direction of Fay's bedroom and asked for the whereabouts of the blonde hair man. Remarking at the same time that she much prefer the company of the gentle young man than that of the insolent young lady infront of her right now. It was _all_ Sakura could do to not screech and bang her head on the kitchen counter. Impatiently, she whipped out her mobile and started texting her boyfriend, prodding him to come immediately..._ASAP_...after he's done with his convention.

Kurogane glanced in the same direction as his mother was looking and than back at her, shrugging his shoulders and slumped back down onto the counter. But both women had caught the flash of unreadable emotion in his eyes.

"Daniel left a note saying that he's going back to campus to finish an assignment...did something happen?" Sakura asked carefully. She knew about those incidents very well. The blonde had confided in her during the rare occasions when he felt safe enough to bare his inner most insecurities and fears, about having to face life in a big city and living with a man with the most unpredictable temper. Though said man seemed to have tamed down considerably in recent weeks.

It was evidence enough when there wasn't even an attempt to growl at Miyo to shut up yet.

"Nothing happened." He lied easily. He knew Fay was using that as an excuse to avoid him but considering all things done...he should be glad that the blonde didn't have another 'end of the world' episode. He sigh deeply as he looked at his fingers wrapped round the handle of his mug and sigh again at the thought of those fingers running through blonde silk.

"Sakura...do you think I'm a pervert?"

ooooooooooooooooooooooooo

"Wow...that's beautiful Daniel...where did you get the inspiration from?" Watanuki asked as he let his greedy eyes run over the drying canvas. The simple depiction of a sloping mount with white fluffy flowers decorating its flank and a small boy standing in the middle of it, reminds Watanuki of children in the middle of cherry blossoms season. It was a simple oil painting but within that simplicity, he found the blonde's soul in it.

"Oh...thank you." Fay answered as he looked at the painting he had just completed "it's sort of my dreamscape."

"Dreamscape?" Watanuki asked.

"Well, you know when you dream? There's a place where you'll constantly visit...and that's the place I want to be because it's peaceful..." Fay explained simply, trying to not give away too many details.

"Yeah, I understand. But my dreams are funny though. They are always filled with Doumeki terrorizing me for his next bento." Watanuki deadpanned.

Fay chuckled as an image of Watanuki's dark hair lover came to mind. The man has an enormous appetite and if Fay has not seen it with his own eyes, he would have thought Watanuki was being delusional. All of a sudden he felt pity for Watanuki for all the bento he have lug to campus everyday.

"You should be happy that he loves what you do for him."

"I am...though I'm a habitual whiner. I don't know how he tolerates me and all but I never take his acceptance for granted." Watanuki answered with a dreamy look in his eyes.

"How did you fall in love with each other?" Fay asked curious.

"Fall in love? Hahaha...I never had a chance to fall in love with that piece of plank wood. He just took my heart without my permission and locked it in that secret locker of his. End of story. One day, I'm going to find that key and steal my heart back." Watanuki said as he threw another splat of paint onto his own canvas, smiling the silliest smile Fay had ever seen in his life.

Fay just had to smile with him.

"Well, I'm glad to see that you're able to be happy in the meantime." Fay said.

"Have you ever been in love than yourself?" Watanuki asked.

"No." came Fay's simple answer.

_'and I don't think I would ever want to...'_

TBC

_Misc: () tears - it is a figurative description and does not represent real tears. _


	6. Chapter 6

**Author's note:**

I really enjoy making Kurogane and Fay very confused and tormented individuals. Although I kind of hate myself for doing it, it's like a secret vice that I cannot...NOT...indulge in. I'm still trying to focus on Kurogane and the increasing insanity of his mind...simply because he doesn't understand why he is harboring such feelings for a man. No doubt the man that he's interested in is beautiful beyond compare. Our guy just can't seem to get it around in his head that he is falling in love...YOU ARE IN LOVE KURO-SAMA!! So forgive me if the pacing or development gets a bit clumsy here and than because I'm trying to get their relationship into a plateau before things can start happening...

Did anyone realize I have a hair fetish? Fay's hair of course...of all the uke(s) that existed in anime kingdom, his hair never fails to mesmerize me. Don't you guys think so too? It's just at the right length, not too girlish or boyish, a style that can never go 'out of style' and ohh...that sun shiny light yellow blonde...isn't it just gorgeous? Oh...by the way, did anyone find a real/reel life person that looks like Fay? It's difficult isn't it? I can't even find a decent drawing of him and Kurogane together. It's sad...so sad...maybe it only because I haven't been looking hard enough. Just diverting for a while here...have anyone seen this manga called 'I can't even breathe without you.'? Please go watch it on YouTube, that pairing reminds me so much of KF. Ok...more like how I wish KF would be like together. But do watch it, it's so cute!

I don't know why...but...I'm not very satisfied with how this chapter came out but nevertheless, I hope you guys enjoy it. Thanks to all the readers who reviewed...it is great motivation for me to keep writing.

This chapter is inspired by, Maroon 5 - She will be love and James Morrison - You Give Me Something

_Without the sun, stars and moon as my guide_

_I am held sway by the currents of this ocean_

_My feet like gnarled roots, buried themselves_

_Deep beneath the ocean bed_

_Without a possibility of moving on_

_I am lost in this endless vastness._

_- Cattyfuzzy_

**The Continuality of Existence**

**Chapter 6 **

Watanuki tapped his fingers impatiently against the wooden table, wondering if that stoic face pig had got himself trapped in the gutter or something. He was taking mighty long to just 'get a drink'. He flicked his eyes lazily to the side and watched Fay poked at his lunch...an unappetizing mix of steamed vegetables and fried pieces of salmon. Really, he wonders what their fees are for if they had to pay to eat slop like that. International Universities...one would expect more than that. He vaguely considered bringing a share of bento for Fay too. The guy was looking way too skinny for his own good.

He continued his casual observation of his golden hair classmate. He was such a mystery...quiet and always keeping a low profile, seldom talks about his private life. Whatever morsels of information Watanuki had was mostly deduced from their conversations. Sometimes, he sees a red eye man with spiky hair drives him to campus in a flashy convertible and he wonders what the nature of their relationship is. Not like his and Doumeki definitely, but the indescribable tension between them was obvious. Fay never says goodbye to him, only a polite nod of his head and that soft smile of his, the red eye man only responses with a cursory glance in his direction before speeding off.

Lately though, Watanuki noticed, the glances lingered a little longer than needed.

Fay pushed the fork around in his plate absent-mindedly, not feeling particularly hungry. He wanted to try and stretched the remaining minutes because he knows Kurogane would still be at home. If anything, he didn't want to risk a rerun of yesterday's episode. His stomach was still churning and seemed to be weighed down with stones. He couldn't get rid of that feeling and the image of Kurogane morphing into that man...hell bent on hurting him again.

_'You will always be hurting...doesn't matter that he's six feet underground.'_

Fay blinked as the thought flitted through his mind. He shoved his fork hard through a piece of broccoli deliberately, wishing for the train of thought to die away. He knows if he doesn't stop now, he will keep brooding over it till he breaks. It's not somewhere he would like to sink again.

He does not totally comprehend it at the moment but in this land that was to be home, he felt life flow smoothly, singing an unending rhythm of healing lullabies. Maybe it was a simple fact of being away from a country he no longer thinks of as home. Whichever, he had never felt so much optimism and determination in his life before. He is glad for it. He still fears though but that was something that will never disappear.

But what Kurogane did last night came near to unhinging him again. That left him scrambling...stepping on glass shards in a rush to gain back whatever little control he had gotten recently. Disconcerting and leaving him feeling more than a little shaken. When his emotions are flung around like that, he wonders if it might be better for him to move out. Simply because he felt like he's constantly balancing himself on a tight-rope, always hanging precariously by the toes of his feet, ready to fall off whenever Kurogane is near. He tells himself that he doesn't hate the man because God knows what shit he has been tolerating regarding Fay; he just needs to be far away from the red eye man.

"Hey, are you even hungry at all?" Watanuki asked, his crystal loud voice slicing through his quiet thoughts rudely. Fay turned to face the other blue eye boy, a slight frown settling on his forehead. Watanuki being pretty much oblivious to everything continued his mumbling and than raised his voice to comment some more. He only stopped when Doumeki appeared from behind out of nowhere and trusted a can of green tea under his chin.

"What took you so long?" Watanuki nearly shouted the question at Doumeki, rising up from his seat to wag his finger infront of the taller boy.

"Sit back down and stop being a nuisance before I kiss you right now." Doumeki said calmly, in his deep monotonous voice, to a now sputtering and red faced Watanuki.

"I hate green tea!" Watanuki complained heatedly but still opening up the beverage and drinking it down in big gulps anyways.

Fay witnessed the exchange with a fair bit of amusement. It was getting really difficult to not feel affectionate towards the pair of lovers; he could not deny the love flowing out of them for each other. Fay laughed at his corny sentiments with a certain amount of wistfulness and the familiar ache in his chest.

He had never seen his parents behaved that lovingly before. No terms of endearment exchanged, no bickering, no happy 'forget about tomorrow' laugh and no gentle caresses between them, He wonders how much does his mother loved that man to allow herself to live such a life of depravity and oppression.

He wonders how much does she loved him, so much so that she found it easier to forgive that man than to forgive the boy that has her blood running through his veins.

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

Fay tried to focus his eyes somewhere instead of the dizzying array of stores in the surrounding area. The wafts of smell that tells of greasy fast food, teenagers talking animatedly around him and various different kinds of music assaulted all his senses. He had never seen a place so alive before! People walking about the streets were dressed in the most flamboyant ways and some even looked like they lived at a rock concert venue permanently. It seems that young Japanese people were pretty advant-garde; the influence of western culture had proliferated into their lives successfully. Their style an extravagant fusion of east and west, he wasn't sure if he likes it, preferring the mundane sea of business suits he was used to seeing near the street where he lives at.

He watched as Watanuki dragged Doumeki zigzagging across the wide lane, girls staring opening at them both...mostly at Doumeki. He followed behind in a relaxing stroll, wanting enough time to absorb the sights around him. Enjoying the leisurely pleasure of being alone in a crowd as every one else hustle past him, caught up in the busy minute moment of their lives. He thinks it is a different kind of peace one would get from religion. Because moments like this made him feel insignificant, ever more lonely yet surrounded by plenty of people with the same lonesome souls. A kind of solidarity that none of them were aware of. He pulled his jacket around him as a soft drizzle started, the temperature was dropping again. He would need to get a thicker jacket soon. Autumn will be ending, and the cold grey tendrils of winter will wrap itself about the city, ensconcing everything in a blanket of unearthly white.

"Hey, guys! Look at this! Isn't it gorgeous?" Watanuki exclaimed, pointing to a pair of scrunched faded jeans as he pulled Doumeki to a halting stop infront of a rag tag looking shop. The glass display featuring gothic punk pieces and boots that look out of this world, Fay baulked at the idea of Watanuki dressed in any of them.

"It's not you." Doumeki said as he continued walking down the crowded street, undeterred by Watanuki's grip. He pulled the slighter man to another shop further down the lane instead, ignoring his noisy protest. Fay felt truly in awe of Doumeki, it was a miracle that the stoic face man have not been tempted to slam his head against the nearest pavement yet. He doesn't dislike Watanuki but sometimes his loud antics give him the worst headaches.

"Isn't this better?" Doumeki asked as he scrutinized another boutique display. This store was the complete opposite of what they had just seen. Warm earth tones and a daring blend of playful colors, designer shirts featuring clean cuts, so reminiscence of the preppy look of college boys in the 50s.

"Do you think I was going back to high school? It's hideous!" Watanuki made a face as he answered.

"That's the point. No one will ever even throw a glance at you again."

"If you're so insecure, go get someone ugly!"

"You're such a narcissist. I wasn't even complimenting you." Doumeki said with his brow raised up with a cocky, self assured smirk.

Fay snorted and laughed than because Watanuki's goldfish expression was much too fun to resist.

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

Kurogane stirred when the dog barked, he heard the mellow voice of Fay in the hallway returning Manju's greeting. He rubbed at sleepy eyes and heaved the comforter off him as he slide off the bed lazily. The cold shock from the floor woke him up completely. He had forgotten to turn on the heater before he went to bed, the cold air in the house nipped at his sleep warmed skin. He groped for his bed room slippers with his feet and cussed when his toe hit the hard wooden corner of his bed. Irritated, he simply got up and tolerated the stinging cold of the floor, walking with the soles of his feet tilted towards a corner in order to avoid touching as little of the wooden surface as possible.

"You're late." Kurogane mumbled as he reached for the remote placed on the coffee table and switched on the heater. His voice carrying with it a hint of worry and silent reprimand, he was honestly worried when it was past eight in the evening and the blonde hadn't even called to inform he will be late home. Neither had he answered his calls.

"I want shopping with some friends." Fay answered. Shopping with Watanuki and Doumeki was his greatest nightmare as well as his most guilty pleasure. He never knew guys could shop that much. It was of course, mainly Watanuki doing the shopping, twirling them here and there with such speed and ferocity that Fay wonders why isn't he with the athletic team.

"Why didn't you pick up the phone?" Kurogane asked accusingly as he walked towards the blonde, irrational irritation flashed through him when he heard the word 'friends'. What kind of friends? Are they from the same faculty? Knowing the looks the blonde attracts, he was also wary about the intentions they have towards him. Were they men or women?

_'Woah! Hey...cool...chill. He just went out for a couple of hours. No need to drive yourself up the wall for it.' _Kurogane's inner voice poked at him, soothing his bristling temperament before anything happens. He drew a long breathe instead and continued looking down at Fay, stubborn gaze locked onto willful ones. Fay was the one to give out in the end, tired from a long day of walking around town without a rest, discomfort starting to build up from the proximity of Kurogane.

"...it's noisy out there on the streets and I wasn't expecting you to call." Fay answered. Truth was, he heard the rings loud and clear, and he just wasn't bothered "stop questioning me. I'm old enough to take care of myself."

"..."

"I will send you a message the next time." Fay relented as he watched the scowl on Kurogane's face deepen. He wasn't interested in spoiling his day with another pointless disagreement

"Bought anything?" Kurogane asked as he eyed Fay's bloated bag, trying to diffuse the tension between them.

"Just a pair of boots, I can't walk around in my loafers anymore. They're not thick enough to protect me from the cold." Fay answered, as he pulled out a pair of brown suede boots and placed them on the corner of the genkan.

"They are nice. Have you had dinner yet?"

Fay shook his head and dumped his bag onto the couch before following Kurogane into the kitchen. He sat by the counter and watched Kurogane worked about in the kitchen preparing his dinner. His eyes trailing Kurogane's every move. He watched him stretched his arms to the cabinet above for the plates and bowls and watched him shift from foot to foot adjusting his weight. It was a rare sight for Fay to see the man so casual in bed tousled hair and crumpled surf shorts. Normally, he would be in his shirts and dress pants or his ridiculously tight tank tops and rugged frayed jeans once he steps out of his own room. Fay wondered if Kurogane was so distracted by worry that he hadn't even remembered to put on a shirt for modesty's sake.

Kurogane opened the fridge and took out the baking pan stuffed full of mashed potato and minced meat and turned to ask if Fay wanted some salad on the side. He stiffens and felt his heart start that unexplainable thump again when he spotted Fay staring unblinkingly at him.

"Something wrong?" he asked feeling his tongue go slightly heavy and his lips go dry.

"Nothing...I'm sorry to make you worry." Fay replied as his casual gaze left Kurogane.

_'No! Look at me again...I don't' want you looking somewhere else.' _

"...Do you want some salad?" Kurogane asked his mind confused as to where that thought had come from.

"No, just whatever you have there." Fay answered as he nodded in the direction of the baking pan "Do we still have coke?" he continued.

"Yeah." Kurogane answered as he watched Fay get off the bar stool and walked towards the fridge, brushing pass close to him to gain access to the contents inside. Kurogane stilled completely as he unwittingly lean forward catching the scent of his shampoo from Fay's hair. He doesn't know why but the scent smelled even more enticing coming from those silky locks.

_'What the hell do you think you're doing?' _Kurogane straighten up as his inner voice asked _'Ok...I'm totally freaking myself out. Don't be weird now.' _

Fay turned and found himself looking into Kurogane's spaced out expression, his body leaning close.

"Are you alright, Kuro-san?" Fay asked as he registered a similar expression he had seen last night. Immediately, he felt weariness creep up again. He retreated backwards against the cold steel of the fridge door and gripped tighter at the bottle of coke in his hands.

"Oh, yeah...I'm fine...great even." Kurogane slapped himself in the head mentally when he realized what he must be doing again "Look...I know it's really awkward what happened yesterday...but..."

"It's ok...I was just too...I'm not used to close contact like that." Fay answered with a soft smile, hoping that explanation could erase all the awkwardness building up.

"K...I understand." Kurogane answered as his brows lifted. It was the very first time that Fay was so open to him. That simple answer made him feel incredulously...silly...light hearted. He felt that strange pull at the bottom of his stomach again, an aching...not the painful kind but something that twists and makes him nervous about nothing at all. He brushed off that feeling brutally and felt somewhat empty and cold immediately. What the heck was wrong with him?

Was it normal to feel so unsettled around another man?

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

Sakura laughed and slapped her palm on the kitchen counter as Fay choked on the piece of sashimi. Kurogane snickered and doesn't even try to pretend to look sympathetic, his red eyes sparkling with mirth.

"Argh...what's that in it. I thought you said it's only raw fish? Oh...goodness, I'm not touching it again." Fay said as his eyes watered and raw heat traveled up towards his nose, choking him on nothing but air.

"Hahaha...ohh...I always love seeing that expression on people!" Sakura howled. Sometimes, one is utterly deceived by her demure demeanor and soft spoken voice. It is hard to believe that such a sweet looking girl was actually the devil in disguise.

"It's Wasabi, made from horseradish." Kurogane explained, still trying to hard not to chuckle and handed a glass of ocha to Fay "It might make you feel better if you take a couple of deep breathes," he continued, voice carrying with it a hint of concern and eyes staring too intently at the blonde. Fay nodded, not missing the look on the red eye man. He shifted in his seat and pull away from that hypnotic gaze.

"If you guys want me to down those slime, it had better be rid of that Wasabi thing."

"That takes the fun out of it and it's not slime. It's raw fish." Sakura chimed in with an all too innocent look as she slather a generous amount on her serving of sushi, and threw a challenging smirk in Kurogane's direction.

"Oh...no...you're not making me do that. I'm won't fall for it again." he said and started backing away from her slowly.

"Afraid of losing to me again?" Sakura taunted.

"Hey...for the record, I didn't lose to you the last time."

"Really? What do you call it then?" she said and stuffed a piece of salmon slice smeared full of green choking agent, licking her full lips for effect "mmm...isn't this delicious?"

Kurogane just watched with narrowed eyes and edged further away from the table.

Fay watched them, bemused. It was the few rare moments that he had seen Sakura and Kurogane interact like that. It was so rare for them to be in the apartment at the same time. The first couple of weeks was because Fay felt unfamiliar and therefore felt like he was intruding. Now, he felt more comfortable and slowly, they fall into a rhythm, easily blending with casual conversations. He couldn't help feeling that they were more like siblings, their casual bantering and full fledged arguments that most often resulted in a kick in the shin by Sakura. They obviously care for each other too judging by the way they are so involved in each other lives.

"Kuro-san, surely you can't be outdone by a paltry woman who knows not her place in this household?" Fay spoke mimicking a haughty, dramatic lilt he picked up from Watanuki, and than proceeded to imitate Kurogane's self possessed, arrogant smirk. That really egged the spiky hair man on. Both Fay and Sakura watched with bated breathe as Kurogane dumped a whole dollop onto the thinly sliced piece of fish and pop it into his mouth.

"Ohhh..." Sakura breathed as she waited with anticipation for Kurogane to bite into it. Fay cringed visibly at the thought of having that stuffed into his mouth.

As expected by Sakura, Kurogane's face turned an absolute fascinating tinge of blue and green as he forced himself to swallow everything in his mouth. Without chewing it, that is. They watched transfixed as the normally 'suave and cool' guy choke on the Wasabi, remnants that he could not avoid getting on the surface of his tongue.

Than the string of expletives in-between violent coughs.

Kurogane grouched in the corner of his couch, glaring at Fay, his eyes were still tearing from laughter by the time Sakura left.

"Looks like you really enjoy gloating over my misfortunes?" Kurogane deadpanned, concealing the pleasure he feels at seeing Fay laughing without a care in the world.

Fay straightens up on the couch, leaned on the other end of the armrest and wiped at his eyes. His chest heaved and tremors of laughter still threatening to erupt. He rubbed gently at the sides of his stomach, savoring the sore aching he suffered from laughing too hard and was reminded of the last week before he got transferred out of juvenile prison. He remembered the boy with brown sandy hair and warm hazel eyes...the name was forgotten by now, although he thinks he will recognized him if they ever met on the streets.

"You know...there was a boy I met in prison...and...he used to make me laugh like this and every night, I would go to bed with my sides feeling like they had split up." Fay recalled fondly "He was only there for a week...it was enough though...to make me feel like I'm alive again."

Kurogane's heart stopped a beat when he realized what Fay just said and the underlying torrents of what this revelation to him meant. The man was opening up to him without questions or the weariness he normally treated Kurogane with. He recognizes it as an unspoken offering to move out of this ambiguous square into another level called friendship. Kurogane tried to ignore why he felt so disappointed at the thought. What was he expecting than? Why is it that his persistent heart was so keen on giving up on him when he saw Fay laugh? Why is it that his ears so favor that tinkling sound that he would do anything to hear it again? He was already missing bright blue eyes that shone with life. Why does he have such an indescribable urge to reach out and graze his fingers on milky skin and golden blonde hair?

But he wasn't that stupid. He knew what was going on with himself...he knew right from the start when he saw those pair of haunted eyes. He knows what will happen when he found his normal calm coming undone with the slightest provocation from the blonde. He just doesn't want to see it yet because that would mean going against everything he had been brought up to believe. Admitting what he didn't want to will only ruin their lives and complicate everything. And he was someone who prefers living without complications.

oooooooooooooooooooooooo

Fay settled down in the plush armchair and waited for Ashura to end his current session, feeling odd without the presence of Kurogane. He was used having the red eye man wait with him, used to listening to that deep calming voice talk on the phone. Sometimes the voice wouldn't be so calm; it would dip lower in a dangerous way. That would signal that things weren't going well. It's always after calls like this that he would leave the hospital.

He thought of the recent weekend they had shared together, it was the first time they ever had a decent conversation with each other. Not those of when you make small talk to fill the spaces in between, but the kind of conversations you have when you sincerely wanted to know the other person as a friend. It was funny how they only clicked together now after living for so long under the same roof. He never realized that Kurogane had a humorous side or that he could be such a little whiner when Sakura was around. He had only been exposed to the more serious, intense side of Kurogane. He hardly seen those crimson eyes so molten warm before. It was only mostly blazing with anger and confused frustration until this weekend.

It was good progress, Fay reckons. They could finally step onto an equal platform, do away with that underlying animosity that never seemed to generate enough heat but left simmering just enough to push. It was also the first time that he had heard the red eye man laughed a real laugh. The sound, raspy, deep and cackling occasionally was something that ingrained itself naturally into his mind. They talked about Rayne...the memories he left with them and the moments when the old guy tries to prove that he was younger than he was to some young hot thing. Those embarrassing, endearing moments were cherished and tucked away within their minds. It was like they were actually together with Rayne when they relived those memories and it was also the first time he had seen crimson eyes, brimmed with tears.

It was than he realized just how deep the bond between Rayne and Kurogane was.

They ended the night on a friendly note and Fay was glad that the man didn't try anything weird with him. He didn't want their new found balance to be sent tilting into oblivion. Still, he didn't miss that flash of unidentified emotion in Kurogane's eyes. He was seeing more and more of it nowadays. It should be a good enough reason for him to start worrying but he wants to trust Kurogane...trust that he won't be hurt in anyways.

He glanced at his watch, there was still fifteen minutes more to his schedule time. He flipped through one of the magazines on the desk and entertained himself with articles displaying headings that seemed to pop out of a sci-fi movie. Amazing...he never thought that the human eyes could even do that! He was so transfixed by the photo in the magazine he didn't notice Ashura stepping out of his office towards him.

"You're early," Ashura said, staring down at the head of blonde "he isn't here today?" he continued, turning his head to survey the reception area, somehow pleased that Kurogane wasn't here.

"He will be picking me up later."

"Does he not feel secure leaving you in the hands of the station masters at the railways?" Ashura said snarkily, twirling his pen with his index and middle finger in a crazy clock-wise direction. His lips cracked into a one sided smirk.

Fay looked up and sighed through his nose haplessly. They are so like twelve year olds...it was impossible to stop these two men from loathing each other. Even in the other's absence, an argument can obviously still be maintained. He just placed the magazine back down on the coffee table and headed towards the aesthetic looking office. Surprisingly, the lack of warm and comforting colors in the interior made it that much easier for Fay to relax and talk about things he normally wouldn't share with others.

Ashura followed close behind the blonde, noticing the spike of irritation from his reaction and body language. He mentally patted himself on the back for eliciting those reactions. Sometimes, Fay was much too reserve for him to truly qualify for a human. He's more akin to a robot which has been programmed to learn everything about the world step by step. He copies the necessary acceptable behavioral patterns and thought processes but doesn't necessarily understand them.

Ashura smiled and toyed with the idea on whether it was possible to mold Fay...he was curious. Like a piece of white parchment, he itched to write something on it. Just to test the texture and see what kind of story his fingers will pen out for him. What will the story be like? Such a beautiful fragile creature as him should deserve a happy ending. He needs someone who could protect him, to hold and comfort him, someone who will be his angel and cradle him within warm, gentle wings. He wondered if he could be the one to close the gaps in-between those cracks.

Yes...Fay was an interesting case study indeed.

"So where shall we begin today?"

oooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Kurogane listened incredulously, his temper fraying at the corners. The clouds gathering in the deeper accesses of his mind, and than came the black storm which he left to brew. He hopes that the damage will be great enough when he blows.

_'Backtrack. You know anger is useless here. It's not within your control...well, I should have expected this at the very least.' _ Kurogane thought at the back of his mind as he reached across the desk for the damn stress ball. Sometimes, he wonders if it really works because the more he squeezes on it, the more he feels like throwing it hard at someone's face.

"...Kenji-san refuses to compromise with Ushio-san on the conditions of the contract...he..." Takahashi stuttered as he watched that hand exerting more and more strength into squeezing the latex foam ball. He will need to get a new one for his superior soon.

"He _what_?" Kurogane grinded out, flexing his fingers and threw the ball to his other hand.

"He says he's changed his mind. He wants to hand the copyrights to Hops & Co instead of U-Inc." Takahashi almost whispered his reply, not enjoying the dark look and furious frown on his superior "but we might have a chance to salvage the situation though...there was an agreement implied in fact wasn't it?"

"You think that would make a difference? We don't have a case against them at all if they choose to give up the deal right now." Kurogane replied harshly. He knows if Kenji-san closes with someone else, he would be losing his biggest client. That would be very destructive to his firm and something he would do anything to avoid.

"Get me a meeting with Kenji-san tomorrow. I need to talk to him personally." Kurogane said.

"Sure." Takahashi answered.

Kurogane glanced at his wrist watch and noted that Fay would be ending his session in less than 15mins time. He stood up abruptly and started packing documents he still needed to work on into his briefcase.

"I'll be out for the rest of the afternoon, if there's anything urgent. Get Shigure-san to handle them."

"Alright..." Takahashi answered and looked on as his superior started packing up his documents. Whoever that he's with right now was definitely taking up too much of his time, even though these appointments would only be once a week.

"Bye, see you tomorrow." Kurogane said as he walked out the door without a backward glance.

Kurogane tapped his index finger on the steering wheel as his eyes were glued to the entrance of the hospital, waiting for the blonde to step out of there. His mind busied itself about U-Inc's case, still troubled by the turn of events. Ushio-san would not be please with this latest information. He wondered what he could have missed out on that contract that made Kenji-san changed his mind. But it wasn't possible that he would overlook anything, he was careful when stating down the terms and conditions. There were consequences that no one would like to take responsibility of if a deal of such proportion falls through. He will have to go through it later to check for discrepancies. He stepped out of his car, breathing in the smell of frost; a scent the cold breeze brought signaling the approaching start of winter.

Winter...he thought. The blonde is so similar to it. So white and beautiful on the surface but hidden beneath a plethora of dark secrets, waiting to be dug out.

TBC


	7. Chapter 7

**Author's notes: **

Alright...the story will be getting harder to write from this chapter onwards. Kurogane is trying to come to terms with his feelings and he is divided over this new found affection for Fay. The first poem for this chapter is related to how Kurogane feels and the relationship he has with Yuuko. The second poem is for Yuuko. I'm trying to dig deep into myself to write from some of Kurogane's and Yuuko's perspective. So, I sincerely hope it will be realistic enough.

For all those who have continuously reviewed each and every chapter, I can't thank you guys enough. I love your reviews and thanks for following this story; it makes writing more meaningful, and as I have mentioned earlier...this story is of great importance to me. It is for a cause that I advocate in real life...second chances and love don't come by often, be generous with them because someday you will need it too.

By the way, there's a reader who reviewed and mentioned that I'd be great at writing crack, I'm honored to have received that praise because I've been told quite often that I'm too serious...sappy...emotional and long-winded. Honestly, thanks a lot!

This chapter is inspired by John Legend - Ordinary People and Angela Aki - Your Love Song

_A brush of your skin_

_Avoidance of my knowing heart_

_The pretense that we keep up_

_A convincing lie_

_- Cattyfuzzy_

_Own my secrets_

_Lay with me_

_Taste the salt of my skin_

_But a stranger you remain_

_Our lives intangible, detached_

_- Cattyfuzzy_

**The Continuality of Existence**

**Chapter 7 **

_Winter...he thought. The blonde is so similar to it. So white and beautiful on the surface but hidden beneath a plethora of dark secrets, waiting to be dug out._

Secrets...the word whispered to him. Its trailing whorls of smoke covered lies that the blonde constantly blind others with a smile...Kurogane wants to blow it all away. He wantsto see aFaywho willlaugh with no burdens and who he could talk about everything and nothing with. He wants to brandish and mark his secrets so that they will become his, the weight of his past shouldn't be Fay's to shoulder alone.

These thoughts ran through his mind as he watched the blonde descend from the steps of the hospital entrance. Without realizing it, his denial had left him silently, stalking away like a thief into the night. He was left with nothing but a startling realization his heart wanted acknowledged but his mind wanted cut off. He wonders if all epiphanies came that easily and won't the world be a better place because of it.

He muses about the fact that he had not even managed to cultivate a semblance of friendship between himself and the blonde, yet, he couldn't deny the attraction that pulled at him. To say that he was stupefied by this knowledge would make it the understatement of the century, wasn't he straight in the first place?

Should he try harder to resist and stamp away the blooming rose of affections he feels for the blonde? He could, would and will, but he figures the result will be the same. He was already lost the first time he looked into those cerulean eyes...so blue that they seem luminous and that gaze...so guarded that it hurts to look at it. His beauty that bespoke of such tragedies entraps him.

He wonders if he was mistaking this for something else? Pity? Lust...perhaps? There could be so many things, so many reasons...Yet at the same time, despite his relatively peaceful 'self-discovery', he feels something akin to fear.

He is thirty two and still doesn't understand the workings of his heart at all...

Fay caught sight of the manfrom the corner of the window, leaning against his car. Brows furrowed as if in deep thoughts. He wonders what is troubling him. He resumed his steps towards the entrance of the hospital, adjusted the strap of his bag on his shoulder and buttoned up his jacket. The wind was starting again, it wasn't strong but it was cold and always leaves his lips chapped. He thinks of bringing his tub of Vaseline along with him everywhere he goes in future. That shall ease the tightness his feels constantly on his lips when the temperature drops.

He approached Kurogane, studying the men's face as various unidentifiable expressions flitted by. His face set in rugged hard lines soften by sensual curves of lips and deep set crimson eyes framed by well shaped brows, it was a face that seeks attention unknowingly anywhere it goes. Sometimes, Fay resents it, the fact that Kurogane's inherent good looks and successful life seems to take so little effort to achieve. Sometimes, he compares himself withthe redeye manand hates the contrast he sees. He look weak, without a ounce of musculinity or a measure of success in his life. Was it no wonder that life choose not to bless him than?

"Hey..." he called out as he near the red eye man, gazing at him now "enjoying the scenery?" he asked off handedly.

"Hn...nothing just thinking about something from work."Kurogane answered distractedly, pushed away from the boot of his car and made to enter the still opened car door when Fay spoke out.

"You know...if you did that in certain parts of Brooklyn...you're going to be carjacked."

"Have you ever experienced it?"

"No. I heard enough stories though."

"Well, that's discriminating." Kurogane stated righteously.

"You're really a lawyer through and through." Fay answered with a wry shake of his head and curl up one side of his lips.

"Hn..."

"Look, if you're busy with work, I can go home myself." Fay said as he pause his hand near the handle of the car door.

"No, it's fine. I bought the documents back with me." Kurogane insisted and got into the car, ending any possibility of Fay refusing him again. Fay followed with a frown and threw his bag behind

"Can't you bring the top down?" he asked.

"Are you insane? We'll freeze from the wind buffeting us...are you even aware of the temperature?" Kurogane asked as he pulled at the thick woolen collar of Fay's jacket. Fay just shrugged and leaned back into the seat, scrunching into his favorite position and lifted his knees onto the dashboard.

"Can you not do that? You know how much I hate it." Kurogane said irritably as he pulled out of the parking lot and onto the main street.

"It's comfortable...concentrate on the road, Kuro-san. It's dangerous to look somewhere else when you're driving."

"How can anyone be comfortable with their bones bent in this fashion?" he muttered.

Fay just shrugged his shoulders casually in reply before making himself comfortable, letting his thoughts drift as they cruise down the busy streets of Shinjuku.

"So, what did you talk about with Dr. Rei today?" he asked.

"Nothing much...I think he hypnotized me again, I can't seemed to remember much of what happened." Fay answered. He wasn't pleased that Ashura had hypnotized him without his knowledge, even though he had given him the green light the first time. It was not an experience he enjoyed. Although, he couldn't remember exactly what happened, the vague remnants of memories would always come back to him at night. When his subconsciousness would be more active and than the dreams will begin once more. He will only find out what he has been manipulated into rememberingduring the night.

He hoped that one day, those memories will disappear and he will be able to let everything go. He wants to demolish the graveyard of lost souls haunting his mind. But hope is a fiddly thing; it often lures one into a false sense of security, a pessimistic optimism that one should not believe in. Because whatever you hope for seldom comes to pass and most often, one is very aware of that fact.

And hope has always turned up empty handed for him.

"I told him specifically that he's not supposed to do that unless I'm around." Kurogane said in a scornful tone. Fay was already having an increased of nightmares ever since he started these sessions. The bank of memories that has been unlocked seemed too much for Fay to bear. Yet somehow...Fay started to act more at peace. But he knows better than to take things at face value. For all he knows, the blonde could be just putting on a front. He was uncanningly adept at hiding his bruises and damages he suffered from life. He was worried that Fay would be stuck in his nightmare, unable to find release from it if he failed to step out of this stage. Ashura was too much of a risk-taker, too confident in his abilities to worry about the'what ifs'. He was sure no matter how much or thoroughly you understand the human mind, anomalies will always exist. No one can bet a hundred percent surety when it comes to human thoughts and behavior.

"Kuro-san..."

"Yes?"

"Before I forget, Sakura called to inform you that Miyo is at home waiting for you."

"Oh...now I really feel like going back to the office..." he whined in reply as Fay chuckled and pulled his collar further up his face.

They came home to find Miyo in the kitchen and Sakura simmering red on the couch. Kurogane headed straight for his bedroom with a curt greeting to both of them, desperate to avoid the conflict between the two women whose presences dominated his domestic life. Manju followed behind, yelping in joy to see his master and tail wagging vigorously. Sometimes Fay imaging it dropping off all of a sudden, damaged from all those violent whips.

"So, care to let me know what happened?" Fay asked as he sat on the corner of the couch. Sakura grabbed a cushion and hugged it tightly against her chest, a visible grinding of her teeth could be heard.

"Nothing, it's just Miyo being Miyo."

Fay smiled gently and sat closer to Sakura.

"Want to go for a walk?" He asked.

"Ok...maybe you could walk me to the train station. There's nothing much I can do since she's here."

Fay nodded and grabbed his keys as he whistled for Manju. The claws of the dog scraping on the linoleum floor could be heard and Fay made a mental remainder to send Manju for its grooming session. Kurogane does not seem to be the kind of man to be mindful of such things. He took the leash hanging on the wall and hooked it to Manju's collar. He opened the door and waited for Sakura to say goodbye to Kurogane. From the door, he could hear their hushed whispers and than a cheerful regard from Kurogane to Syaoran before Sakura walked out.

Sakura adjusted her strap on her shoulder and loosen the clips in her hair, shaking off the tangles she acquired when doing housework at Kurogane's place.

"I don't know why she hates me so much. She makes my life so difficult." Sakura said sniffing her nose at the cold air that met them at the entrance.

"She just cares too much about Kurogane." Fay replied.

"Yeah...I do too. She's not the only person who has the right to take care of him you know?" She was miffed by how ludicrous Miyo's sense of possessiveness can be.

"Has it ever occurred to you that she feels threaten by your closeness with Kurogane?" Fay suggested, intuitively knowing how mothers normally feel towards their children. Whether or not Kurogane was Miyo's flash and blood, she had completely overcome that insignificant fact. He was saddened by this thought, his heart twisted in pain with the fact that his biological mother wasn't even bothered to lift a finger or raised an ion of concern for him during his darkest moment. It was another thing he was jealous about Kurogane, even though he has lost his mother, he found another. One who provided and showered him with all the love every mother would show towards their own child.

"I thought about it..." Sakura answered tentatively. She wasn't going to admit to Fay that she already knew how Miyo thought about her from the start.

"..."

"I'm sorry. I'm sure I sound like such a brat."

"No, you're not. I have to agree to that, Miyo is a tad suffocating to be around." Fay replied to her with a wry chuckle.

"A bit or totally?" Sakura tried, curious to know how badly he thought of Miyo.

"Ok...don't push it," Fay answered as he took Sakura's hand and held it between his "you're a very nice girl don't let her words affect you. You know very well she says stuff just for the sake of saying them sometimes."

Sakura smiled, surprised that the man had presented her with such an intimate gesture. Normally, despite his friendliness, he avoided unnecessary physical contact. She couldn't help the fuzzy feeling welling up in her. It was good to see the blonde opening up to others. She still doesn't know what the blonde had suffered before but judging from his need to see a physiatrist and the frequent nightmares, it must have left pretty bad scars on him. She squeezed his hand back, treasuring the gesture.

"Thank you Daniel...you always listen when I need to talk, even about trivial stuff such as this."

"Dou..itashi...mashite?"

"Haha...yes, you remembered the phrase!" Sakura laughed gaily "ok...thanks for walking me here Daniel. I'll see you tomorrow."

"Ok...Ja...ne?" His goodbye incited another laugh from Sakura and he watched her walk down the stairway before heading back to the apartment.

Miyo looked at him with an inquiring look as he entered the apartment. She did not give anything away if she noticed Sakura's absence. Fay walked towards her and made a short enquiry of what was for dinner before making himself scarce at Kurogane's room.

"Hey..." Fay called out softly, not wanting Miyo to overhear their conversation. He knows she must be prickling her ears right now, stretching them to catch the bits and pieces of any conversation they might have.

"Hn..." Kurogane answered distractedly as he pored over the paperwork he had brought back from the office.

"I think you should have a talk with Miyo." Fay went straight to the point, knowing that

"Why don't you try it instead? Mother has a certain fondness for you. I would probably end up hanging myself outside the building if I tried." Kurogane said with a mixture of dejectedness and sarcastic tone that only few could project.

Fay had to laugh a little at his mocked expression of fear as Kurogane contemplated the image of himself dangling by the window from a pole. He realizes he likes seeing Kurogane act like a clown...it was so unfitting for such a serious looking man.

"It's not fair to Sakura and you know it." Fay continued not willing to allow Kurogane's lameness to distract him.

"Trust me, I do." Kurogane answered as he turned serious again.

"If you did, you would go talk to Miyo right now."

"It's nice to see you so caring towards her." Kurogane stated with no small amount of pride. Fay was starting to build bonds with the people around. A very positive sign, an acceptance he is showing towards structuring a new life. He would like to have that kind of care showered on him one day..._'God, you have to stop thinking like this. He will be so freaked out if he ever finds out about how you feel.'_

"Ok, I will go talk to her if it makes you feel any better."

"Thanks..."

Kurogane's heart lurched again at that gentle smile and heartfelt thanks, it was the second time he had glimpsed an honest smile from Fay. He should not allow himself to feel like this too often, there are unspoken rules when it comes to dealing with the blonde. He would do better if he does not carry any romantic notions towards the man, considering the blonde's background and history. There is no love to be gained or loss from him but there is great irony that exists within him. A man so aware of his loneliness, separateness and powerlessness, unknowingly reaching out to souls around him, touching each and everyone of them in minute intimate ways. Said man however, does not seem to realize the fact that he needs someone to love back.

oooooooooooooooooooooo

Miyo stared unblinkingly at her step-son and wondered why he was so obedient to the blonde's suggestions.

_"BecauseDaniel wanted me to talk to you."_

Since when does her Kurogane allowed anyone to sway his mind or tell him what to do? Now he's letting a mere boy dictated what he does? Miyo shook her head as she listened with a half-mind at what he was talking about...ahh...yes...Sakura. She is so inconsequential. Young girls always think that the whole world is crumbling down on them when they faced a little meanness. Miyo just continued muttering her pointless answers to him.

Meanwhile Kurogane really wanted to grab a knife and slit himself in the throat with it. How could any one be so incredibly stubborn? There was no way he could talk to Miyo with those twisted logic of hers.

"Look...Sakura is paid to do those things for me. She is not my girlfriend. She is not interested in me and I'm not interested in her. Get it?"

Kurogane said as he turned and directed his gaze to the blonde who just stepped into the vicinity of the kitchen "are you hungry yet?" he asked.

Miyo didn't missed how her stepson's head was already turning before the blonde stepped into view and neither did she missed the look of concern and something else she could not identify yet. Kurogane was really acting strangely towards the blonde hair man. She was reminded the last time when Kurogane had that same look on a Saturday afternoon. She gasped internally...was her boy gay? She never thought of it before.

"A little...where are the chocolates I bought last week?" Fay answered as he rummaged through the fridge, finding unsuccessfully the item he craves.

"I threw them."

"What!"

"I said I thre..."

"I know what you said. I bought them. You don't have the right to throw them."

"They are bad for you. If you're hungry than eat something that fills you instead." Kurogane answered as he got off the chair and continued with the preparation of their meal from Miyo.

Miyo looked at Fay and than at Kurogane again.

Humm...yes, she is sure that something is going on in her boy's head.

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

He stood beside Yuuko for a long time...wondering when have they been lacking in conversation before. The pier was desolated and the ships looked like sparkling jewels from the distance they were standing at. The wind was getting stronger and Yuuko's hair whipped about her face, mysterious and ethereal. That was how most people feel about her. He watched her fight the element trying desperately to light her cigarette and smiled at her adorable determination, shown even when doing such an insignificant task. He pulled her behind the pillar and leaned towards her, using his body as a shield from the bellowing wind. She lighted and inhaled deeply at the cigarette giving him a barely there smile in silent appreciation.

Yuuko wonders if it was a good thing that he brought her here instead...for the longest time, they always end up having sex. Not tonight. He said he just wanted to talk tonight but there were no words forthcoming. She would like to think that he's come around finally and bringing her out for a formal date. But Yuuko was no fool. They have not seen each other for almost two weeks, he does not even entertain her with a phone call, and she is inclined to believe that Kurogane has found some other distraction. She tells herself that it might be due to work than again, she wasn't that naïve.

She was getting immensely distracted by her insecurity and tries hard to hide how she feels around that man, he normally close an eye to her one time flings. He would not be so merciful if he discovered the depth of her emotions for the red eye man. She hopes that her acting was a good enough cover.

She is starting to feel lost, drifting in the dark and trying to grasp the last threads of affection Kurogane has for her. It breaks her heart to know that she will be the one left behind this time; it aches with the bittersweet lost of love. She closed her eyes and leaned in towards Kurogane, seeking the warmth of his body. She leaned her cold cheek against the crook of his neck and savored the feeling of the pulsing rhythm of his life's blood. The cigarette between her fingers was soon forgotten as she concentrated on the comforting warmth enveloping her.

"Why did you bring me here?"

"No particular reason. I just wanted to get some fresh air," Kurogane answered as he pulled Yuuko tighter in his embrace when he felt her freezing cheek on his skin "have you had dinner yet?"

Because she knows that words left unspoken, always hurts the most.

"No...I'm not hungry."

"Do you want to go somewhere warmer?" Kurogane asked his voice still gentle and full of concern for her.

"It's ok. I haven't been here for a long time. Can we just stay here tonight?" she said. If there wasn't anything else, she could still pretend that everything is alright. She could still imagine that she had a perfect life waiting ahead for her and that she wasn't carrying a suitcase full of regrets.

Kurogane observed Yuuko from the corner of his eye as they leaned against the railings by the pier. Although her expression was fairly serene, he could tell from her eyes that she was deeply troubled. He wouldn't ask her why yet, she would tell him when she is ready to. All he can do now is to offer her his companionship.

His mind drifted off to the evening conversation he had with his mother...women's sense of intuition was a powerful and intimidating medium. He couldn't find the link as to how she even found out about his feelings, not when he has just realized it himself. He panicked a bit later after the conversation because if Miyo could tell...who is to say that Fay has not picked up on it? All he could do now is to backtrack because he only has the fragile strings of budding friendship to cling to; anything more at this moment was bound to break the precarious balance between them. The tilted balance might not bring everything crushing down onto him, but it would be a completely different story for the blonde. The tenacious will in him to start life anew might just be as easily thwarted; this was one balancing act he had to perform with great care. If he was not able to keep his feelings in check, lives will be shattered once again.

Yuuko continued studying Kurogane's face, she could tell his thoughts were not with them any longer. The aching made itself known and the feeling was becoming more familiar, less painful every time she felt it. Yes, she was sure she will survive this. She should be happy because she had the fortune to have known how love felt...even if the love was not hers to keep.

She pulled herself closer to the enticing warmth beside her and smiled a sad smile to herself.

Yes...she told herself. She was luckier than some.

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

Fay twisted in the bed violently. The sheets were coming loose and the comforter now strewn on the floor. His sleeping eyes darted around frantically behind closed lids, his breathing faster and helpless whimpers escaped his lips periodically.

_Fay was back in prison again, alone in the dank communal bathing area. The dreadful tension hanging in the air suffocates him but not to those unwanted perpetrators. They have got him cornered just the way they liked it and it seems that there was no way to get out of it this time, He fingered the thin piece of plastic flap stuck onto his skin by double-sided tape, the razor embedded on it will do little to stop these men infront of him. _

_His eyes darted desperately around for other sources of defense. He saw none. _

_The bald man who stood infront of the group took a step towards him, a sickening grin of perverse pleasure hanging off his face. He raised his hand and wondered how to extract the make shift weapon without alerting them. The furious palpitations of his heart and the fear coursing through him was crippling, he need to fight and he knows that is not his forte at all. He fervently prayed that he would have the fortune to stay in juvenile prison where physical threats of these natures were much easier to deal with. The officers had an iron hand on those boys but not the harden criminals here. _

_Fay was near panic now and when the man grabbed his wrists and pinned him against the moldy tiled wall. _

_He screamed..._

Kurogane woke up to immediate alertness and his heart almost stopped beating when he heard Fay screamed. The horrifying sound went on and on. He jumped out of bed and dashed to Fay's room. His hands were on the blonde's shoulder in a spilt second, shaking and trying to get him to wake him yet that contact only seemed to make Fay struggle against him more.

"Daniel! Daniel!" he yelled out nearly hysterical now, part of him fumed within as he thought about what Ashura might have forced the blonde to remember. Fay does not seem to react to the psuedo name and he switched to using his real name "WAKE UP! It's only a dream! Fay!"

Seeing no other reaction from the blonde apart from his continuous flailing of slender limbs, he hurled the blonde totally out of bed and dragged him into the bathroom. He pushed the blonde into the tub and blasted ice cold water straight into his face.

Fay shot awake, gasping and panting with panic when he felt ice cold water on his skin, shocking his nerves into reality. His azure eyes was glazed and disorientated as he looked around and wondered how he got into the bathroom. His sight landed on Kurogane who was still looking at him with a mixture of bewilderment, worry and concern. He blinked and tried to gather himself, his body still trembled with the aftershocks of his dreams.

"It's only a dream." Kurogane said firmly as he bent down to look straight into Fay's eyes, wanting to make sure that the man is fully sober.

Fay focused his gaze at the pair of red eyes, the shivering of his body starting to subsided and replaced by trembles of another kind. He loosens hands that had unwittingly clung on to Kurogane's arms and nodded towards the towel rack.

"...cold..." Fay attempted weakly and reached out halfway to meet the outstretched hands of Kurogane holding out a towel for him. Kurogane helped the blonde out of the tub and muttered an apology for dousing him in the middle of the night.

Kurogane watched the blonde wrapped the towel tight around his frame and make feeble steps back to the bedroom; he followed and headed straight for the cabinet. He grabbed a fresh change of clothes and passed them to Fay before stepping out the room to let him change in privacy. He waited a few minutes before knocking on the door for permission to enter. He heard Fay's muffled reply and opened the door. The man was already back in bed and under the covers.

Kurogane sat down on the far corner of the bed and watched Fay settle, the warm light of the bedside lamp bathed the blonde's features, softening the tired lines on his face.

"Feel better now..." he asked softly.

Fay's eyes were closed as he answered with a sleepy nod.

Kurogane reached for the lamp and switched off the light. Another episode that had him churning with anxiety and anger. He wondered what these emotions do to someone who had experienced and suffered the real thing. It was something a bystander listening and observing from the corner can never understand.

"Kurogane?" Fay whispered.

"Hn?"

"Leave the lights on."

"It's ok...I'll be here..." Kurogane answered. He went and settled himself on the couch instead, making himself comfortable. He felt vastly relief that Fay's traumatic reaction to such encounters have tone down drastically but it still sends him into a flurry of newfound anxiety and worries. It has only been a couple of months and he understands it is monumental process and an impossibly uphill task. He hopes in the end everything would be worth it.

Fay only replied with a tired sigh before turning to face the window, looking upwards at the dark night sky that never fails to provide comfort to him. Now, there seems to be another source of comfort reaching out for him. It may not be something he asked for but he couldn't bring himself to question the motive of the man who wanted to provide it.

He avoids thoughts like these but everyday he sees the signs and he receives the subtle care the red eye man gives. It scares him a lot because he does not want to end up depending on anyone and he does not want to stir up what every heart yearns secretly.

He wasn't someone who deserves such a base and pure emotion.

He could only hope for now that he had thought wrong.

TBC

Dedicated to GreenAppleIce / flo - Bizet - Okay, writing humor is really not my stronghold because I hardly have any sense of it. I think it's obvious from the stuff I write most of the time. But I bow and give my respect to those who writes good crack/humor because it's so much more difficult to dig out other people's funny bones. Well, I hope you guys like this little scene.

**OMAKE: Sakura and Syaoran **

They first met when they were in high school. Sakura remembers...

She misses the shy brown hair boy she met so many years ago, she misses his stutter when he tried talking to her for the first time and she misses how easily he blushes.

It is so different now.

He is still in love but no longer with her.

He would coo and say sweet nothings to his new love...even if his new love never replies.

She would watch them interact and wonders very much often on why she doesn't feel an ion of jealousy. That is supposed to be a good sign...wasn't it? She is a magnanimous woman after all.

But nowadays, it seems to be getting a little out of hand.

He started bringing his new love home...

She had to share everything with his new love. Of course, to Sakura everything has a limit and so there is a limit to her tolerance. She thinks she should have a good talk with Syaoran...yes, in fact she should have "the talk" right now.

She walked towards the couch where Syaoran was caressing his new love tenderly. She cleared her throat to capture his attention. Big brown eyes looked up at her, curious and weary...

"Syaoran...can we have a talk?"

"Sure, of course, Sakura. Anything you want."

"Good, let's go to the bedroom."

"But...I'm halfway done..." Syaoran paused when he saw Sakura started to glare.

"Done.With.What?" Sakura questioned pointedly.

"Cleaning it..."

"It...yes..._'it'_ is what I want to talk about."

Syaoran once again looked into his girlfriend's eyes, backing slowly away in caution. He knew she will bring it up one day. How could he be so naïve as to think she would close an eye to this? As he shrinks under Sakura's glare, he started to realize work should never be brought home.

Because incurring the wrath of Sakura is a very foolish thing to do indeed.

He thinks maybe he should bring his precious Thescelosaurus's bones back to the laboratory...

It's much safer to leave it there.


	8. Chapter 8

**Author's Notes:**

I take it that I would have to beg for reviews before some readers would be enthusiastic enough to leave one. So here goes - 'Please leave me a review because I am a review whore!' How does that sound?

Nah...it's actually fine if you don't leave a review but I would love some comments on what you do or do not like about my story. I noticed there were a lot of hits and it saddens me to see more than half of the readers giving up the story before chapter 2. There must be something that I am doing wrong here...so let me know.

I will spare you my hysterics due to the lack of reviews for this story and on with the chapter...

_Is it my shadows underneath those layers of glass?_

_Has it always been so shattered and broken?_

_I didn't make a sound and I do not cry _

_Because there's never anyone around,_

_So I dissipate in silence _

_Without anyone's knowledge_

_So don't let your heart ache for someone like me_

_I've always been lonely, _

_It would make no difference _

_Even if you choose to leave,_

_You are just one of the many..._

_- Cattyfuzzy_

**The Continuality of Existence **

**Chapter 8**

Yuuko raised her hand up to catch the attention of the bartender. She ordered her usual shot of whiskey and continued to wait. She looked across the bar and saw an interested pair of eyes looking back at her. The boy was young. Might be fun, she thought deviously in the back of her mind.

She acknowledged his interest and flirted back shamelessly. The attention soothes her already battered ego and tender feelings. Sometimes, she desperately wants to escape this life and exist without all these responsibilities that she had come to inherit from her life. She wanted to be young again and experience life like how one would before getting corrupted by greed and ambitions.

She smiled as the boy walked over. He really is young...maybe around 25 or 26. She watched him closed the distance and lighted her cigarette.

"Hi. Mind if I join you?" the boy asked. His voice smoky, confident and cocky, guess he was not so much of a boy than...She likes him immediately. His looks weren't outstanding but he has an edge to him, behaved as if danger was his best friend. The short cropped, jet black hair was tousled as if he just stepped out from bed, his eyes although relaxed and smiling was observant to a fault, the lines of his full lips were hard and a scar adorned the corner of it. Yuuko noticed the trail of a tattoo extending from under his collar as he leaned closer to her. She recognizes the insignia.

Yakuza...Yamaguchi-Gumi.

"I'm alone tonight." Yuuko answered her brains working fast and hard, trying to remember if they had met anywhere before. She couldn't identify him at all.

Maybe he was just one of the foot soldiers of the bigger boys sitting above.

Maybe he's safe to use as a distraction.

"My name's Gin Tsukasa. What's yours?"

Yuuko registered the name...Tsukasa...not so safe after all. The surname belonged unmistakably to the leading kumicho's. It was not a name to be taken lightly.

"Yuuko." She answered simply.

"......That's it?" Gin replied quirking an eyebrow.

"Is it necessary for you to know more?"

Gin laughed. The woman is indeed interesting. He spotted her a few nights ago when he made his first visit to this club. He could tell she was different from the other women, mature, elegant and more sophisticated. She doesn't even bother to act coy, get all giggly or make loud comments to signify her importance. She met his eyes straight on and showed no signs of hesitation. Gin likes his woman assertive and independent. They clicked easily after their short introduction, their conversation undeterred by the loud booming music of the club.

Yuuko was enjoying herself so much with Gin that she hardly noticed Kurogane's presence. It wasn't until he interrupted her by positioning his body rudely in between them that she saw him.

Gin took offense and immediately tensed up. He placed his drink on the counter and prepared himself for a confrontation. He was not someone who appreciates being walked over like that. There are consequences to be suffered.

"I see you're enjoying yourself tonight, you could have send me a text and told me not to come." Kurogane said without a trace of anger in his voice. He couldn't fake it if he wanted to because he wasn't angry with Yuuko at all. He was just annoyed that he had to stick to their appointment when Fay wasn't feeling very well. He was still running a fever when he left the apartment.

Yuuko tried not to feel hurt when she sensed no heat in his words.

"Who're you?" the tone was curt and clipped, Gin tilted his head up and tried to look down the red eye man with hooded lids.

"Just a friend if you'll excuse me." Kurogane answered in an extremely condescending tone. He loathed street punks like the one standing infront of him with a vengeance. Call him snobbish but he saw no point in their existence when all they do is look for trouble and disrupt other civilians' lives.

"Kurogane...Gin is an important friend of mine. It would be better to remain on cordial terms with him." Yuuko said knowing Kurogane would catch her drift.

He did.

"In that case, we'll talk some other time." He nodded briefly at Gin who was accessing him with narrowed eyes and than a brief peck on the cheek for Yuuko before he took his leave. Gin turned to look at Yuuko and saw her hide away the hurt. He guessed easily what the man meant to her than.

"Sorry...I didn't know you're attached." He said in an apologetic tone.

"We're not official."

Gin threw her a quizzical look before nodding his head in vague understanding. The lady was obviously heartbroken. Some fun was in order...

"So...wanna go somewhere else?" Gin asked with a playful grin.

"What do you have in mind?" Yuuko asked

"Ever heard of Tokyo Drift?" he asked as he flashed a lop-sided smirk. Yuuko's eyes widen in surprise and she followed Gin immediately out of the club...Kurogane's cold attitude forgotten for the time being.

ooooooooooooooooooooo

Kurogane wasn't sure if that streak of emotion he felt was jealousy but it sure wasn't nice to feel it. It must be his pride acting up again, he didn't like it one bit that someone else could hold Yuuko's attention more raptly than him. But who was he to lay claim and feel like this towards anyone? He couldn't even comprehend how he really feels or want right now.

His 'neither here or there' relationship with Yuuko has been hanging by a thread for too long with no definition. He thinks he should leave her. He didn't love her and she was not a free woman to be with in the first place, and he will never be the one to break those invisible chains that tied her to that man.

Theirs' was just a fling now overdue.

He has never felt more confused in his whole life. The thoughts of the blonde now haunt him day and night. His dreams were restless and left him feeling unsatisfied when awake, with the blonde so close when he's at home, the feeling seems very much like a self-imposed torment. The transition of his desires from the female species to a male is still hugely shocking. He never thought he had that kind of tendencies before. He had even taken to visiting host clubs to confirm the fact and the results of his little 'experiments' befuddled him. None of the men there attracts him but when he comes home and sees Fay, it felt like every nerve in his body went haywire. His body reacted to every single motion made by the blonde. At times, he simply felt that he was going insane just trying to restrain himself from running his fingers along pale, creamy skin and soft golden blonde hair.

He parked his car and waited for the lift anxiously at the lobby, guilt lurking at the fringes of his heart. He left a man high with fever at home to seek a pleasure that his body no longer needs...how irresponsible can he get? He headed straight to the kitchen to reheat the food he bought from the restaurant before heading home, he hoped the soup and Chinese congee could whet up the blonde's appetite. Fay mentioned Rayne used to buy him Chinese take outs when he was sick back in Florida. He mixed the thick gruel around the bowl, scrunched his nose at the strong scent of parsley bits and dumped half a teaspoon of soy sauce into it hoping that it would make that blend concoction taste better. He balanced both bowls on the tray as he made his way into Fay's room.

He found the man awake but moaning feverishly, his forehead covered in a light sheen of sweat. He placed the tray of food on the side table and reached for the towel he had placed there earlier. He moved over Fay and lightly pressed the towel on his forehead, glazed blue eyes bright with heat look dazedly at him.

"Are you feeling good enough to eat?" he asked hesitantly.

Fay gave a weak nod and shifted so that he could lean comfortably on the bed frame. Kurogane retrieved the tray and placed it carefully on Fay's lap.

"Sorry..."

Fay looked up at the red eye man and wondered what exactly he was sorry about...and than briefly remembered how he was doused with icy cold water after a particularly bad nightmare.

"It's fine." He managed weakly before slumping back against the frame of the bed, energy drained out of him again. He could barely feel the spoon in his fingers until it slipped away and landed with a dull clang on the plastic tray. Kurogane moved forward without a word and picked up the spoon. He scooped up a small serving on the spoon and blew on it before placing it infront of Fay's mouth, waiting for him to take a sip.

"Are you alright if I help?" Kurogane asked when Fay leaned further back and turned away slightly "you obviously have difficulty eating by yourself."

"I've been through worse." Fay replied simply.

"Fine...suit yourself than." Kurogane answered as he placed the spoon back into the bowl, his jaw clenched tight with irritation "remember to take your medication." He continued before walking out of the bedroom.

Fay watched him leave and breathe out heavily. The tension was back in a snap and they weren't even fighting about anything. What is it that keeps them from maintaining a cordial relationship? He adjusted the pillow to make himself comfortable and tried to fight the waves of giddiness attacking him. He waited for that feeling to pass and managed to consume half the bowl of congee before his stomach churned again. He hurried to place the tray properly on the bed before struggling off the bed and went as fast as he could in his condition to the bathroom. He reached it just in time to hurl his dinner down the toilet bowl and he continued retching even after his stomach was emptied. He felt a warm hand soothing his back and fingers holding his hair back from his face. Unconsciously, he leaned back into the strong hand supporting him from behind.

Kurogane had rushed into the room immediately once he heard the retching start. Maybe he should consider bringing the blonde to the hospital instead. He reached for the tissue placed over the sink and passed a few pieces to Fay to clean himself.

"I think we should go to the hospital. The medical from the family doctor doesn't seem to be helping you at all." Kurogane said.

"I already told you I don't need a doctor...the fever will break soon." Fay panted out as he clenched at his sore side, strained from the force of his gastric purges.

Kurogane narrowed his eyes as realization dawned on him, mere irritation now shot up to pure rage. He stood up abruptly and went to the bedside table, rummaging through the drawers. When he didn't find what he was looking for, he attacked the dresser's drawers.

The sachets of pills sat quietly in the corner of the last drawer, untouched. He grabbed them, strode back to the bathroom and flung them infront of Fay.

Blue eyes just stared vacantly at the scattered sachets.

"Is this how you treat yourself after everything Rayne gave you?" Kurogane asked. He was disappointed with the blonde's lack of self preservation. So much work, effort, care and respect has been given to him and the man won't even bother to try and take care of himself from such a small illness!

"I'm tired." Fay replied. Kurogane's angry words always stings, makes him feel weary of him. He has keen perceptiveness but he doesn't understand. Nobody will.

"Stop running, Fay." Kurogane said as he collected the pills from the floor and his anger as well. It was going to be a moot point he will be making if he allowed his temper to get the better of him "if you don't want me to bring you to the hospital than take the medicine."

The blonde stubbornly look away.

Kurogane gather the pills in one hand and calmly reached out for Fay's chin with the other. The blonde gasped in surprise at the iron tight grip when Kurogane's stance looked so relaxed. He had underestimated how well Kurogane could control his stormy dark rage.

"Take you medicine or I will force it down your throat somehow." That deep calm voice said, tremors of anger flittered out, barely noticeable if you don't know the man well. Fay knew that complying would be his best option at this moment. He opened his mouth and Kurogane feed his the pills before handing him a glass of water he somehow managed to get in the middle of their minor verbal scuffle. Kurogane kept his grip until he was sure Fay swallowed everything.

"Satisfied?" Fay asked in a resentful tone that complements the bitter taste of bile and medicine in his mouth. Strangely, his skin seemed to immediately protest to the absence of warm fingers on his chin when Kurogane let go to stand up.

"Go back to bed and finish the soup. You still need something to calm your stomach down."

Fay stood up against the wall only to falter again when he attempted to move away from it. Kurogane moved forward and grasped his arm and he felt Fay freeze up like he knew he would.

"I will never touch you that way. Haven't I proved that much?" he said gently.

_'I'm not that kind of monster...don't put me together with him or them. Not you.' _

He watched Fay think over his words and felt that slender body relaxed again. He wondered to as to why he always got the worst reaction when he grips his arms. He has a suspicion though and he doesn't want to explore that thought. He pulled the blonde closer supporting him with a strong arm across his waist. Fay was still uncomfortable held within such close proximity but at least he allowed that much of his help.

He laid him down on the bed and settled him in a sitting position, picking up the bowl of soup from the tray he resumed his position beside the frail man.

"Drink up now." He said as he held the spoon, this time there was no refusing him.

Fay looked at the spoon held out infront of him and than to those crimson eyes full of iron resolved. He knows his stubborn refusals could never compete with that. In fact, they are just as stubborn as each other. They just show it in different ways.

He took a sip and grimaced.

"The soup's cold."

Kurogane frowned, took a sip himself, made a face and raised an eyebrow that said 'what the hell else do you expect me to do?' look at the blonde man.

oooooooooooooooooooooooo

Kurogane hung up the phone with a heavy sigh. At least he had a positive outcome with regards to U Inc's contract. He managed to dig out some damaging dirt on Hops & Co. He knew they couldn't be trustworthy to offer Kenji-san such an amount that far above market rates. Maybe he should enlist the help of those private investigators more often. They got Hops & Co dirtiest secrets in a span of seventy-two hours and he knew there and than that those men were not people you would like to offend. Not that he has much dirty laundry to hide though but you never know what will happen in the future. Anything could be used against you if someone is intent on screwing you up big time.

He glanced in the direction of Fay's bedroom, his thoughts distracted once again. He walked towards the blonde's bedroom and noticed he was still asleep. The medication he forced him to take was doing its job. He sat down by the couch beside it and watched the blonde sleep, admiring the pale fine features he normally would not have the opportunity to. The past few days have actually confirmed his heart's desires and he knows that feeling have to be faced head on by himself.

He has indeed irrevocably fallen in love with the blonde. The confusion and fear was gone, replacing it was a feeling of apprehension and the complete knowledge that this feeling of his may never be returned. He moved from the couch onto the bed and let his fingers caressed those stray strands of golden blonde spread out on the pillow. He is so beautiful...so conflicted. He just wanted to be there for him and it gets frustrating when the blonde tries to push him away. What was it about him that made the blonde react like this towards him?

He leaned further forward and gently brushed his knuckles against pale blonde lashes, watching them flutter slightly before coming to a rest again. Unconsciously, he let his fingers slide down smooth cheeks and left them lingering at the soft curve of lips, pink from the heat of fever, gentle warm breathes teasing the skin of his fingers. He didn't realize he was staring at the blonde until the doorbell rang, startling him from his entrancement.

He thought of ignoring the doorbell since if that someone does not have the key to his apartment, they probably aren't important enough for him to bother with.

The doorbell just won't stop ringing. It irked him to know that anyone could be that persistent.

"What the hell..." he muttered under his breath as he left the bed reluctantly and stomped to the door.

Fay slowly opened his eyes when he felt the weight from the corner of his bed lifted and the palpitations of his heart beat thundered in his chest. Did he want to believe what he just felt or would he prefer to categorize it in the back of his mind as a delusion suffered in the heat of fever? But he still felt the traces of lingering warmth of Kurogane's calloused fingers. Warmth that deluded him into feeling safe for the moment until other memories tore through and left him feeling sick and disgusted instead. Was he doomed and cursed to lead men onto the path of darkness? He fears that what he has been suspecting for the past few weeks is true and the knowledge that Kurogane will never do anything to hurt him does not help quell the panic building within him.

"Hi." The stoic irritable man standing infront of his door greeted him. He couldn't have felt any better if he got to slam the door in the man's face at that moment.

"Why are you here?" Kurogane asked with a tone that was as unfriendly as it got. He could tolerate the man during those consultations but anywhere else would be a different reason. Right now, the doctor has no right to be intruding on his property or be interrupting him when he is on leave.

"I believe I have the right to visit my patient? How is he doing? I bought some fruits and sweets from the patisserie across the street."

"He doesn't need these...actually, he's sleeping right now and I prefer that he is not disturbed."

Ashura's eyebrows quirked up amused.

"Aren't you violating his rights when you don't even allow a friendly visit from his own psychiatrist?" Ashura said enjoying riling the red eye man into exposing his own feelings unknowingly. He noted the possessiveness in his tone, a tinge of jealousy tinting his voice. How strange that he harbor these feelings...does he even need to guess for who and why?

Kurogane bite down and refrained from making any reply because as civilized and educated as he is, he was not beyond throwing a punch at this humongous irritant standing infront of him. He stepped to the side and waved the psychiatrist in.

"Where is he?"

"In the bedroom, sleeping. Give me a moment. I will go wake him up." Kurogane said before turning down the hallway.

Fay tried to get up when he heard Kurogane's returning footsteps. He had heard Ashura's arrival and couldn't help but smile at their exchange. He got up on wobbly feet and bent down a bit to balance himself on the bedside table with a hand.

"Shouldn't you be in bed?"

Kurogane's voice came from right behind him. He turned his head to see a worried frown on a familiar face.

"I'm just having a fever I'm not invalid, Kuro-san." Fay replied.

"Just don't want you straining yourself." Kurogane said as he moved a step closer, closer to the pale slender body infront of him. He lifted a hand and tried to help the blonde while cursing at his weakening resolve to keep away from him.

Fay tensed as he felt the heat of his body so near his bare back.

"Isn't Ashura here? I should go out and meet him." Fay said as he edged away from the bedside table and flinched away when Kurogane reached out to help him "I said I'm not an invalid."

Kurogane let his hand fall from Fay's elbow

"I'll be outside." He said as he straightens up and left the room.

Ashura had already gotten comfortable on the couch fidgeting with the remote control. Kurogane's nerves twitched.

_'Does this guy even understand the meaning of propriety?' _

"You have a nice apartment." Ashura stated

"Hn..." Kurogane granted a reply.

"How's everything?"

"Fine..."

"Do I offend you?" Ashura asked.

"..."

"..."

"I just want you to know that as Fay's guardian, I have every right to ask that you maintain the relationship on a professional level."

"Shouldn't this question be directed at yourself more? Do you dislike me because you know that I know?" Ashura asked.

"Know what?" Fay's voice came from down the hallway.

Kurogane startled at the voice and hoped that Fay hadn't caught on enough to know what the conversation was about.

"Nothing, we were just discussing about what Ashura did during your last consultation. He's not supposed to hypnotize you when I am not around." Kurogane said as he threw a sharp glare in Ashura's direction.

"If Fay does not oppose what I do, I supposed it should be fine."

"I thought we are over this? I already said it's fine as long as it doesn't happen again." Fay said as he walked wobbly along the hallway.

Kurogane stood to help Fay but Ashura was faster and in a blink of an eye, his arm was already around the blonde's slender waist. Kurogane gritted his teeth as he noticed how comfortable Fay seemed to be in his hold. A streak of fire ran through his being and he strode over immediately to take over, pushing Ashura's hand aside and telling him that he will be taking over from here. The stoic man gave a quirk of his lips at the way Kurogane acts possessive...as if Fay was his...significant other.

Fay turned as he felt the familiar warmth by his side again, his body seeking out the comforting source of warmth unwittingly. He felt a little embarrassed, a little angry and a little disgusted at how his body reacts to the man's closeness. This was something he hadn't picked up on...when did it happen? Still, Kurogane's rude rebuttal of Ashura's assistance was awfully rude. He threw the red eye man a silent berating with his eyes.

"Go take a sit..." Kurogane said gently, choosing to ignore Fay's lamentation.

Ashura only took quiet notice of that indefinable tension radiating from both men and kept his silence.

Oooooooooooooooooooooooo

Kurogane scowled and pressed the bridge of his nose in a useless attempt to ease the dull throb in his head. How could that boy make so much noise and why does everyone choose to visit on the same day? He looked at the small crowd by Fay's bed and wonder if he should order them out because he could tell Fay was obviously tired, yet too polite to say it.

The other blue eye boy was still talking at the top of his voice, gesturing animatedly as he described the events at school during the past few days and plunking copious amount of notes onto the bed. The other boy who still hasn't spoken yet only nodded agreeably to whatever he was saying, gracing an occasional grunt in reply. Kurogane couldn't help but noticed how the taller boy constantly let his hand roamed across the back of the blue eye boy. He also couldn't help noticing how discreet caresses were returned. He didn't know that Fay's friends were gay...he didn't think Fay would be able to accept this kind of relationship considering his past.

He just felt vague relief at that simple knowledge.

Sakura was sitting by the side of Fay's pillow and looking very amused at the blue eye boy, Watanuki. He was indeed an interesting character, bright and cheerful, so unlike the other blue eye boy she knew. His boyfriend was different though, exuding calm and looking compose at all times with a hint of cherry blossom incense lingering around him. They made such a lovely couple and Sakura wonders for a while on Fay's sexual orientation. It shouldn't be a surprise that he is gay, isn't it? She never heard him expressed an actual interest in girls. Although he did ask her something regarding love, he never did tell her the real reason for his curiosity. She couldn't help but feel a bit offended to think that Fay would be worried about confessing his sexual orientation to her. Weren't they friends? But every one needs a little privacy now and than, she could understand that.

She looked over to her employer grouching on the couch and acting like a total anti socializing hermit and caught his eyes, signaling him to come join in their conversation. He shook his head and tapped the watch he was wearing on his wrist, hinting to her that it was time for Fay to have a rest. She nodded her head and politely enquired if Fay was tired, grateful for her subtle interruption, Fay fall back onto the pillow to rest.

Watanuki and Doumeki said their goodbyes and left, conveying their apologies to the host of the apartment.

"Hey..." Watanuki said as he nudged Doumeki on the side.

"Nn...." Doumeki grunted.

"Do you think there's something going on between Daniel and that guy?"

"Mind your own business."

"But..." Watanuki paused "I really felt something between them? Didn't you see it...or feel it? Aren't you normally the more perceptive one?"

"Maybe...but they are too formal with each other." Doumeki replied. It was true what his lover had said, he saw it too. Smoldering crimson eyes, weigh with concern and worry was focused on the blonde, it was a feeling Doumeki could relate to. There was a time before Watanuki was officially his when he would look at the blue eye boy this way too. It was not a pleasant thing to experience, when one is full of doubt...unsure of where one stands and without an idea on how to handle the feelings that was encumbered upon one's heart involuntarily.

He wonders how long would it take the red eye man to overcome this...


	9. Chapter 9

**Author's note: **

Back on a roll! I wanted to target one chapter every two weeks but I guess that's too demanding of myself since I have a busy work schedule...So Chapter 9 is here! I hope you guys enjoy it!

A thousand grateful thanks to everyone who left me an encouraging review...I apologize for being such a whiner. But I will work harder to gain the acknowledgement of the readers here on FFN!

This chapter is partly inspired by The Blower's Daughter - Damien Rice and Back to You - John Mayer

oOooOo

_Like the lonely planets that circle each other _

_Their waning moons that pull and seek_

_Where stars float by the supernovas unnoticed_

_The birth of evening stars along the Milky Way _

_Never crossing each other's paths _

_Much like us as we brushed by_

_Lost chances and wretched fates_

- _Cattyfuzzy_

**The Continuality of Existence **

**Chapter 9**

Fay sat in Kurogane's study room still trying to sort out the notes from the classes he had missed. It was tiring to say the least, but he loves art and studying its history should be a part of it he should encompass. He stretched lazily and gave a loud yawn. It was late and Kurogane still wasn't home. Which was better that way, he gets to use the study room a little bit longer. He let his toes wriggle in the stumpy soft hair of Manju, seeking the warmth there at the same time.

Kurogane...the man seems to have a knack for making people develop a sort of reliance towards him. Slowly, the red eye man was making himself indispensable in his daily life. He took care of everything for him. When he fell sick, he made sure that he had enough rest and time alone. Kurogane's vigilance in ensuring that he consumes his medication was something he couldn't take though. He hates those little colorful pills. They reminded him of the medication he was forced to take when he was in prison being treated for depression. That only succeeded in making him more depressed.

He tried not to think about it but it was starting to feel strange without the man constantly watching over him. It was suffocating at first...irritating at best and later downright horrifying to discover that Kurogane did feel something more platonic towards him. And Fay had never felt so much warmth before...never felt so shaken and safe at the same time. It was starting to feel like he was drowning in an unknown substance and he was flailing desperately to get out...yet at the same time, he felt like he was another entity watching himself struggling in that substance. Hoping that he doesn't get pulled underneath with it because he was sure he would never surface from within again.

He was so engrossed in his thoughts that he failed to hear the key turning at the door.

Kurogane stepped into the apartment and found the heater set at the lower end again. He gave a soft sigh and wondered how sick is the blonde supposed to get before he learns. He hung his coat back onto the coat hanger and headed towards the bedroom. He stuck his head into the blonde's bedroom and was immediately struck with a sense of déjà vu. The familiar fear of the blonde running off and disappearing just like that rainy night always came back to him when he comes back to an empty home. He panicked momentarily before he noticed the flood of warm evening light at the corner of his eye.

He stepped into his bedroom and was awarded with the sight of Fay seated in his swivel stool, back hunched over the table attention completely on his textbooks. His flaxen strands of silky hair bobbing infront of his face, the movement prompted by the strength of his hold on his pen. Kurogane could hear the scribble of it on the rough paper of his notepad.

He stood there enjoying the sight of the blond so focused. The peace that was emanating from the blonde relaxes him. He descended the raised step that leads into the study and sat down waiting for Fay to notice him. Manju only gave him a lazy glance in his direction before cozying up to Fay's feet again. He felt a little betrayed by his dog as he looked at him, curled up at the blonde's feet and basking in the affection provided by the blonde's toes. He wagged a finger at Manju and narrowed his eyes. The dog started thumping his tail hard on the carpeted floor, still no reaction from Fay.

"Hey..." a familiar deep calming voice called out to him and Fay turned around in his chair to see Kurogane sitting by the small step, the proximity a bit too near to be of comfort. He's doing it very often now, always starting with little gestures and than moving in to see how far could he push into his personal space. It maddens him at first that the red eye man couldn't seem to understand the discomfort he felt, and than without knowing when, he started to accept those intrusions. He didn't want to give too much thought into that because he prefers to think that it would be normal for two person living together to get use to each other's presence.

"I didn't hear you come in..." Fay said as he glanced at the sleeping dog by his feet, wondering why Manju didn't bother to greet its master this evening.

"Apparently, he's perfectly content to just lay at your feet and sleep." Kurogane replied as he followed the blonde's gaze, guessing his thoughts at the same time.

"Haha...I guess so." Fay's mellowed tinkling voice answered "you're really late today..."

"The work's been piling up when I wasn't around." Kurogane replied hinting of the days he took off from work while Fay was laying sick at home.

"Sorry for the inconvenience." Fay said apologetically.

"Don't be. It's what I have to do." Kurogane answered matter-of-factly _'you're what's important to me' _"it's almost 2 am...."

"Just a little while more, I am finishing the last chapter." Fay said as his attention refocused on the densely gathered words on the textbook and Watanuki's almost illegible scrawl on the notes. Kurogane tried reading and gave up after three sentences when he felt like his eyes were about to cross each other.

"Can't you get notes from the other guy instead? Can you read anything he's written?" Kurogane commented casually.

"Doumeki doesn't take notes." Fay replied.

"He's one smart boy than."

"I heard from Watanuki that he's always in the top ten." Fay said.

"Why Art?" Kurogane asked as he reached past Fay to grab a leather bound book and flipped through the pages, admiring the paintings featured inside it.

"It gives me a peace of mind...it...allows me to be somewhere else." Fay tried explaining "every piece is an expression, honest and forthright. There're no complications because everything you do is a creation of that moment in life. Everything remains beautiful...if you want it to be." Fay paused as he looked at Kurogane, wondering if he understood his explanation.

Kurogane's heart clenched and twisted with anger and disappointment as the hidden meaning of the blonde's words started sinking in. Did he think he was sullied by his past and was seeking another outlet, another path of escapism? Was that why even after so many years down the road, he still couldn't get rid of his ghosts? Diversions...and distractions...all the blonde did in the end was to dodge his fears and find something else to focus on, numbing himself, running away the whole time, pretending that he is alright. He was still falling apart on the inside. Kurogane wasn't going to accept that because it would be futile no matter what he and Ashura did, just a waste of their time because for every ghost pulled from the recesses of the blonde's mind. Fay will suck it back in only to lock it up and put on his mask again. They would always return to square one, running after each other blindly in circles.

"That's a very interesting perspective." Kurogane said pushing his anger down. He should have expected as much. Fay noted the flash of anger in Kurogane's eyes and looked away. He wasn't sure what was it that he said that would have caused the red eye man to be annoyed.

"You should try painting sometimes...calms you down and clears your mind of everything else."

Kurogane nodded as he continued to browse through the book, a series of still life paintings caught his attention. Light strokes of the brush that gives the painting an air of realism, similar to a photo taken with low light lenses in day light. The lifelike portraits stood out above the rest, every day motions caught in time...a moment made immortal. He glanced at the artist's name, Claude Monet.

"I like his paintings..." Kurogane said as Fay glanced over at the book he was looking at.

"Monet...he's an impressionist painter, very well know for his _en plein air _techniques for painting." Fay explained as he looked at the red eye man's expression. He was clearly impressed with the works of Monet "I like him too...he sees things as it is. The subtle simplicity in his paintings showed the splendor of life without fanfare, and..."

"...how everything else that retains its beauty no matter what it has been through? Because no matter what is the story behind...people will only see what's on the surface. So you should stop living in the past..."Kurogane murmured as he gazed at Fay's cerulean eyes, beseeching the blonde to see who he really was. What he could be, hoping beyond hope that he will push down the barriers he had built around himself. The pair of soulful eyes that reflected his sadness was too much to bear. He broke the gaze abruptly, feeling as if he was taking a wild tumble in the air, ousted aside from the solid pavement he was standing on a moment ago.

"You read too much into it, he was merely showing his passion for painting." Fay said as he felt his throat getting constricted.

"Fay..." Kurogane called out, his voice transcending the unspeakable emotions he felt. The words that he wanted to say but never could condense into that fleeting heartbeat echoing through his being. The longing was so intense yet so achingly sweet at the same time.

"Don't...don't call my name." Fay pleaded, voice a soft whisper but the pain was evident. The normally deep calming voice calling his name with such longing threatens to break him. Why was he feeling this way? How could he be torn asunder with just a murmur of his name...from him? It was all too overwhelming. He stood and packed his books hurriedly...blindly, wanting to escape from the tidal waves of emotions crushing his way. A searing heat at his wrist stopped his frantic actions, he desperately jerked away only to be blocked by Kurogane's body.

Kurogane knew the blonde was trying to run again...he didn't know why but he thinks the running has to end.

Right now.

Without a second thought, he reached out and grabbed hold of the blonde's slim wrists. He wanted to see the blonde fight him this time instead of opting to take flight. He wasn't expecting the reaction he was to receive as the blonde jerked hard against his hold. So hard that if he was calm enough, he would have felt the slight tremors of his bones.

"Please...I won't hurt you...you know I won't do anything to hurt you...I won't hurt you." Kurogane whispered as he pulled the blonde into his body, enveloping him forcefully in his arms. He hissed as he felt the blonde's teeth sink into his shoulder, the piece of fabric on his body did nothing to soften the bite.

"Let me go!" The blonde cried as he released his hold on Kurogane's shoulder, his cry drawn out and choked full of tears. The fear kept locked within rose up again, paralyzing his weaken psyche. Kurogane only held him tighter, still whispering soothing words as if trying to pacify a child who woke up terrified from a bad dream...or someone who never woke up from one "let go...why do you do this to me every time? Let go..."

"I will if you do." Kurogane said firmly as hot tears dripped onto his shirt and sharp nails digging into his forearms "let go of the pain Fay...live again...stop fearing. They're gone...they're not coming back anymore."

"No...no...NO...LET ME GO!" Fay screamed "you don't know how it feels like to be me...you don't understand how it feels. This thing that eats at me all the time...these worms that I feel crawling inside out of me...you don't know and I hate you for it! I HATE YOU!" Fay continued, still trying to break away from Kurogane's iron grip.

"I don't know and I don't understand Fay...but I'm trying to." Kurogane paused for a while as he felt Fay's sobs break again "you have to let someone in and see what's going on inside you."

"I want to be alone...I want you to leave me alone." Fay cried shaking his head at the same time, rubbing his tear stained eyes against the soft cotton of Kurogane's shirt.

"I can't Fay...I can't...not anymore." Kurogane murmured as he loosen his hold on the blonde. Fay stopped struggling immediately and slide down to the floor to lean against the wall. The emotional storm his body just went through drained him thoroughly. The feel of Kurogane's arms around him scalding him like an acid burn.

"Why?" Fay whispered "why do you do this to me all the time?" Fay asked. Nobody...nobody had been able to leave him feeling so shattered before...not even that monster.

Kurogane breathed deeply and exhaled, shaking his head as he knelt down infront of the blonde.

"I don't know...I just don't know anymore..." Kurogane whispered his reply.

He really don't and now they seem worse off than before...because he had just shoved the both of them into a canyon's ravine that doesn't seems like it will ever bottom out...into a place where gravity doesn't withstand and holds nothing in place.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Yuuko laughed as her hair whipped about her in a frenzy, she had never felt so alive before. Gin laughed alongside her as he attempted to pull her down back to her seat of his Volkswagen convertible.

"It's fun...you should try it!" she said to him, eyes sparkling with excitement.

"When I'm not the one driving..." Gin replied with a grin on his face. Maybe he is being hasty but he thinks he is starting to fall in love with this incredible woman, and somehow...he thinks she might be the one. Despite the toughness she showed to others on the surface, underneath she kept her innocence and faith in a lock waiting for the right person to give the key to. He wants to gain her trust and be a part of her life.

He knows about the shackles the other man had on her but he is also familiar with the rules of the game. The guy with the bigger hand wins, there has never been a contest against this unwritten rule. No politician would want to have a connection to the Yakuza and he was sure that man would do anything to avoid an ugly situation. Gin only had to make sure that the dealings underneath the table stay a secret. If push comes to shove, blackmail works a miracle every time. He just wasn't sure if his old man would be pleased with his choice regarding his taste in women.

That was something else he would have to deal with at a later time.

Yuuko didn't answer as she turned back to face the wind, the scenery flew by the corner of her sight making everything a colorful blur. She thinks life is finally going to be good. Although the hurt from an unrequited love still stings at her heart, she thinks she will still be able to pick up the pieces. She wasn't that shattered since they never had a beginning.

Gin...things are different with him. He knows what he wants and more importantly...what _she _wants.

She never thought she would consider a younger man and especially not one who is so closely connected to the Tsukasa family. She also realized that the feelings she had for the red eye man was only a misplaced reliance...she was seeking love once again in all the wrong places. Yet it hurts...it hurts to know that he would never be hers.

She blinked her eyes as she remembered the conversation they had that night. The startling confession that he felt certain emotionsfor another _man_ shocked her to the core. Her mind immediately recollected the vague memory of the man he had rushed to look for on that rainy night. Was he the one? She has a sinking feeling that she guessed right. She had felt angry and betrayed initially. But things happened and it is obviously time for her to let go. Maybe it should be counted a blessing that she shares this same trait with Kurogane...the ability to move on and adapt to another situation as if it was their second nature.

"Hey...wanna go somewhere?"

"Where?" she asked her eyes sparkling and bright.

"If you've got time...it's a long way out from here." Gin winked at her "we've got to take the railway."

"Ok." Yuuko replied as she finally sat back down and allowed Gin to close the top of the car as the snow started falling. She watched the snow flakes land splat on the car's windscreen only to be swiped off with the wipers. Snow...they are so beautiful, lending a majestic feel to the scenery but in reality, they can be really messy. In their frozen form, they collect the debris and dirt and when they melt, turning the whole street black with it. Just like how life is...every one is born with a clean slate at the start and than every one grows into adultery. Sins that have been accumulated during one's lifespan spills out when one is near death. Death was another release from your sinful bonds. No body remembers the mistakes; they are automatically forgiven once one passes away. Gin maneuvered the car into the parking lot of a nearby service apartment and they walked the short way to the subway.

Yuuko followed demurely behind as she reached a shy hand towards Gin's. His clasp was firm and warm. His pull surprises her and his arm around her waist made her blush like a teenage girl. She felt that fluttering again and wondered if this time she would be lucky in love.

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

Ashura stared at Kurogane as if he hadn't seen him before...he wouldn't show it on his face of course...his expression was stoic as always.

"What?" Kurogane growled at him.

"Nothing...just wasn't expecting you to come alone. What's going on? Fay hasn't been coming in for a while now."

"It's only been a week. I needed to talk to you..."

"I need you to register than and pay for your sessions."

"I don't need long term therapy!" Kurogane bit out punctuating each word for emphasis.

"Then there's no talk."

"God you're such a bastard!"

"If I wasn't than I wouldn't charge you such an exorbitant amount for Fay's sessions."

"What the hell?"

"Just kidding..."

"What are you? Twelve?"

"What do you want to talk about? I will do you a favor."

"Get off your high horse for once." Kurogane sniped at him feathers thoroughly ruffled "it's important."

"And what would that be about?"

"I need help with Fay. Maybe he needs to be admitted."

Ashura kept quiet and suppressed his surprise. He thought Fay was doing well the past few months and he was looking forward to ending his consultations soon. He hazarded a guess as to what might have caused the red eye man to show such anxiety before him.

"What happened?" he asked quietly.

Kurogane narrowed his eyes, not sure if he should continue and allow Ashura to be privy to what had happened. But Fay's mental physic was not something he could handle alone without professional help. Berating himself inwardly for his total lack of control that night, he grimly repeated what transpired that night.

"I think Fay is stronger than that. You have to trust him. He has come a long way from where he used to be...and what he used to be." Ashura said.

"He hasn't spoken to me for the whole week. He attends his classes and still meets his friends, like normal...he just shuts down when he's home."

"That's what I meant. He's already gotten over the shock of it. He's only avoiding you."

"Avoiding me?" Kurogane asked parroting Ashura's words.

"I presumed that is the case."

"Are you suggesting that I wait for him to sort through this himself and than decide what's really going on with him?"

"You could put it this way." Ashura answered.

Kurogane sat back into the chair as he pondered on Ashura's remarks. Yet, Fay's silence at home was too much for him. He needs to know what is going on in the blonde's mind before everything is too late. He had a hunch that the blonde was layering his masks to hide the turmoil within.

"No, I will have him admitted for a few days. It's better that he's kept under observation."

Ashura silently nodded his head and said: "You can bring him in anytime than, I will inform the head nurse about it."

Kurogane nodded his thanks before exiting Ashura's office. It did not bring him much ease because he knows Fay would most likely not react well to his decision. It is better this way...he needed some distance away from Fay, even a few days might do good. The blonde is fast becoming his biggest weakness and it was getting harder and harder to fight himself.

"It will be better if you were the one to inform him of this. I don't think he wants to speak to me right now." Kurogane said as a parting remark before the door closes with a muffled click.

Ashura hoped that was true because Kurogane seemed to be missing the fact that Fay hasn't spoken to him too for the past week.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Fay arrived home and with a heavy heart pushed open the door, glad for the fact that Kurogane wasn't at home at the moment. Ever since that night, he took great pains to avoid meeting the red eye man face to face. It wasn't the awkwardness of knowing how the red eye man felt towards him that kept him from crossing his path. It was the deep primal fear that has been instilled within him from past experiences that had him scrambling for an escape, even though his skin still remembers the searing heat of the red eye man.

In his pocket, he felt the low buzz of the vibration from his mobile. He rummaged the deep pocket of his bag for his mobile and was surprised to see his psychiatrist's number on the screen.

"Hello...?"

"Evening Fay, are you home?"

"Yes."

"Well, I am glad that you've now stopped avoiding me."

"..."

"I spoke to Kurogane this afternoon."

The information was a bolt from the blue for Fay, his eyes widen slightly and he asked cautiously what they spoke about.

"I would like to hear it from you first before I go into further explanations." Ashura requested from the other end of the line.

"Another argument...that's all." Fay answered.

"Is there all there is to it? Are you fine?" Ashura asked and waited for the long pause to end. Faint rustling of fabric before a loud clang of keys against a metal door was heard. Than a hastily muttered '_hang on for a second_'' before hearing the dull thud of a bag hitting the floor and Fay was back on the line.

"You were saying?" Fay asked again wanting Ashura to ask him something else. It wasn't that he didn't catch what Ashura was saying. It was getting tiresome that everyone is asking him the same question over and over. _'Are you fine?' _...that was it. He _is_ fine...isn't he still standing...all flesh and blood...and living? _What wasn't fine? _Why can't they ask a different question? He had a past that broke him but he's not going to let that conquer him. Didn't he show as much? Didn't anyone realize that within the few months that he was in Japan, he had changed? No doubt not many of his acquaintances knew about his dark past but surely he no longer appeared as weak as he was when he first arrived?

He was still Fay but yet he wasn't.

"You didn't come for any of your sessions this week. Kurogane came by and spoke to me about it." Ashura stated quietly.

"He doesn't have to make such a big deal out of everything." Fay said.

"If you haven't realized...he's always careful when it comes to you and you're as fragile as you can be when you're around him."

Fay froze as he registered the words Ashura was saying. What was he implying?

"I don't know what's going on anymore...I think I'm terrified of him yet at the same time...he makes me feel safe." Fay said _'...and he makes my heart hurt so much too but I can't let go when he comes near me. I don't know what's happening to me and maybe I'm sicker than I thought I was.'_ He continued without saying out loud.

"He wants me to check with you if you wanted to be admitted for a few days here." Ashura said and than pause before continuing. He wasn't sure if he should say but it seems there's more harm done if he allowed things to stew between the two men "maybe I'm crossing the line here but both of you will have to admit that there is something more going on..."

"Why...? What makes you say that?"

"Don't you think his concern towards you is much more than what a friend could give?"

Fay kept quiet, not knowing what to say at the moment. He knows Ashura wasn't being nosy and that he knows best because of what he does. But...is it what all this is about? That despite himself he had unwittingly fallen for a man? That they had by some twisted hand of fate managed to fall in...to feel for each other? He wonders sardonically if he should be kept in an asylum because he is really out of his mind and totally twisted to harbor such feelings. It is too confusing. Everything turns upside down when he thinks about the red eye man.

"Tell me...how would you feel if I told you that I want you?"

Fay froze up immediately.

"Stop saying things like that, you're my doctor."

"I need to know how it feels to hear it from me."

"..."

"You said I'm your doctor, so feel safe to be honest with me."

"Why state the obvious when you already know better?" Fay replied.

Ashura sigh...yes, he definitely knows better so why ask? He couldn't deny that there was some truth in his words though.

"Fair enough...so would you like to stay for a few days just to let things settle?" Ashura asked testing the water. He could feel that the blonde was processing the thought and weighing the consequences.

"No. I think I want to speak to him personally. He's right...I have to stop running. He has to stop thinking that I will fall apart every time something like this happens."

Ashura jolted with a simple realization that Fay was not as adverse towards physical contact as he thought he might be. This piqued his curiosity.

"What do you feel than?

He felt Fay hesitate and the dread to answer his question.

Another long pause and a deep breathe before the blonde spoke again.

"There's heat...unbearable heat and...there's this tumbling within me that I can't stop...but once he leaves me alone...I feel...alone...wanting more..." Fay said "you know...I think something is deeply wrong with me...hahaha...I...I feel this way for a man even when I...I have been..." Fay stopped and Ashura thought he heard a soft choke and a soft bitter laugh.

"Fay...don't go there anymore than you need to." Ashura pleaded he doesn't want the blonde to think that he a reprobate. He isn't innocence either but he wasn't a criminal just a victim of circumstances "remember, you never asked for all those things that happened."

"But..."

"Listen to me...you can't hold on to everything and if you must hold on to something...look forward and grab hold of what's coming for you. Remember what Rayne said to you?"

"Forget my past...there's still plenty for me to live for..."

"Yes...hold on to that thought instead. There's nothing wrong with listening to your heart and to not feel guilty for...wanting something that make you happy."

Fay nodded silently at those words...they have been repeat countless times before and he wonders why does he finds it so hard to adhere it to his life.

"Look...it's pretty late now so we will talk again. I think you really are doing fine and let him know that you feel better at home instead of in the hospital. I will resume your sessions when you want to, alright?"

"Thanks..." Fay whispered as he heard the dull tone of a dead line ringing through his ears.

TBC

**End of us...**

Kurogane stared at the shot-glass sitting in his hands, wiping the condensation as if he was wiping off the cold sweat that was starting to gather on his forehead. He wasn't sure he could do this and he feels like a bastard for wanting it. But dilly dallying won't make anything better and relationships are just too complex if left to stew on their own. He sees no other way out. He waited for another 20 minutes before he spotted the familiar shapely figure walking towards him. He managed a distraught smile and does not bother with the customary kiss he used to give her.

Yuuko frowned when she sensed the distance. Her heart faltered as she felt a deep foreboding suddenly she wished she wasn't here at all. She knows what he's going to say.

"You wanted to talk?" She asked.

"Yeah..."

Yuuko took a seat on the tall designer stools and felt it teetering on its stand. Kurogane reached out to steady her by her elbow and she almost...almost laughed at how foreign the touch feels. No longer warm or soothing, just another human offering a kind gesture. Was this how it feels when your mind starts to detach its affection towards someone else?

"Tell me straight Ryuken...if you can't spare me the heartache." She said with a wry smile.

Kurogane looked at her wide-eyed. She hasn't called him by his family name for a very long time. He looked at her and rubbed his palm along her forearm, hesitating, wondering if he would ever be able to push those painful words out of his mouth. She looked so vulnerable and for the first time, Kurogane could see clearly the tiny lines at the corner of her eyes. The façade of her as an ambitious high flyer peeling away, revealing the young woman beneath. A young woman waiting for love and having that dream grabbed from the sky and crushed.

By him of all people. The meaning of the painting hanging in her bedroom and the semblance to her situation now hitting him fully...and that was more suffocating than the smoke hanging thick in the air they were breathing.

"Yuuko...I..." he paused "I can't continue this anymore..."

Yuuko blinked her eyes. The meaning of the words driving sharply into her chest and her heart ceased beating for a moment before the pain arrives. Still she maintained her smile though her vision blurred for a moment before clearing. She swallowed hard, glad that she managed to keep her tears at bay.

All the preparation she has been giving herself...it does nothing to lessen the pain of the fact that she has to return to reality. She has been dreaming long enough. It would be selfish of her to hang on to someone who could never love her the way she wanted.

But she couldn't help feeling betrayed...couldn't help the bitter bile from rising and the angry jealousy she felt towards the stranger that now holds Kurogane's heart.

"Who is she?"

"...it's him...not her..."

"Do I know him than?"

"He doesn't belong in your world...or mine for that matter."

Yuuko sucked in another breathe and gripped the edge of the bar counter. Not in their world...some innocent than. How lucky...just his luck to get a man who was too independent to tie down.

"He needs a rock, Kurogane...not a fucking iceberg that will drift away when things get too hot to handle."

Kurogane backed off as he heard those stinging words, his hand dropping away from Yuuko's arm as if they had touched hot coals. He hadn't expected her anger and retaliated with his own.

"I love your metaphors Yuuko, but you don't know me that well after all." He said in an almost snarl.

Yuuko glared at him and her tears breeched the walls she'd raised against her heartache earlier on...running hot down her cheeks. Sadness took over her anger just as fast. She deflated immediately, deciding that their last meeting shouldn't be marred with ugliness. There wasn't much point in venting them now.

Kurogane reached out to wipe her tears, a guilt ridden gesture that couldn't convey his apologies enough.

"Would you still be with me if he never appeared?" she asked resigning to her fate. She picked at her cigarettes without the intention to smoke any, only wanting to find something to distract herself with.

"Yes...maybe..." Kurogane sighed "you know we'll never last Yuuko. Even if he's not in the picture...we'll end sooner or later."

"You are serious about him than?" she asked.

Kurogane didn't answer but the faraway look in his eyes caught her off guard. The softening edges of his eyes and the tenderness when he thinks about that person killed her hopes completely. There was nothing she could do to win back those affections.

Do you love him?"

His silence told her so much more than what she needed to know...and just like that she understood that whatever they had was gone. Someone else has replaced her...

"I...I don't know. All I know is...when he's not around, it's painful to even breathe.'

"I guess that's love for you." Yuuko said. The admittance from him cuts deep into her heart, a paralyzing pain that squeezes all the air out of her chest.

"I'm sorry..." Kurogane said as he lifted his glass and down his whisky in one shot. The burn in his throat cuts off the guilty relief he felt when he finally told Yuuko of his feelings.

"You're never one to apologize. Why start now?"

"Because it's the right thing to say?"

"Do you know that you can be so cruel sometimes?"

"Yuuko..."

"It's ok...let's say goodbye here. There's no need to say sorry...we don't own each other anything." She said as she got off the stool hastily. She needed to get out of here before her tears turns to sobs, if nothing else, she hopes she could still keep her pride.

Kurogane could only look at her disappearing figure knowing that there is nothing more he could do for her. He lowered his head into his hand sighing...regardless of whether he loves her or not, he had failed her.


	10. Chapter 10

**Author's notes: **

Thank you to every one who is still following this story, I hope I've managed to keep your interest going. I realized along the way that I'm digressing from the main point of my story. I also think I'm producing rather sloppy chapters despite my promise to buck up and improve on the story. I wish I could blame it on my work load in real life but it's not a good enough excuse isn't it? Well, I will put this story right back on track starting from this chapter.

Dannie: Thank you so much for your review for Chapter 8 and to answer your question: Fay is 24 years of age.

Werty: Thank you so much for your constructive comments. I have to say grammar is my greatest weakest in this language and sometimes mistakes are made. I am really happy that you enjoy reading this fic though!

Thank you for all the great reviews everyone left, they're my main source of encouragement to keep on going even when I'm flat out. I know this is on every chapter but it's something that can never be said enough. Simply because I'm honored that someone out there likes this story enough to comment on it. I'm also happy to see that I have come this far without my inspiration drying up halfway...it's a horrifying thing to experience. I'm sure every writer on FFN knows how that feels like.

Without further ado, let carry on to the latest chapter! Enjoy! Partly inspired by Dig - Incubus and The Prettiest Thing - Norah Jones

_Awashed, _

_Bright lights, _

_A faraway view,_

_Of this drowned city,_

_Driven here,_

_By the might, _

_Of pure winds_

_- Cattyfuzzy_

_Evidence of things unseen_

_Tells of fluttering heartbeats_

_Tells of tingles from a kiss_

_Evidence of things unseen_

_Tells of bittersweet ache_

_Tells of a dull throbbing pain _

_Evidence of things unseen _

_Tells of a shattered heart_

_Tells of our broken souls_

_Evidence of things unseen_

_Tells that we have loved before_

_- Cattyfuzzy_

**The Continuality of Existence**

**Chapter 10**

Kurogane wondered how anyone could feel lonelier with another occupant at home. It was getting worse nowadays. Sakura was on vacation and wasn't coming back for another two weeks. He hopes he is able to survive the deafening silence and that suffocating guilt. It has been tearing at him from the inside ever since he and Yuuko went their separate ways. Now Fay's knowledge regarding his feelings was weighing upon his shoulders too. The blond wasn't dense and judging by the turn of events, he should be able to deduce as much. That was something he had fervently wished to avoid. He also hopes that Fay had agreed to stay at the hospital for a few days...and he's starting to feel that it wasn't really for the welfare of the blonde.

Ah...yes...he is starting to realize how selfish and cowardly he is.

It was along that thought that he wanted to run out of his door when he saw Fay sitting on the couch, waiting for him apparently. However, his legs seemed to lose the will to move upon sight of the blonde. Fay was perched with his legs under him, looking out at the window again lost in his thoughts. Kurogane knows the city night lights are his one of his favorite views. Cities that never sleep...that's what Fay likes to call them, Tokyo, New York, Las Vegas, they all reminded the blonde of the perplexities of the restlessness men feels. It was one of the many subjects that Fay found intriguing. He didn't notice that the red eye man was standing there until the dull thud of a briefcase was heard.

It was in the dim light that they stood, on an opposite, with the empty spaces between them full of words unsaid. Neither having the courage to speak, knowing how their lives would change with this conversation. Unsure if they wanted this nameless thing that exists between them, a discovery of foreign emotions, fighting their conflicts within. It was that knowing in their consciousness that they knew they were not ready to cross that unassailable distance. Yet the tension that exists between them threatens to push them off the edge.

"What were you thinking?" Fay's whispered question, a harsh textured voice in the silence.

Despite the soft volume his question was projected, Kurogane didn't miss the anger simmering beneath. He vaguely made a guess that the question was directed at his request for the blonde to be admitted. He was also surprised that the blonde was the one who initiated the conversation. Just shows how much of a man he was...

"..."

"If you're going to avoid your own problems, you should stop preaching to me about facing my past or whatever. I'm not some..._thing..._to be thrown around." Fay continued hurt now mingled with the anger he felt. He was disappointed with the behavior of the red eye man, although he does not know why.

"I'm sorry...I didn't mean for you to feel this way..." Kurogane sighed and walked towards the couch and settled at the opposite end of the blonde. Despite their situation, he was still able to muse on how different they were their contrast a stark parallel to each other.

Whereby Kurogane grew up privileged with opportunities abound and doors opened for him. The blonde grew up in a world devoid of aspirations and dreams. He grew up experiencing joy and knew felicity. The blonde grew up well acquainted with despair, fear and loss. He had the opportunity to take love for granted. The blonde had none at all. Where he became a liar to achieve his goals and advance in his career. The blonde searched in vain for that last shred of honesty to free himself. When throughout his life, he went by mostly untainted but completely corrupted. The blonde remained an innocent despite his sordid and tragic past, his will undaunted, fiery and strong. How was he to proceed from here? If the blonde ever entertained the thought and felt he was undeserving of all the good things in life.

Fay had thought wrong.

He the jaded soul who no longer seeks to believe, who grew to be cynical to the good of his own kind...is truly the undeserving one.

They sat there looking at each other for a long time, each pondering how best to express themselves. The deft movement of pale slender fingers picking at the skin lining the cuticles belied the calm shown in Fay's eyes. Kurogane held the blonde's gaze, unable to prevent himself from being sucked into those soulful azure eyes. Could he be honest, brave enough to admit outright to the blonde about his feelings without losing the trust? Should he cross that invisible line of no return?

"You know...I never found it this hard to start a conversation before." Kurogane told Fay with a soft awkward smile gracing his ragged features.

Fay pulled his brows together in a woeful frown. The man who sits before him this night was as bare and vulnerable as him. A man whom he felt jealousy, resentment, grudging respect and reluctant affections for...wants him. No words were said but he understood. It wasn't lust or selfish desires shown in those eyes. It was a call for acceptance...for help and a hand to lead him into the unknown, together. Fay's heart started to thunder in his ears and he wonders why it is getting so difficult to breathe as he continued to gaze at those fiery crimson orbs. Those eyes that he once found strange and intimidating, now only reminds him of tenderness and want.

They reminded him of how Doumeki looks at Watanuki. Is this a manifestation of that age old emotion called love? Is he experiencing that elusive feeling? If that is so...why does he feel so petrified? He feels like he's hanging upside down on a tight rope by his toes...his heart palpitations wild and erratic...that aching pull in the middle of his being makes him feels light and heady at the same time. How could anyone feel like that all the time and not go crazy because of it?

"And I don't know how to call this thing you're making me feel." Fay said softly as he ceased the movements of his fingers and shifted to draw his knees to his chest. The huddled position was an unconscious act of seeking protection from the unknown. From the red eye man who's radiating heat was scorching him, burning the edges of his soul.

"When did we get this lost? Will you still trust me if I tell you what is going on in me?" Kurogane asked as a heartfelt chuckle rumbled from deep within his chest. It was frustrating and amusing at the same time. Imaging, him, at a lost for words when he's a lawyer. The vibrations of that deep baritone voice chuckling caught Fay off guard, sending an unexpected surge of warmth to his body. Along with that warmth, Fay caught the scent of Kurogane's cologne, a musky scent reminiscent of jungle foliage mixed with exotic spices and invigorating tropical ethers attacked his senses. It makes Fay want to reach out and bury and lose himself in that intoxicating scent, in that warmth. The acknowledgement of this feeling doesn't exonerate him, only creates a stronger sense of self-loathing.

"Don't ask me questions that I don't have the answers to, and don't avoid mine. I need to know what were you thinking when you asked Ashura to have me admitted?" Fay paused before continuing "I'm not going to break just because you push. What you did was a blatant disregard towards my..."

"You know...from your reaction that night, you're surprisingly calm right now." Kurogane said "you're right...I was being irresponsible and callous. I thought I could be by myself for a while to...you know...sort things out."

Fay nodded into his chest as he thought about Kurogane's answer. In retrospect, it did seem like a good idea to be away from each other and let the confusion in their head cool off for a while. Instead they were sitting here, an overwhelming awkwardness and uncertainty looming above them.

"Tell me what's going on Fay because I really don't know what to say right now, I'm pretty confused myself." Kurogane requested as he ran his fingers through short, spiky hair, averting his gaze for a moment from those haunted blue eyes.

"You confuse me too..." Fay replied as he glanced up at Kurogane "frighten me...immensely, yet you made me feel safe...it's so conflicting. Why do you act like this towards me? Am I making you sick...Kurogane?"

Kurogane startled as he look disbelieving into azure eyes now hazy with doubts. Was that what the blonde really thought?

"What makes you think that? I guess we are both sick if you choose to put it this way." Kurogane said "No...Fay...you didn't do anything bad. Just stop...what happened was not your fault. I need you to stop thinking that before we can continue talking about this. I can't deny what happened to your parents may be wrong but...it's not you than. You're a victim...Your mistakes are yours to keep but don't you ever think that you are to shoulder the blame alone. Even than...it doesn't matter now."

"I have blood on my hands...I'm a murderer. Who're you to say it doesn't matter?"

"Because we are not as innocent as you think we are. We are all guilty of something...and...and you have been given a second chance. Why won't you embrace it?"

"You are taking this lightly because the consequence of the deed is not on you. I want to believe that my existence has done something to you rather than believe you really care because I can't...I'm used and dirty. Isn't this obvious? How could you feel that way for someone like me?" Fay said voice quivering as he huddled further against the sofa, grasping tightly onto the denim of his jeans. Tears were starting to well up in his eyes but he swallowed and curbed the urge to cry. He can't break down right now because he needs Kurogane to know the truth and see him for who he is...

"Do you know I was raped in jail too...repeatedly...and I came with them...those men. I hated it. I hated myself but my body reacted. So many of them...and no one helped. No one. When I killed my parents, I felt nothing. Nothing but emptiness. Do you see what I am? I wanted to die but I don't even have the courage to kill myself!" Fay said his hands started to shake with the memories that he now calls out unbidden, the horror of everything he experienced threatening to pulverize his soul. Tears were now running rivulets down his pale ivory cheeks. He turned to look at Kurogane, anger, shock and concern clearly displayed on his face. He turned away just as quickly, not able to withstand the fact that not an ion of disgust was shown on the red eye man's face.

Kurogane clenched his fist as he absorbed the words...how could someone who suffered so much still be here trying to carve a tiny place for himself in this cold world? Surely the blonde knew how much courage one needed to live on with such a heavy burden? Not choosing to escape was a show of his defiance against what fate had set for him. How could one still be ashamed when such strength was shown in the face of adversity?

"If you felt only lust for me...I might..." Fay paused _'might what...do you want that to happen to you again? Do you really want that?' _the voice in his head asked. Fay shook his head "whatever you feel right now. It will be better for you to be rid of it before you regret anything."

Kurogane lashed out at the blonde when he heard those words, his hands moved and latched on the blonde's slender shoulders before he could stop himself. He gripped hard, knowing it will leave gentle bruises on that milky pale skin. He wants Fay to remember what he says.

"Stop saying things like that!" Kurogane snarled as he shook Fay hard "open your eyes and take a good look at yourself! You can't keep throwing yourself off the cliff! What makes you think anyone cares about your past? No one asked...they saw who they see today...and that is you. Not the kid whose hand is full of blood, not the boy who was...I don't care, we don't care..." Kurogane stopped halfway as he struggled to get his emotions under control before he continued 'you have to know that because...I don't know how or when...but when I see you like this...I'm starting to hurt too."

Kurogane took a deep breathe and loosen his grip on the blonde's shoulders. He thought the more they talked the more enlighten they would be...but it seems they were slipping deeper into the complicated maze of emotions.

Though it wasn't much...Fay understood how the red eye man. He had borne the pain after every sunrise for the past ten years of his life, clinging on to the fragile thread of hope and learning to live all over again. It was with those words that his silent tears gave way to cries of relief. The doors to his haunted heart closed for so long are now jarred wide opened. His hands that have been holding out for deliverance twitched and reached out and yearned to receive it.

The eternal night that ensnares his anguished soul now burns away with the light, the weight of that black grief on his shoulders easing off. How could such simple words from this man take away so much pain, blow away so much of that hatred contained in him? The shell that houses his lonely soul is starting to flicker to life and he realizes that no matter how strong his walls are...he had irrevocably fallen. He was lost ever since the first time he had felt the warmth of the red eye man. He only struggled so much against it because it terrifies him to acknowledge the fact that he was attracted to another man. He couldn't see it as any other thing but a perversion of his twisted mind.

"Will we ever stop hurting than?" Fay asked as he leaned back and laid his head on the back of the couch.

Kurogane reached out for the box of tissues sitting on the coffee table and passed them to the blonde. Not sure what else was to be done or said at this point. He watched Fay wiped at his red swollen eyes and blow his nose. He was glad that their talk hadn't taken a turn for the worse.

"Maybe one day..." Kurogane murmured as he shifted closer beside the blonde "I don't know but we could go on and see where this leads us."

"And what if it doesn't work out? What if these feelings you have now turned out to be a fluke?" Fay asked as he fisted the tissue in his hand, feeling the warm moist of his tears from it "where would I be than?"

"Are you going to live your whole life filled with missed opportunities?" Kurogane asked "I know I can't promise you anything...not yet but what I feel now isn't a lie."

Fay turned to face Kurogane, looking into those determined crimson orbs. Once again seeing the difference between someone whose life has been favored by fate and Fay thought that he can't do it. He knows there is no recourse and there are still things too big for them both to understand. The colliding void of their individual desires has no priority in the decision he will be making. As his thoughts started to disrupt themselves, the cages that he had built up in his mind started to encase him once again. The acrimonious sentiments he carries with him...he knows now too that they will never dissipate. Betrayal, like the ever changing tides of the shorelines will always come back, even if there is no known cause or reasons.

He is a forsaken angel, doomed to be forever imprisoned, forever tormented.

"I need some time to think about this. If we were to step into this, I'm not sure if I can protect you from me." Fay said as he exhaled, so forcibly that his head hurt.

Kurogane breathe in sharply as he listened to Fay say those words, he understands that there are issues that can't be averted. But something tells him that if he allows the blonde to slip away, there will be no getting him back. He could feel the anxiety and fear radiating from the blonde. He could see the beginning of fragile dreams being tore away by the hurricane within. Kurogane wants so much to crawl under that expense of lucid skin to look for that tiny flame in the blonde's entrapped soul. He wants to stoke it into a blazing inferno and bring life back to him again. But there is nothing he can do. He is only allowed to will in silence and clenched his fists to rage about the injustice of it all. He reaches out instead with a hand that is aflame with raw emotions coupled with gentleness and cusped Fay cheek, pulling the blonde inexplicably closer to him.

Fay stared into Kurogane's eyes, unable to pull his gaze away. That feeling was there and he fought it again. He lifted his hands and laid them on the red eye man's chest, stopping his advance. A calloused thumb brushed across the soft skin of his tear stained cheek and he wonders if the shattering sound he hears echoing within him was of his heart breaking.

How could such tenderness be so heart wrenchingly painful?

"Fay..." Kurogane whispered his voice turning husky and strained "why is it so difficult?"

"Because such is my life...Kuro-san." Fay replied quietly as he leaned into the palm of the red eye man, savoring the warmth, allowing himself the last bit of comfort.

He wonders if his absence from Kurogane's life would prevent more misery from occurring. He wasn't afraid of that almighty, lung crushing gravity of attraction between them. What he really feared was the ever wakeful beast laying within him, waiting for the right opportunity to takeover.

A beast that craves the release of the madness in his head...craves the deathly stench of blood in his hands.

A soul of a murderer can never be changed...not even by love.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Doumeki woke to the frantic knocks on the door; he turned towards the table clock by his bedside, luminous hands informing his sleep addled brain that it is in the dead of the night. Beside him, he felt Watanuki stirred.

"mmhh...who is it? Go get the door...you big oaf..." Watanuki mumbled sleepily and latched on to Doumeki's tee-shirt, trying to snuggle closer. Doumeki smiled at his boyfriends antics and gently pry open his fingers before getting gingerly off the bed. He really didn't bear to disturb the boy's sleep; he had been busy running between odd jobs and his studies. Doumeki could tell that the blue eye boy was worn out. He put on his bedroom sandals and shuffled in the dark towards the living room, searching for the switch along the stretch of wall for the lights. The sudden white light made him squint. He walked towards the door quickly, irritated and wanting to stop the knocking before it completely wakes Watanuki up. He swung the door open, a sarcastic remark hanging by the corner of his lips. The surprise of seeing who was at his door surprised him into shutting up.

"What are you doing here?" Doumeki asked.

The blonde only smiled apologetically before stepping quietly past him and into the apartment.

TBC

_This chapter will be posted in two parts, not due to the length. It's incredibly difficult to write so I need some time to think through the second part. Hopefully I can get it out before January starts..._

_Enjoy the festive season everyone! _


	11. Chapter 10 II

**Author's notes:**

Here is the second part of Chapter 10. I hope you guys enjoy it!

Fay grief for a lot of things…grief over the death of his childhood, grief over the betrayal suffered from the people he was supposed to trust with his life, grief for being the most heinous of sinner (because his hands were stained with his parents' blood) and grief for being who he is

Just wanted to clarify in case some readers associate it with something else…

I know I still am fumbling with 'than' and 'then' I seek your forgiveness for still making this mistakes at my age....gah! Sucks big time! Please be patient while I try to improve on this.

Thank you once again for everyone who reviewed! I can't remember if I have replied to each one of you personally because it been pretty crazy this couple of weeks. So I'm sorry if I didn't send a personal thank you for the review you have submitted.

Well, I don't to be too long winded so on with the story!

This is partly inspired by Creed - My Own Prison and Marilyn Manson & Korn - Cry for You

oOooOo

_Intrepid fingers_

_Skimming across _

_Lucid Skin_

_A pale expense of it_

_Held entranced_

_Bewitched _

_oOooOo_

_Seeping away _

_Every minute _

_Wheezed and huffed_

_Desperate _

_This last dance_

_I am performing_

_Doomed without an audience _

**The Continuality of Existence**

**Chapter 10 **

**Part II **

_For awhile, he would like to stop breathing. He feels so tired of running through the motions of life, one that no longer enthralls him. He feels like the walking dead, roaming among the living in the light of day. Not seeing the sun, not realizing how time pass. His heart could not take the not knowing of what lies ahead for them. He was unwilling to believe what Kurogane had said. _

_If the past was so easily forgotten, mankind won't be so haunted by their mistakes. _

_He looked at the red eye man slumped on the couch deep in sleep and smiled wistfully, his gaze roving the peaceful features of the sleeping man. The frown that was so prominent earlier on was gone, the smooth plane of his forehead made the red eye man look much younger than he was. He knows how tired Kurogane must have been to be so deep in sleep. He lifted his hand and let his index finger brushed gently across sensual curves of deceptively soft lips, slightly parted in sleep, soft puffs of warm air fanning across his palm. How strange it is to find that the idea of kissing those lips wasn't as appalling as he thought it would be. He settled back onto the sofa and wondered if he will find himself regretting this one day. When his memories are fading…becoming evidence lost. _

"_My weakness is an advantage to you. You know too well the guilt I carry...and because of this knowledge, I can't tell if you love me out of pity or if you love me for love." Fay whispered into the dark night as he moved forward and laid himself across Kurogane's strong, broad chest. Something he will not do if the man was awake. He allowed himself to relax against that comforting warmth beneath him, savoring the reassuring strength radiating from it. The sun bronzed skin beneath the cotton shirt tempted his fingers__ provoking the unfamiliar ache again.__ He gave in and ran his index from Kurogane's temples, down to his neck, then collarbone, leaning up he pressed his lips against the hollow curve, tasting him. The smooth texture and salty tang of it teased his taste buds. He found himself wanting more. The new found audacity thrilled and scandalized him at the same time. An act that was so wrong, felt so right. Was he feeling this because he had admitted his feelings towards the red eye man? _

_Slowly, his lips roamed to the angular strong jaw line, intrepid fingers following closely behind. The tantalizing slow burn roused him and before long he found his lips hovering above Kurogane's. His pounding heart screamed at the betrayal of his desires as he laid his lips gently, softly on Kurogane's. The forbidden lust that ran through his very being shocked him. The jolt of pleasure terrified him. Shaken, he pulled away. But his ardor was still burning him inside out. He feels so hot that he thinks he might self combust. He started commending his desire to take flight and flee. He starts feeling calmer but underneath, there was a simmering knowledge that it will never disappear. _

_He knows that much now. _

'_I'm permeable in so many places…I'm weak like the rotting wood adrift in the middle of the ocean. You need someone stronger and I can't be the one.' Fay thought as he laid the suede throw on the couch gently on the sleeping figure and with a lingering last look he made to leave the apartment. Fearful of the echoes of his intruding footsteps waking the slumbering red man on the couch he left without taking what was left of his meager possessions. _

_For once as Fay looked up at the velvet night sky as he was walking down the dark street, away from a place which was to be home for him. He found no solace from the moon. She was silent tonight._

_ooooooooooooooooooooooo_

There were times when one would wake up with a sense of foreboding…something that tells you that your world is about to go off kilter. But you wouldn't notice anything amiss until the truth hits you in the face like an 18 wheeler truck. That was how Kurogane felt when he woke up in the morning. He looked around and found himself still in the living room, sprawled across the couch with suede throw and cushions kicked on the floor. He scrunched his brows together as he gathered his thoughts.

Ah…yes…he had fallen asleep while talking to Fay.

He blinked to clear his blurred vision, eyes still tired.

The clock on the wall told him it was only seven-thirty; the apartment was oddly quiet. Normally, Fay would be up preparing himself for the day. There were no sounds of water running in the bath, no rustling of fabric being thrown around and no soft muttered cusses about being horrendously late coming from the blonde's bedroom. He tried not to think about the possibilities and that he might be a bit to paranoia about it. It's not as if Fay doesn't have any other reason to leave earlier than his stipulated timing, perhaps he had a breakfast appointment with his friends or something else more important.

Still he pushed himself in the direction of the blonde's bedroom, just to make sure.

The room was unnaturally tidy. There was no clothing that has been carelessly strewn around the floor; nothing looked like they have been moved…at all. That was when he noticed Fay's bag, quietly sitting by the foot of his bed. Everything was left behind except for Rayne's photo, conspicuously missing from the photo frame…

He only thought of how cold this goodbye was before sinking down onto his knees, the unbearable weight of disappointment on his shoulders.

He had never felt it before.

What can he do to make the blonde see? What should he say to make the blonde believe? What must he do to proof that his feelings are genuine?

What?

oooooooooooooooooooooooo

"So you're not going for back to university anymore?!" Watanuki exclaimed panicked and astounded to know of Fay's decision "isn't it a waste of all the efforts you have put in?"

The blonde only stared calmly at Watanuki not wanting to repeat himself anymore. It was one of the ways to ensure that Kurogane would not find him. He knew his friends will keep mum…and he knows that for them to comply with his wishes, they would have to know the truth of everything. He thought about what to say and how to broach the subject. He hopes that they would still accept him as a friend after learning about his past.

Doumeki looked on quietly as he leaned on the frame of the door, knowing that he would have to interrupt now because Fay was frowning at the moment. He wasn't sure if Watanuki was giving advice the right way because though his boyfriend may be a sensitive creature, he lacks the subtlety needed when it comes to certain matters.

"Maybe I should talk to him, Watanuki." he addressed his boyfriend in a tone that commends no argument. The blue eye man understanding without words the intention of his boyfriend nodded his acquiescent. He threw a parting glance towards Fay and wondered if the melancholy might be caused by a certain red eye man. Well… he could only wait until his boyfriend had spoken to the blonde.

Doumeki sat down on the chair Watanuki had recently vacated, eyes trained on the blond. He could see how tired Fay is when he is that close. The blonde hadn't said a word about what happened ever since he came to their house near dawn. He hadn't slept either. He just sat in the kitchen gazing out of the window, lost in his thoughts, seeking solitude in his loneliness. Doumeki wondered why the fatigue doesn't affect Fay at all…

"What's wrong?" Doumeki enquired quietly.

Fay turned to look at him, thinking about the similarities between this stoic looking man and Kurogane. Despite the silent intensity of their characters, Fay had never felt any tension between himself and Doumeki. The dynamics between him and the red eye man was unique only between them. They are like fire against ice and hurricanes against summer storm clouds. Kurogane's torque of dark passion is so unlike the quiet peace that constantly emanated from Doumeki.

"I…"

"You can speak your mind with me Daniel…even if I can't help much though."

"It's about Kurogane…" Fay answered hesitantly.

Doumeki inhaled slowly as he remembered the red eye man. Intensely possessive pair of eyes that sneaked lingering glances at the blonde when he wasn't paying attention. Did he do something to the blonde because Fay still looked visibly shaken by whatever happened. Has his feeling been made known?

"…and?" Doumeki ventured carefully.

"My name is not Daniel. My real name is Fay…Fay Flowright…."

"…" Doumeki blinked and nodded at the blonde to continue.

Fay took a deep breath. _'Time for judgement.'_

"I was raped and I've killed before…charged under manslaughter due to diminished responsibility. I was imprisoned for a long time. During that period, I was raped again repeatedly by other men. I was freed by the efforts of one good man. He gave me a new life, a new identity and then he left. I came here and thought this to be the end for me but I met someone who made me feel…made me hope again. Do you know how frightening this is for me?" Fay paused before he continued "I hope you do because then you will understand why I ran."

Doumeki blinked as the words sunk in piece by piece. He was not expecting a confession of such weight. His disbelieve and momentary hesitation to react must have shown on his face for Fay turned away with shame written on his face. He wasn't sure what to say right now. He wasn't sure if the words haven't sunk in yet or if he really wasn't affected by what Fay said. He couldn't bring himself to feel anything against the blonde. Instead, he felt only pity.

He couldn't really understand the acidic mark of destruction that grief would leave on a person.

_Was he really raped or…?'_ Doumeki turned away from that thought _'there's no reason for him to lie…'_

"So? Whatever has happened in the past, you're still Daniel to us." Doumeki said steadfastly. He simply couldn't see Fay as a murderer and he couldn't bring himself to think that way too.

"He knows…and he said he…he thinks he's in love with me…to me…" Fay whispered, his fingers skimming the tiny surface of the table infront of him. The skittish, trembling action revealed to Doumeki the blonde's anxiety. He gently grasped Fay's hands, trying to understand what was going through the blonde's mind at the moment.

"And how do you feel about his confession?" Doumeki ventured carefully, feeling like he was threading on thin ice with this subject.

Fay paused for a long moment and in the crisp silence that stretches out; his heart skipped and forced an unexplainable tightness in his chest. He realized abruptly that there was nothing he wanted to do to contradict himself any longer. His heart and soul has been irrevocably touched by the red eye man…although he was still caged…he managed to crumble the walls.

"I…I want it Doumeki. I want him to whisk me away from everything. But it's my own secret and because of its ruinous nature, I have to bear this alone. I cannot drag him into it. He will go crazy."

"If he knows and he is still able to find the courage to admit what he feels for you. Aren't you discrediting him? Is he worth that little in your eyes? Shouldn't you stop wallowing in self pity?"

Fay looked up sharply with eyes wide.

"You know me, Doumeki. But you don't know the story I have."

Doumeki held Fay's gaze, quietly demanding a more through answer.

"Daniel…I think he made some huge sacrifices to some degree. Though it may not have been as immensely profound or as affecting as what you've experienced. He could have left you alone and have you submitted into the asylum…throw you into purgatory forever. He didn't do any of that to you."

"It's not that. I just don't think I have the capacity to love."

'_I have been dead for so long…I no longer know how to live...not to mention how to love.'_

"Are you going to keep running away with your tail between your legs your whole life? If you're…don't waste my time or any others for that matter." Doumeki replied sternly with eyes narrowed, voice a cold steel edge to it.

"I just need some time. Please." Fay replied quietly "I promise I won't be here for long."

Watanuki appeared right at that moment; face an indignant red, similar to a tomato.

"How could you say that, heartless bastard!" Watanuki cried out "isn't it depressing enough that he has been through so much!" Doumeki blenched as Watanuki continued the tirade in his usual fashion, talking at the top of his lungs "you're welcome to stay as long as you want to and we'll be with you every step of the way!"

"Isn't it rude to be eves dropping on someone else's conversation?" Doumeki asked in his emotionless, stoic tone. His expression changed immediately once he looked over at Watanuki. The tenderness and adoration reflecting in his eyes made Fay felt acutely alone.

"It's not as if the hall is a mile apart from the kitchen you know!" Watanuki exclaimed as he looked around the tiny apartment, emphasizing his point.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Kurogane hurled the phone at the wall, savoring the cracking, crunching sound of the phone smattering to pieces. He was livid by now, being on the phone continuously for hours was exhaustive and it was taking a toll on him. How could anyone not know where the blonde went? Why didn't the security stop him from leaving the apartment block, didn't he noticed something amiss? Why can't the police just accept his explanation and launch a search party for that infuriating blonde whose disappearance was driving him crazy at the moment! Why can't Sakura be here when he needs someone? Why did that stupid asshole of a psychiatrist sound so calm about everything all the time? Wait for him to come back! Well, that was some great advice!

'_God, I am absolutely going nuts!' _

He sighed in exasperation as he sunk down onto the couch, combing his fingers through his hair in frustration. It has been almost twenty hours since Fay's disappearance and for the life of him, he couldn't figure out where the blonde had gone to. Well, he did have a last destination. The university. Only problem is, classes won't be starting until the next day and he's too distracted with worry to go to work or do anything else. He wondered in amusement breed out of frustration, if chasing a guy was this difficult for all the gay couples out there. Maybe he just had a special case on his hand…

'_Fay…where have you gone to?'_

He glanced at the other mobile that was laying conspicuously on the coffee table. Suddenly feeling stupid for not even have thought of it. He picked up the phone and ran through the contact list, unsure if he should be surprised when he saw there was only less than ten contacts recorded.

'_Doumeki…Watanuki…maybe they should have an idea. They seemed pretty close to him.'_

The phone rang for an eternity before an irritated voice answered the phone.

"Yes?"

'_Huh. Sounds like me…'_

"Doumeki?"

"…You're…?"

"Ryuken…Kurogane Ryuken."

"Oh…"

The monotone voice replied.

'_Oh?'_

"Have you heard from Daniel? I've not seen him since this morning and his mobile's here with me…"

A long pause and a barely heard sigh.

Kurogane wondered why a simple yes or no could garner such hesitation.

"No."

"Are you _sure_?"

"Yes." Still monotonous. This time, however, with a hint of remorse in his voice, as if he was withholding something from him.

"Alright, thank you." Kurogane said with an unspoken expectation hanging in the air. He was hoping for another answer to pop up. But of course the other person on the other end of the line was simply waiting for him to hang up.

"Bye."

'_Nice talking to you too.' _Kurogane said to himself as he flipped the mobile shut. There was something nagging at him with the way Doumeki answered his questions.

'_It's possible. They are only ones he knows in Tokyo…'_

oooooooooooooooooooooooooo

He didn't understand why he felt as if he was breathing in water the whole time. It was warm and cold all at once and from a distance a random cry of a seagull was brought to his attention. Wasn't it funny? It was obvious…seagulls wouldn't have flown so inland in this season. Struggling with the heavy pressure surrounding him, he fought to the surface of that watery embrace surrounding him, panting hard when he broke the surface.

He was in the middle of the ocean, or so he thinks it should be. He couldn't remember how he ended up here. A glance up at the sunny sky told him that it would be a beautiful day ahead, the warm breeze caressing his face brings the tangy smell of the sea to him. Yet, he couldn't seem to suppress that ominous feeling bubbling from the depth of his soul. There was something infinitely wrong with the way his limbs just refuses to corporate and move.

He doesn't know how to swim!

He panicked then and started to thread water desperately, swallowing large gulps of seawater at the same time.

Crystal sweet instead of the salty tang he was expecting.

How strange…

The struggling stopped…

As he sunk down beneath the undersea, he noticed the glittering and speckles of soft gel like amoebas floating around him. Everything seemed to be magnified at this range, as how sight is underwater. He doesn't feel the burn of foreign liquid on his eyes though, didn't even realized he was breathing too.

Peaceful.

He was alone.

It's a dead sea…nothing alive here, not even a cluster of sea-plants. There were just a lot of blue and pastels. As he concentrated on the vision beyond the soft sand dunes that formed the seabed…he saw the fuzzy outline of a city skyline.

A drowned city?

How strange indeed.

Curious, he started swimming towards the visage unaware of the dark cloud of currents approaching from behind. He only heard the thundering rush, liken to the sounds of a sand storm before he was pull into the swirling currents, into blackness.

Silence.

He's suffocating.

Cerulean eyes shot open as the remaining air in his lungs was squeezed out by the oppressing pressure. He was twirling about anyhow in this black space. The chilling black liquid was forcing its way down his throat and ears, as if trying to consume him.

He couldn't even scream for help.

He thrashed wildly than as flashes of white and horrifying memories came to him. He could hear _that man's _voice coaxing him in its veiled deceit. He could feel clammy, fleshy fingers rubbing themselves clumsily up and down his forearms. The sleek, round body rubbing against him. The foul breathe overtaking all his senses threatening to override his sanity.

He doesn't want to snap. He doesn't want to go back into that black coffer so filled with grief and anger. He didn't want to knock on Death's door. He no longer wants to because…because there's someone who needs him now…

Someone…someone with red eyes and…

'_NO!' _he screamed, hearing the voice only in his own head _'No! Let me go! Let me out of here!'_

Air…he needs air before he drowns in this!

He didn't know for how long he struggled but every second passed felt like a lifetime to him. And then, he heard that voice. Calm and deep…such a familiar baritone…and then warmth was enveloping him. He felt the appalling fingers of _that man_ being pried off him before he was pulled into a strong embrace. Those arms…lean and muscular, he feels so safe wrapped in them. The scent of his savior…so comforting. He lifted his head and gazed into familiar red eyes. He loved those eyes. They were always burning with life, always looking his way.

He wants them to look at him forever.

Yes…that's what he wants.

Forever if nothing else matters…

Forever…

Cerulean eyes slowly opened, blinking against the morning light bursting through the window.

A dream…

Fay slowly got up from the sofa and walked towards the window. The morning sky that greeted him was so like the one he saw in his dream. He didn't need to think too much on what it meant. It was only the echoing confirmation of his heart's desires, one which he was still hesitant to face. Watanuki and Doumeki were already out of the house. He was glad they weren't here because he wasn't sure what else he might have shouted in his dream state. He turned towards the delicious smell wafting from the kitchen when his stomach growled. They left him breakfast. Pancakes and sausages…not their usual breakfast if the bento sets sitting in the sink were of any indication.

He smiled to himself and wondered if he was still in his dream. He could not describe the joy he felt when both of them proclaimed their standing friendship to him, a reassurance that nothing had changed along with the newly acquired knowledge of his past. They still wanted to call him Daniel because they had known him as him. Fay found that he had nothing to say against that, only quiet tears of happiness.

He sat himself down at the head of the dining table, where a pool of sunlight flooded the place and pulled the plate of food towards him. When he's alone like that, he tended to mull over thoughts. He dismantled, dispersed and pored through them worried that he had left out a minute detail, desperate to separate the corporeality between his hopes and miseries. He realized that he was too focused on life's little sentences, so much so that when he saw the big ones, he couldn't understand them anymore. He knew the existence of his name was forcing him to live a lie, and with that lie, the reality of this world was starting to disappear. He does not want that…he does not want to deal with the emptiness any more.

He was sick of the emptiness; he no longer wants the crumpled wings on his back that will never fly.

Although now everything was weighing on him like never before. He felt lighter. He felt freer. As he ate in the companionable silence, he said goodbye to his ghosts. He watched them leave the table one by one. Their gray narrow faces borne from bearing sorrows throughout their existence, shone with an ethereal light. He likens them to the spirits that were ascending to Heaven.

They were exonerated.

He was emancipated.

TBC

Conversation between Watanuki and _Fay_

"I'm sorry. I couldn't help overhearing your conversation with Doumeki…"

"_It's fine. I know you would have found a way to listen in any way."_

"Hey! That's not fair! Was that what you thought of me?"

"_We can't help it sometimes." _

"Pfft…We?...Whatever…"

"…"

"Hey…I just wanted you to know…"

"_Yes?"_

"Sometimes all you can do is live…it's all we are born to."

"_Is it really that easy to do?"_

"Only if you give it a try…only if you give it a try."


	12. Chapter 12

**Author's notes:**

I was making a pathetic attempt at fluff near the end of the chapter. Didn't think I did well but I hope it did not spoil the story with this little whim of mine, and hopefully, it gives reader a welcome change of pace.

Thanks to all who have left a review! Enjoy!

Partly inspired by various tracks from Ryuichi Sakamoto.

oOooOo

_Left behind _

_Unforgotten like age old regrets_

_Your solitude is not something I understand_

oOooOo

_Your seeking lips _

_Casts away my sorrows_

_Holds my wandering heart _

_That aridness in my eyes…_

_They no longer weep_

_When I weep_

_oOooO_

* * *

Excerpt from 'The Poisonwood Bible'

I forgive you, Mother. _I shall turn the hearts of the fathers to the children, and the hearts of the children to their fathers. _The teeth at your bones are your own, the hunger is yours, forgiveness is yours. The sins of the fathers belong to you and to the forest and even to the ones in iron bracelets, and here you stand, remembering their songs. Listen. Slide the weight from your shoulders and move forward. You are afraid you might forget, but you never will.

* * *

**The Continuality of Existence **

**Chapter 11**

He could not for the life of him understand why was he seated with the stoic bastard…in a pub…having a drink. As if they were old friends playing catch up. But he has his weaknesses and there don't seem to be anyone better than him to discuss them with. He has never met anyone more discerning.

"Care to explain why I should wait for Fay to come back instead?" Kurogane asked in reference to the _suitable advice_ that was dispensed the other night.

"Like I told you before, let him accept what is in the past and he'll come around himself. It is not something you can force out of him."

"There's nothing I can do?" Kurogane asked like a petulant child who refuses to accept no as an answer.

"He doubts his humanity because of what he did to his parents. So in order to seek absolutions from his sin, he chose to punish himself. He denies himself any remote chances of being happy and it's hard for him to accept that it might happen for him." Ashura explained "Where beauty is, tragedy is bound to follow. Have you not learned that? Moll Flanders, Anna Kerenina, Emma Bovary and the women in Shakespeare's works…would you like further examples?"

"I want a happy ending for him, Ashura." Kurogane bite out, downing another mouthful of his brandy.

"Fancy a lawyer saying that." Ashura replied, sarcasm lacing his voice.

"Give me a break! The people you quoted are _fictional!_" Kurogane cried out.

"You've seen enough of those that happen in reality I presume?" Ashura replied calmly.

"Well, thanks! I feel much better already." Kurogane quipped.

"I wasn't trying to make you feel anything. I just wanted to let you understand how that boy thinks."

"I understand how he thinks…(sigh)…then in your _expert opinion, _how long would that take?"

"Don't have to turn up the sarcasm. I can only access thoughts not read them."

"You know, if everything you say is going to be at its _supreme vagueness_. I think I can handle your job much better!"

"You deal better with hard facts and well based assumptions. Not psychology." Ashura said as he reached up to pinch the bridge of his nose with two elegant and slender fingers. He was starting to tire of the way Kurogane was behaving, and he was pretty sure it was the alcohol talking for most of the part. He hardly tipped half of his own glass of brandy. Kurogane already had more then eight shots of it, though the man gave nothing away to indicate that he is drunk.

"I think you have a little too much to drink." Ashura said as he reached across the counter and removed Kurogane's drink from his hand.

"Hey! Gimme that back!" Kurogane protested "I'm hardly drunk!"

"I'll be the judge of that. Look, you came here looking for answers. I have given you your answers. Now go home."

"Could you stop being an asshole for a moment?"

"You were asking for it."

"…"

"Do you…"

"…what?"

"Are you sure he is what you want?"

"I'm…"

"He can't withstand any more heartache. I am sure you know that very well."

"You don't have to tell me…I'm serious about him. It's just that…I feel like I will be left standing outside his door for the rest of my life waiting for him. That worries me because I am afraid I'll never find the strength to walk away from that door." Kurogane said wondering when had he turned into such a sap "What about you? Why are you attracted to him?"

"I am gay. Any beautiful man will attract me. He is no exception."

Kurogane's eyes widen at the omission. Sure, he had his suspicions but most of the time he thought that the psychiatrist was only trying to rile him up.

And then he started to tense up when the words sunk in…

"Aren't you the promiscuous one?" he said scathingly.

"Hn." The stoic man grunted in reply.

They both sat as the long silence stretched out before them. The soft jazzy tunes in the background became a soothing balm for their jaded souls. The sultry voice of the singer brings with it a touch of nostalgia and wistfulness to the already melancholy mood.

"How does it feel for you?" Kurogane asked.

Ashura looked at Kurogane as he frowned slightly at the question.

"…to be in love with a man?" Kurogane continued.

"Women or men, love is just that, love. We all feel it differently and the perception and concept of it changes with the reality of our lives. Sometimes my lust turns to love, and I guess I've learned that kind of love is the most short-lived."

"Speaking from experience?"

Ashura looked down into the glass of brandy he was swirling in his hand, watching the ice ball clinked against the sides of the glass. His expression softening in reminiscent of some precious memories only he has access to.

"He looks like a man I used to love."

'_He has experienced lost too…'_ Kurogane thought

"What happened?"

"He died…of cancer." Ashura said with a tinge of sadness in his eyes "I spent his last days with him in hospital…watching him die. After him…" Ashura paused and gulped down the rest of his drink "…I abandoned love."

Ashura leaned forward onto the counter as the past assaulted his mind. It has been so long ago but every little detail was still clear in his mind. He couldn't call theirs' an epic love story but it was just as heart wrenching with a tragic ending. It was a love at first sight, whirlwind romance. He had met Yuui when they were still graduates and immediately struck it off. It was a feeling of home when and wherever he was with him. And for those few years that they were together, his life revolved around Yuui. None of his family members approved of their relationship. Mostly because he was the only son and the family was one of the most prestigious names in Japan. He had forsaken that name for Yuui. He thought they could have forever.

Forever only gave them three years before everything crushed.

His initial reaction has been of anger. He was angry at the fact that he was the one to be left behind first. Then he got angrier when he realized Yuui was going somewhere far away beyond his reach, without him. He thought he might never live again. He traveled for a year while mourning his death, trying to find meaning to continue through the pain. It was then that he realized how many things he had overlooked when they were together. But regret was a pointless endeavor. He came back to Japan where his youth became a forgotten ancient past. He lost the warmth and laughter that once came so easily to him, and picked up where he left off with his career. He is now a harden man with a wall built so solidly around his heart, with a cold eye towards love.

Until he met Fay all those months ago, it was Fate's cruel hand that dictated that the boy can't be his…

Kurogane took a deep breath, not sure if he should offer any condolences.

Ashura looked back at him, opal eyes reflecting the pain and yearning for someone already far beyond his reach.

"Don't start being nice to me now. I am still very much a bastard to you." Ashura said as his lips twisted into a sardonic smile.

"Good to know..." Kurogane replied with a genuine smile towards a man he never thought he could be friends with. He guessed that there are just some things in life you can never foretell. This meeting of kindred souls, if it could be considered that, is sort of a lifeline for the lonely.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Ashura arrived home with a heavy heart, a sorrow that he has not felt for some time resurfacing again. It seems that there was nothing he could do to numb himself. There are things that are never meant to be forgotten. He walked towards the storeroom, where part of his past was buried there. He felt trepidation as he slowly opened the creaking door. His gaze immediately landed on the top of the cabinet that was positioned right against the back wall.

There weren't many things that he kept to remind himself of Yuui, he had disposed of all his material belongings. There was a time when he couldn't bear to look at them without breaking down. But the photos…it was something he deliberately left forgotten. He doesn't know the reason why he kept those but he was glad he did at times like this. When he couldn't feel the gravity of life and got overwhelmed by the embrace of loneliness.

He reached up with a trembling hand and pulled out the dusty album, his fingers skimming over the dry leather cover. There were so many memories inside, sweet moments, candid shots, petulant faces of bickering lovers, family, friends at the crazy parties they used to hold and those that carry the bones of the dead...pictures that were taken shortly before Yuui was hospitalize.

"_You should fly…even without me." _

He took a heavy breath as he opened the album. The aching throb came back, each stab at his heart concise and deep. He turned and leaned against the cabinet, flipping slowly through the pages looking from the last page to the first. Life in reverse, if only he could do that to time.

"Easy for you to say…Yuui, leaving me alone to walk this path."

There was a photo of Yuui taken right before he suffered a relapse and was hospitalize once again…for the last time. Yuui's face, pale and sickly with a ghost of a smile on his lips and a rumor of beauty stared back at him. Light baby blues eyes with their sparkle fading away. It was not of happy times but it is an image that remains lodged in his mind most prominently. Maybe it was because of the guilt he carried, his betrayal. The knowing that he can do nothing to stop the deterioration of his lover's health, that he went back to his family seeking for support, even when he knew none would be given. Then, seeking the warmth of a stranger's body when he could no longer take the pain. He was so weak then.

"_It's alright…Ashura. I understand."_

"Why didn't you get mad at me…?" Ashura whispered as he tilted his head up and closed his eyes against the onslaught of tears he knew would be coming. He gripped his hands tightly around the album as he felt the ghostly caress of Yuui's fingers along his forearm. He could still feel his gentle breathing teasing his nape and hear the unique light chuckle he made when he found something oddly amusing.

How could someone who is so dead be so alive?

oooooooooooooooooooooo

Watanuki sighed for the umpteenth time that day. Doumeki wasn't sure if he could handle much more of his boyfriend's gloominess. He was unlike his usual talkative self and Doumeki's ears were unused to the silence.

"Is there something you need to tell me?"

"Not really…"

"Then quit the moodiness."

"Humm…"

Doumeki stopped and turned to his boyfriend.

"Stop worrying for Daniel. He'll be fine."

"I think I am more worried about that guy there." Watanuki said as he gestured to the man standing by the convertible a few feet away "he's been coming here every morning. I feel bad for him."

"Kurogane will have to learn how to give Daniel the time he needs. If not, this relationship that he's pursuing won't work." Doumeki said as they both stood facing the red eye man. Kurogane nodded his acknowledgement towards them.

"Why don't you go in first?"

"Ok."

Doumeki stood at the entrance of the building, hesitating. Why is he still here? Have he not explained himself clearly enough?

'_Daniel, you're lucky to have found someone who loves you this much.' _Doumeki thought as he walked towards the red eye man. He stared intently at those blood shot eyes that tells of sleepless nights and that worn out appearance. Despite the blonde's circumstances, he couldn't help but feel that his friend might have been a tad too selfish…

'_Daniel, you really should talk to him yourself.'_

He gave a loud sigh as he stopped right infront of the tall man. He pulled out his notepad and scribbled down his address hastily.

"He's there."

Kurogane didn't ever bother to say goodbye as he jumped into his car and sped off.

"Well…thanks a lot too…" Doumeki turned back as he muttered under his breathe.

oooooooooooooooooooooooo

Kurogane tore across the path of another vehicle as he ignored the traffic lights, narrowing avoiding a collusion with the oncoming vehicle.

'_Ok…I've got to slow down…he's still gonna be there…gonna be there…'_

He kept repeating his latest mantra in his head, only to find that it did nothing to calm him down.

'_What am I going to say to him? What will he say to me? Will he even agree to go back with me? Should I give more time before I go look for him? Will I cause him to suffer a break down again?' _There were so many questions running through his mind right now. It got so distracting that he had to stop by the curb halfway, just to get himself to calm down _'should I give him a call first?...Oh…no…that may give him an excuse to run again…' _

"Stop it! Kurogane! You're getting hysterical!" Kurogane reprimanded himself loudly before he droved off again.

oooooooooooooooooooooooo

Takahashi sighed as he looked at the increasing pile of documents and case files lying on his boss's desk. The man had been entering the office looking a little more crushed every day. And by the looks of it, his associate, Shigure seems ready to unload his frustrations toward Kurogane anytime now. It was just fortunate that there were no major cases up this month.

He sneaked a peak from the glass panel into Shigure's office. The silver hair man was currently engaged in, what he thinks from his expression, to be a heated conversation. He watched the man gesticulating wildly and the muffled voice dropping in octaves every minute, and he was tempted to rush in to interrupt. Shigure unlike Kurogane was never prone to outbursts of anger. His face always a calm façade no matter what the situation. What could have happened to drive him to such a level of rage?

He didn't have to wait long to satisfied his curiosity.

Shigure came stomping out of the office within seconds after he had slammed down the phone, his stormy gray eye tumultuous with anger.

"Get the boss back in the office right this instant!" he bellowed, the forceful voice startling the other lawyers and associates in the office. None of them has ever witness Shigure in such a rage.

"What happened?" Takahashi asked in concern.

"Why don't you asked him yourself." Shigure answered as he threw the papers down infront of Takahashi.

Takahashi gasped as he saw the headlines on the business page…

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

"_Do you still remember how it feels like to be free?" the brown hair boy asked curious eyes staring intently at his cell mate. _

"_Sometimes…" the blonde replied quietly. _

"_I'm afraid of the outside world. I've been here for so long and I don't know what's going on out there anymore. Funny isn't it? You'd never think much about life when you have it good…" the brown hair boy said as he chewed at the toothpick held between his teeth._

"_At least you will be out of here, still young and carefree…" _

"_How many years have you still left?" _

"_Six." _

_The brown hair boy nodded, having a common understanding of their sentences. At least they will both be out of this hell hole before everything's too late for them to start over. _

"_You know what?"_

"_What?"_

"_When I'm out…the first thing I'm gonna do is go to a free for all buffet restaurant and dig in like a pig.""_

_Fay laughed._

"_I'm serious." The brown hair boy answered with a straight face "I'm so sick of the food here and I miss my mum's cooking too." _

"_Will she be here?" _

"_Yeah, she will."_

"_And then, I'm gonna get myself a job and lastly…a girlfriend." _

"_Looks like you have it all well planned out." Fay smiled "What about school?"_

_The brown hair boy gave him a look._

"_I've been locked up since I was twelve. I'm eighteen now…it's too late to play catch-up and I need to support my mum too. She's getting too old for this." _

"_What about you?"_

"_...?"_

"_Your parents?"_

"_They passed away." _

"_Sorry." _

_Fay smiled again and looked towards the small window. The clouds above were flitting pass free, without a care in the world. Will he ever be as they are?_

"_Do you know what so you want to do when you are out?"_

"…_I haven't thought about it."_

"_Even a caterpillar dreams, you know?" the brown hair boy said with a glorious smile._

_Fay laughed again._

"_You do know you say the weirdest things right?"_

"_So they say…" the brown hair boy answered as he flopped down on the bed. _

Fay smiled fondly at the random memory; it was one of those rare moments when he had ever felt happy. He wondered how is the boy doing now and would he have fulfilled his dreams? He just couldn't remember his name and for a while he wondered briefly if he had ever asked for it? The boy was one of a few whom he can call a friend, despite the short time they had known each other.

It was only after so many years that he understood what the brown hair boy meant. He was glad that he didn't realize it before it was all too late. Maybe he should stop avoiding the red eye man and go back to the university. He was interrupted from his reverie by the frantic ringing of the doorbell. He sighed heavily; Watanuki could be the most troublesome housemate at times. What could he have forgotten this time?

He simply wasn't prepared to see Kurogane there, heaving with the exertion of rushing up those flights of stairs.

"Hi." The red eye man managed to say through panting breaths. For a moment, Fay wanted to shut the door in his face and run again.

"Come in." He said softly instead stepping aside to make space in the tiny hallway for the bigger man. There was that deafening silence again as they stood in the doorway. Fay braced himself as he looked into those red orbs, he was sure the man was incredibly mad at him for leaving without word. He leaned back against the wall, half filled with relief at seeing the man and half filled with anxiety on how Kurogane would react. His heart pounding so loudly, he was sure Kurogane could hear it between these tightly packed walls. The silence drags on with the both of them scrutinizing each other, like enemies on a battlefield. Fay was starting to find the situation mildly amusing, despite the awkwardness.

"Are you coming back at all?" Kurogane asked suddenly with a plaintive gesture, trying to look calm just incase the blonde sensed his desperateness and pulled back. He was insanely grateful for Doumeki for the information because he was sure he was going crazy from the anxiety.

Fay turned away, concentrating on an invisible spot on the carpet.

"Sorry, I don't do goodbyes well."

"It's obvious," Kurogane said with a biting tone as he was reminded of the day he found Fay missing "but we're not doing any goodbyes right now. I want to bring you home." He continued with his voice softening to a whisper gradually. Kurogane stepped forward. Fay moved a step closer to the living room. Still Kurogane was close enough to reach out and smooth Fay's hair back from his forehead, "are you still lost? Have you found the planet within that galaxy in your head?" Kurogane asked with a hapless smile and Fay's demeanor started to crumble.

It was that voice he missed. So deep, so calm, so tender and leaves him weak for more.

"Do you understand and believe me? Will you give us a chance?"

'_Yes, because you're my salvation.' _

"You'll be stigmatized by me." Fay said as he gazed into crimson orbs. This time he let his resolution showed. Kurogane didn't have to hear it because that look in the blonde's eyes and his expression told him everything he needed to know. His heart soared with elation. The knowledge that the series of collisions they have experienced did not managed to repel them apart, was of monumental and profound happiness to him.

'_I would let you know I'm wiling to go to hell for you'_

"I'd rather be stigmatized for you to belong to me than nothing at all."

Fay reached up and gripped on tightly to Kurogane's shirt as he leaned back against the wall. Those are not the words that should be gifted to someone like him. But oh…it feels so right to hear it from Kurogane.

"Don't say things like…" Fay breathes out and shut his eyes. He knows he is being contradictive again, saying what his heart doesn't mean, and he hopes that Kurogane will find it in him to see through his ruse. For all that he is and all he has realized, he is still unable to be honest with the people who truly matters. He doesn't know what to do with this indefinable yearning. It just keeps building up and there isn't an outlet for it.

"Then tell me what you want to hear, what you want me to do." Kurogane said as he stepped closer to Fay again seeing no resistance against his proximity. Fay bit his lips and tried hard not to cry when Kurogane pulled him into an all enveloping embrace "let me bring you back to life, Fay." Kurogane whispered as he guided Fay's head up and looked into his eyes, leaning close, silently seeking acquiescence to what he wanted to do next. Fay studied the pair of crimson orbs, finding assurance in their honesty and knowing that the next step he takes will determine how the rest of his life will be lead.

Is he really ready for the changes?

Fay only gave a small smile, a barely there shy tilt at the corner of his lips.

'_You're not like those men.'_

Kurogane's eyes widen as he finally saw the spark of fire he's been waiting so long for. Whatever Fay had been thinking about these few days, they were definitely god sent. He will never cease to be surprised by the blonde. Always when he thought he might receive the worst reaction from the blonde, he was only shown revelations and growth. Today, he was expecting defiance and resistance but only found acceptance. He might have to do some wandering in the blonde's head in order to understand his temperament and thoughts.

He leaned in and press gentle lips against Fay's soft plaint ones.

It was not a passionate kiss, there was no fireworks exploding in the air and there were no inspiring orchestrated music creating an ambiance in the background. But it was the most beautiful thing that Fay had ever experienced. The chaste act itself speaks of stability and reliability, it shows the respect that been bestowed on him so reverently. Something he does not think he will receive from anyone else. Fay whimpered unconsciously as he was reminded of that night, when he had stolen a kiss before he left the house. This was different. Kurogane was awake and he was warm and his seeking lips were driving his knees weak with desire.

He never imagined he'd have the ability to feel like this.

Kurogane smiled into the kiss as he heard the blonde whimpered and tighten his hold on his shirt. He wrapped his arms around slender waist, savoring the feel of taut muscles sliding beneath his hands.

"You know…this meeting is sort of an anti-climax considering the way you left." He whispered as he pulled away from those incredibly kissable lips.

"I will have you know that I'm not a drama queen by nature, Kuro-san." Fay answered as he flashed a coy smile at the red eye man.

"And I never thought there will be a day where I can see you smile like this." The red eye man answered with a roguish grin on his face.

Fay's face immediately turned somber.

"Do you really understand the responsibilities you are taking on?" Fay asked his gaze lowering of their own accord.

"Haha…you talked as if I'm bringing a pet home." Kurogane replied as he ruffled Fay's silky locks, enjoying the faint taint of a blush on the blonde's cheeks.

"I'm serious…"

"You spent more than half of your life being sad," Kurogane said as he lifted Fay's chin and looked at him sturdily in the eye "I want you to be happy with me." He continued as he lowered his hand and enclosed both of them around Fay's slender ones.

"I can't foretell the future…Kuro-san, but I think you can…" Fay said as he blinked away tears. Tears that he had shed because of happiness and not of pain, it was one of the many first foreign emotions that the red eye man had invoke in him.

He hopes there will be many more to come…

TBC

**Where are thou?**

Watanuki immediately sensed something was amiss the moment they came home.

Fay was gone.

"Where's Daniel?" He turned to ask his boyfriend with his hands akimbo by his waist.

"…" Doumeki kept his silence.

"What did you do?" Watanuki queried again as he watched Doumeki flinched unconsciously. A sign of guilt, something he observed after being together for so many years.

"…"

"Shizuka! You'd better tell me the truth or you're sleeping on the couch for the rest of the month!" Watanuki warned.

"…"

"Shizuka…" the blue eye boy growled.

"Fine!" Doumeki relented reluctantly "I gave him our address and Daniel called this afternoon to let us know that he's going back with him."

"How could you do all these without telling me!"

"…"

"You didn't even try to respect Daniel's wishes." Watanuki said, his volume raising by the minute as he wringed his hands about.

"They're just both being miserable…" Doumeki tried explaining.

"It's still isn't your business to interfere!" Watanuki yelled out.

Doumeki just plugged his fingers into his ears to keep the volume out.

"I don't want to sound like a bastard but don't you think it's better this way? At least we have our privacy back." Doumeki explained. It was true, Watanuki had been steering clear of any sexual acts with him ever since Fay moved in. Doumeki thought his balls might just turn blue and drop off if it continued any longer. Not that he isn't concern about his friend's plight but being a hot-blooded male with such a sexy lover sleeping next to him, there's only so much he can take.

"Shizuka!" Watanuki growled again "you're so sleeping on the couch!"

"But…Watanuki…" Doumeki called after his angry lover as he followed him in the direction of the bedroom. He barely stepped into the room before he was shoved out with a barrage of flying pillows…and the loud slam of a door.

Doumeki sighed…

'_The things I do for love…'_


	13. Chapter 14

**Author's notes: **

Thanks to all the readers who left a review, I hope everyone still love the story so far!

This chapter is partly inspired by Duncan Sheik – Half Life.

oOooOo

_Sweet wanderings_

_Fairy steps_

_A misfit in a false wonderland_

oOooOo

_Excerpt from "The Men from the Boys"_

_We were changing the rules, making our lives more authentic, honoring the love as it came, the friendships as they were made. We were fashioning new families out of white cloth, tearing out the stitches that were tight, mismatched, weaving in only those that were beautiful and fitting. We were making our lives happier, more honest, more enduring._

**The Continuality of Existence **

**Chapter 12**

Takahashi redialed Kurogane's number as he continued his walk up the path, slightly more then annoyed since he has been trying to get hold of the man from this morning. He frowned at the numerous messages he had left on the voicemail regarding the news report. How could he not respond to it? He flipped the papers again, now crumpled beyond recognition from his endless fidgeting.

The headline read of the business page read: _Lawyer found to be linked to male prostitute ring, ex-lover an accomplice. _The incriminating article mentioned the firm and Ryuken's name. Another headline on the front page of the paper, tells of a more shocking story of a senator's fall from grace.

Although the article did not outright accuse Kurogane of being involved with the group, the implications were damaging enough. He couldn't blame Shigure's outburst because he too understood the seriousness of the situation. He flipped his phone shut as his employer's apartment came into view.

"He better be home…" he muttered grumpily as he made his way past the security counter and up the lift.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Fay stood outside the door feeling the same hesitation and anxiety he felt the first time he was here. How far a road he has traveled, it was no longer intimidating. He gazed tenderly at Kurogane as he inserted the key and opened the door into a familiar hallway, leading to something that would require change; a disorganizing of every familiar thing to him in his life. Change, the word heralds a partial death of him, opening a path to which he cannot yet see. He has been through many changes in his life that was only bad and has only changed for the worst. Life does not go where there is no pain nor does it allow one to forget. But since the heart is distracted, it forgets easily what it does not want to remember, push aside the cobwebs and dust that has gathered years later and one will find the ruin decays still sitting there: perished memories.

This time, he thought to himself, there will be no pain, no drama and no sadness, to die a partial death_;_ he will lose this part of him. The balance he once thought he had found had been thrown askew by the passionate man before him, like black sugar that touches your tongue in bitter notes and only leaving an unbearably sweet after taste behind. The red eye man had broken all his bad habits. With that gentle kiss that Kurogane had given him in Doumeki's apartment, he felt that he has been brought to life and his first breath bestowed to him like a newborn gasping its own. He will learn how to dream again and whatever sadness in his life; they will become a nostalgic memory.

Kurogane stepped in first and turned back to face Fay, an unfamiliar sort of exaltation and emotions filled him suddenly. He could barely believe that Fay was really with him and giving them a chance at this relationship. A wave of emotions attacked him, a bittersweet mix of melancholy and joy. Can the blonde justify the faith he has in him because he had been so thoroughly brought to his knees? Can he make sure that the blonde was ready to give up his sorrows and smile without grieve, without regrets? The fluidity of his life was no longer and he now stands on the other side of the bank, not sure from which depth he should be seeing himself in.

'_Well…you have brought him back here…back home.' _

Kurogane looked up to gaze at the blonde. Had he seen anything so pure before and when had everything been so clear? He reached out with both hands, reaching out like he was reaching for Heaven itself and pulled the blonde into a tight embrace.

"I don't know how I had fallen so deep…" he whispered into the wisps of golden strands that covered the blonde's ears "are you really ready for this?"

Fay thought about the question that was also been asked to himself earlier. How will everything be changed and what cannot be changed back again? How things begin and results in a particular end and about his intentions. But he knows that being dead is none better than being alive and what better to support the reason for his existence other then love? There were still years of recovery to go and he was glad that there was someone who is willing to stand by him unconditionally,

_*"The bittersweet tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone." _

Rayne's words that were spoken to him by his deathbed came to him suddenly.

'_Yes, there will be no regrets."_

"I'm…and if you're ready too…bring me home, Kuro-san." Fay answered simply with his eyes closed.

Kurogane sucked in a sharp breathe as the meaning of the words hit him, and with a soaring heart he bent down and lift Fay onto his arms, savoring the warmth and the scent of the blonde deeply. As soon as he crossed the threshold to his apartment, he let the blonde slide down and pressed him against the wall, his breathes coming out quick and heavy. He could barely as the adrenaline and ecstasy rushing through his body seemed to be weakening his legs as well.

Fay looked at the man before him, normally composed and cool to the point of artic temperatures, now a heaving mass of emotions. He couldn't but smile as he leaned into the crook of Kurogane's neck, feeling the rapid pulse beneath the heated skin. And a random thought suddenly struck him and he felt the intimacy of their position, a lover's embrace. It was not too long ago that any one who presses up that close to him will send him into fits of hysteria.

"What are you feeling now?" Fay whispered against Kurogane's neck.

"Hn…funny, I really can't tell." Kurogane replied as he rocked himself back and forth with Fay in his arms "…it's just beyond words." He continued as he rubbed his hands up and down that slender back. This closeness with the man he had come to love is so precious to him. He parted from the blonde, running his hands down from silky strands to sharp protruded shoulders, mentally reprimanding himself on his failure to take care of the blonde as he looked down at a pair of sapphire blue eyes. He could drown in them and never surface…the rich baby blue that reminds him of the sky and the ocean. Free spirited elements that hardly represent the blonde…well, he will make sure that from now onwards, the blonde is able to relate to that at least. They were both so immerse in their own little world that they didn't hear Takahashi's rapping on the front door.

"Ahem!" Takahashi coughed loudly.

They both snapped their eyes away from each other and turned towards the front door. Both their faces flushed immediately unused to a stranger witnessing their private intimacy.

"Takahashi, what are you doing here?" Kurogane asked surprised to see his secretary at his place during working hours.

"I wouldn't be if you'd pick up your call." He replied allowing the bit of insolence to creep into his voice as his gaze followed the retreating figure down the hall, "who's that?" he asked irrelevantly, already having a vague confirmation to who the blonde man was before an answer was given. Having no previous insight into Kurogane's love life, he accepted it naturally that his superior was gay.

Kurogane fussed about in his pockets for a while before he found his mobile phone. It had been switched off. He must have pressed on the button accidentally in his haste to get to the blonde.

"He's my...he's a close friend of mine." Kurogane answered as he turned briefly behind to see if Fay had gone out of earshot. He didn't think he was ready to come out to his colleagues yet. How was he to explain that he suddenly found himself _turned_ _gay_, after more then half of his life span was spent on pursuing members of the opposite sex? But then could he really consider himself gay when he does not feel the same attraction to other members of the same sex?

"Seen this yet?" Takahashi asked as he unfolded the piece of newspaper he took from his pocket. Kurogane snatched the flimsy piece of paper from his secretary, his eyes having caught the attention grabbing headline on the front page of the business section.

"How did this come about?" the red eye man questioned, his eyes rapidly scanning the offending article. A dark tremor of anger teetering at the edge of his voice, his features slowly harden into steely sharpness and his eyes narrowed. Immediately, his thoughts flew to Yuuko. What happened? What misfortune has befallen her? Is he able to help? Too many questions…

Takahashi took a step back out onto the common corridor, beckoning Kurogane to follow him when he saw the blonde returning to the hallway.

"Maybe we should head back to the office first. Shigure needs your assurance that everything is fine. He's very worked up over this." Takahashi answered his voice low and tone serious.

Kurogane looked up and nodded, understanding the situation even though his heart could barely part with the blonde so soon after their reunion. They still have so much to talk about. He didn't want to leave a newly acknowledged lover feeling desolated.

"Just give me a minute." He said as he turned back into the apartment but not before handing the paper back to Takahashi. He didn't want the blonde to see the article and cause him unnecessary worries.

Fay stood at the end of the hallway as he watched the exchange between the two men with weary eyes. He didn't like the expression the red eye man was sporting on his face right now, grave and severe. He wondered what might have happened. He threw a curious glance at the paper Kurogane was clutching in his hand. What was written on it?

"Hey…" Kurogane said with a smile as he walked towards the blonde.

"Are you alright? What are you so vexed about?" Fay asked carefully, still keeping his eyes on the stranger standing at their doorstep and wishing that his Japanese was fluent enough to understand what they were discussing about. Then he noticed the deliberate distance the red eye man was keeping from him. Although that action irked him greatly, he said nothing about it. Kurogane though was fortunately sensitive enough to pick up on his darkening mood.

"Don't worry. He's my colleague. Look something came up at work, I need to go back. Will you be alright without me?" Kurogane asked softly and immediately Fay could sense the question hanging behind it.

'_Will you still be here…?'_

"I'll be fine. I'll be here waiting." Fay replied quietly as he gazed into crimson orbs, noticing the calm that settled within once their eyes were locked onto the other. Kurogane feeling that Fay seemed placated enough, pulled away reluctantly. Fay stood on the same spot as he watched Kurogane leave, aware of the moment, of the now where their hearts became incommunicable.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

_A week ago…_

Yuuko fidgeted with the mini CD she held in her hand, a dangerous source of information that could easily manipulate the fate of her life, and present her with a one-way ticket to Heaven or Hell. She had given this much thought and for a long while she had her conscience buried. Now she wants the truth to be out, not that she suddenly found a noble cause for it but it was due to a more selfish reason. She wants a taste of freedom and she was tired of being a cowardly worshipper of freedom. She wants to exult and bask in its glory and for once be greedy for life and not for the love for material objects…so empty they are and what a heavy price she paid for them.

"Do you think this is going to work? He doesn't handle threats well." She asked anxiously thinking of Kanemaru's vindictive character and his complete lack of rectitude.

"If he's afraid for his livelihood and reputation…then it should work." Gin replied as he inserted the CD into his laptop and waited for the file to be churned out.

"He won't hesitate to pull me under." Yuuko said as the file opened and a long list of names, ambiguous addresses and bank accounts popped out on the screen. These are the confidential information of the most influential people in the whole of Japan; it would scandalize the nation if any of this information were to be leaked out to the media.

"What good would that do for him? This is already big enough of a scandal if it gets out. He wouldn't want people to know that he has a mistress assisting him in this!" Gin answered impatiently.

"You don't know what he's capable of."

"And you don't have enough faith in me to know what I'm capable of too!"

"You do understand that the victims may not want to testify against him even if we managed to free them? Some of them might not even be alive."

Gin kept quiet as he allowed his thoughts to settle. What Yuuko said was right. Those men had been imprisoned for so many years in that hell hole, only knowing fear for most of their lives. He wasn't sure if they saw any other way out apart from death. He had never encountered any one as inhumane and perverted as that man. He had seen plenty of ruthless and violent crimes committed in the span of his career as a yakuza but this…nothing was comparable. Not only were these men broken in every sense of the word, they were kept in dirty steel cages in a dunk underground penal complex. They were all being used like animals to satisfy the sexual urges of like minded men, bastards who see no value regarding the life of others. Yuuko told him that some of them were locked in there since they were as young as nine years old, raped and forced to be addicted to cocaine. Gin couldn't help feeling nauseous when he heard that. He may be yakuza but he knows the meaning of honor and mercy very well.

"If worse comes to worse and I can't get you out of this…are you prepared to face the consequences?"

Yuuko looked at him in the eyes, wavering hesitation shown clearly.

"If that's the case…then be it."

"Yuuko…" Gin whispered as he pulled her into a comforting embrace "you didn't do anything. Their circumstances were not caused by you.

"But I did nothing either, I knew what he was doing and I kept quiet, pretend that there was nothing going on."

"And what could you have done? Go to the police? Do you think they would believe you in the first place? He's a politician and it will take much more than mere words to put him behind jail."

"What about you? You are provoking unnecessary trouble too…your father will not be pleased with this."

"My father will support me, I am his only son."

"But you will lose your right as the successor of the group!"

"Then be it. You know I don't desire it." Gin answered "and if sacrificing that will get you your freedom, I say it's worth it." Gin continued as he typed in the email addresses and attached the soft copy of the file that holds the fate of Yuuko. The send icon blinking their fate, this was a road of no return; the email would be reaching various high seated authorities, high profile journalists and Kanemaru himself. This would be out in a matter of hours. As the email was sent Gin wondered if he was being too impulsive, this was clearly not a foolproof plan. He hadn't even thought of how to bail them out of this. He was right to think that he is not cut out for the position his father groomed him for. He always realizes his failures much too late.

"Where do I go now? No where is safe for me in Tokyo."

"I'll bring you to Asami. He's a long time acquaintance of mine and it's time he return his favor."

"Asami…? Asami Ryuichi?" Yuuko asked in disbelieve.

"Yes…you heard of him before?"

"Asami…I think they had some dealings too. What kind I'm not too sure…He's not someone to trifle with"

"He's not into those kinds of stuff."

"What makes you think he would help?"

"Like I said…he owns me a favor." Gin said as an arrogant smirk twisted the corners of his lips.

oooooooooooooooooooooo

His fist clenched and the pen snapped in his tightening grasp, his mind refusing to believe what he was looking at. The information scrolled down his screen, the green luminescent wordings seemed to be reading out his sentence. How did this happen?

Of course, there could only be her…_that bitch! _She was gone, leaving nothing behind only a stunning absence. He would give her due credit. She gave away no signs, no signs at all.

Perhaps it was not the curious doubts that clung at the back of his mind, serving as a warning of the imminent betrayal that should not be unexpected. Maybe it was the person performing it that caused such irreparable damage and hurt. He was sure no amount of preparation whatsoever could have helped soften the blow or pain he was feeling right this moment. Could he have miscalculated so badly and placed such faith on a person unwarranted to receive them? No…the blame should not be upon him. Women were devious creatures, naturally, and he should not have expected this one to be of any difference. Her audacity still shocked him though. He would never have thought that she had the guts to seek an alliance with the Tsukasa family.

Did she think that she could escape so easily? What could Tsukasa do for her? She was in no position to negotiate with him. They belong to the underworld, not this righteous world that they exist in. Who would believe in the doings of the yakuza? If he was feeling generous, he might allow her some leeway to flee the country. But he would make sure that she lived her life out as a fugitive and if there were valid reasons for him to believe his reputation and career is still in jeopardy, he will hunt her down like a petty criminal she had made herself to be. He will end her life if it was necessary. The kumicho of Tsukasa will do nothing. She isn't worth the trouble and she definitely could not be used as a pawn in their ambitious plans to rule all the yakuza in Japan.

She had landed herself on the wrong boat.

How could she be so ungrateful? Hadn't he given her everything she need? He had handed everything to her on a silver platter, success, wealth and fame that only a woman could dream about. He even tolerated her numerous affairs. He did not ask much of her only her undying loyalty in return. The woman's intelligence and wits has been a lever to his rise ever since the start of his political career. She was one who never hesitated to provide an _extra_ push in the right direction, having no qualms in using her body as a political trading tool.

To lose such a great aide would cause a great dent in his career; add to the fact that she has access to his most secret information. Not that she could escape if she ever spilled the beans, she is an accomplice after all. If nothing, she was stained with the same blackness and evil.

He stared at the screen of his computer for a long while, trying to formulate an idea on how to counter this surprising attack they had came up with. He supposed the only son of Tsukasa would be a more prickly matter to tend to first. He was after all…infatuated with his woman.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

The man standing in front of the French windows glanced at the glass scrutinizing the expression of the man behind through the reflection. He squared his broad shoulders and breathed out, his left arm stuck in his pocket and his right hand with his smoke but one should not be fooled by the lax stance. The uninterested face suggesting an air of indifference and practiced negligence was not entirely a giveaway to what his mind was thinking right now. He turned halfway, his eyes glancing behind hawk like, poised and all together radiating too much confidence and prestige that would make an average man quake, his haughty arrogance made it seemed as if everything else was supposed to fall at his feet and spoke in a colorless and frigid deep voice.

"Do you understand what you're asking of me?" he asked as he puffed on the omni-present cigarette that hung between his fingers and turned fully to face the man behind him, leveled his eyes with Tsukasa's with a challenging glint. Gin met it head on; he knew that was the only way to get Ryuichi to take him seriously. Any signs of weakness and Ryuichi would have him hoisted out without second thoughts.

Asami smirked when he noticed the man didn't shrivel away from him. That was the man he knew when he assisted him in his crazy attempt to save Takaba when he was taken by one of his rivals in Hong Kong. He had grown well; the kumicho's disciplinary measures worked. He presented himself with the dignity of a leader instead of the impulsive and easily agitated young boy he met years ago. In fact, he was pretty similar to an impulsive and reckless photographer with passionate piercing amber eyes equipped with a ferocious temper. Asami toyed with the idea of having the Tsukasa boy as his lover instead and found himself tickled by the thought of Takaba's reaction. What a difference that would have been. He would have a capable lover who could help him with his other operations instead of having one who needs to be constantly tracked on his whereabouts. But as it is, the Tsukasa boy does not appeal to his sexual side.

"I presumed you still remember the favor you own me." Gin queried with a suspicious glint in his eyes. It was never good when Asami carried that kind of expression. No matter how serious the man might look, his inner mind was filled with a certain deviousness that would embarrass any decent grown man.

"And I see that you dare remember," Asami replied with a sinister tilt at the corner of his lips "do you know how to play solitaire?"

Tsukasa did a double take with that random question and nodded as he sat down on the heavily ornamental carved cherry wood armchair, his body sinking into its luxurious softness making him seemed smaller than he is and he feels suddenly insignificantly smaller and overpowered by Asami's aura.

"Do you know that in solitaire cards don't really have a value and chance plays little or no part in the game?" Asami continued oblivious to Tsukasa's obvious discomfort.

"What are you trying to say?"

"My favorite is the spider solitaire…there's no re-deal…if you understand the rules of the game."

Gin's eyes narrowed.

"What are you trying to say?"

"You're a smart guy. I don't have to put everything down for you. Do I?"

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

"Has anyone from the media contacted us yet?" Kurogane asked, a frown deeply etched onto his forehead.

"I believe Shigure has spoken to one of them." Takahashi answered as he claimed the keys from his superior's fingers, unlocked the car and started the engine. Kurogane raised no protest as he allowed Takahashi to take over the front wheel. He thought about the possibilities of keeping this incident at a low profile

"Did you know what transpired between them?"

"No, he was in his office…then he came out really mad and asked me to get you back to work."

"Ok…"

"What are we going to do next?

"I'll contact Yuko first and see what's going on. Whoever that wrote the story wouldn't have known what happened between us…" Kurogane said as he pulled out the phone and dialed the number on his speed dial. He frowned when the call went unanswered for the fifth time.

Shigure was still pacing the office with a horrendous scowl on his face when they arrived. He threw a quick glance at the pair entering his office and went back to his sit with an angry huff.

"I trust that you've settled your personal affairs and would have time enough to take care of this." Shigure said briskly with intonations of lamentation thick in his voice.

"Shigure…"

"It's fine Takahashi, I'm much at fault for neglecting my duties at work and I apologize to both of you."

Shigure studied the apologetic face of his partner and sighed inwardly. He supposed everyone's bound to screw up sometimes…even himself. It wouldn't kill him to cut the guy some slack.

"So you have idea what might be going on?" Shigure asked. The three of them looked at each other, the knowledge that none of them knows exactly what was going on irked all of them greatly.

"I tried calling Yuuko…her line's busy."

"Anyone else then?"

"Do you have any chance of knowing anybody who has contacts to the Tsukasa?"

"Yakuza? She's involved with the Yakuza now?" Shigure exclaimed with an incredulous expression "I want nothing to do with her if that's the case."

"How could you say that? This involves our company!"

"Well, if you've enough sense to keep away from her in the first place, all this wouldn't have happened!"

Takahashi's mind did a number on that sentence. It seems things were getting rather interesting around here what with all the scandals and revelations of his superior surfacing. He would never have thought Kurogane to be a bi…

"Look we're not talking about my personal life here!" Kurogane's voice turning threateningly dark.

"Isn't _this _personal?" Shigure bit out through clenched teeth.

"Hey!" Takahashi yelled as he observed the air crackled with animosity "This is not the time for us to be arguing against each other!"

Kurogane and Shigure stopped in mid-rant as they glared at Takahashi, not knowing if they are more surprised or offended by his outburst.

"Has a statement been released to the press yet?"

"Yes."

"I don't think this will get too big. After all, I really don't have any connections with whatever senator Kanemaru has done."

"I don't trust that woman…who knows what she'll say to get herself out of this."

A hurt look flashed across Kurogane's expression.

"She's not that kind of person." He said before he walked out of Shigure's office and turned into his.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

He took a sip of the bitter dark liquid, it was not a beverage he favors but it was a necessity for professions such as his. He sighed as he went through the passage for the hundredth time. He still couldn't figure out what happened and it was made all the more frustrating because he still couldn't get hold of Yuuko and her apartment has been cleared. He stood up and took a deep breathe as he stretched his arms above him. Maybe he should go home first.

There was still unfinished business at home.

Blondie was still waiting for him.

TBC

**Press Statement**

This follows untrue allegations published in Asahi Shinbun that Ryuken & Partners Law Firm was involved with the alleged illegal activities that Senator Kanemaru was accused of.

We would like to reiterate that the reports in the article are not factual and highly inaccurate and as a consequence may be defamatory. We are secure in our knowledge of the _innocence, t_he good reputation, integrity and honor of our firm. If that opinion has been formed on statement of facts not based in evidence, it would be unethical and improper for the tribunal to allow such loose findings to be reported and published.

We request that the tribunal withdraw from the article, all negative references with regards to Ryuken & Partners Law Firm, with propriety and good conscience. Asahi Shinbun being a reputable source of daily news for the people of Japan should not tolerate such sloppy investigations, if any had been done, or assent to such biased report.

Shigure Toshiki

Senior Associate Partner / Attorney

Ryuken & Partner Law Firm


	14. Chapter 15

**Author's notes:**

Was the previous chapter that boring? There weren't many reviews for it…It would be great to know if you guys are still enjoying this fiction so far. I am still waiting for my beta to finish the previous chapters before sending her the recent chapters, so please forgive me for any mistakes that will be found here. Thanks to everyone who left a review and to my beta who took up the offer to go through the tedious process of editing such long chapters.

The frigid wind awakens me

From fitful dreams

As my hand traveled to

The other side of the bed

Without warmth

Without you

- Cattyfuzzy

_oOooOo_

_**Excerpt from The Vintner's Luck**_

_You fainted and I caught you. It was the first time I'd supported a human. You had such heavy bones. I put myself between you and gravity. _

_Impossible. _

_oOooOo_

**The Continuality of Existence **

**Chapter 13**

Fay scrolled down the screen taking note of the major headlines in recent weeks, trying to figure out which exactly was the news that got the red eye man so flustered. On his other hand, he fidgeted with the phone wondering if he should make a call to Kurogane. It has been more then forty eight hours, he wasn't home yet and there were no phone calls or messages left for him even. It was such a foreign feeling to be so worried for someone else. He did not like it one bit.

He finally saw it after an hour's search…what dire implications. Does this have to do with the woman Kurogane used to see? If so, how could she do this to someone she used to care about? But he was nobody to question what happened in the past between them, because if it came down to it, he was the one who had caused their separation. Maybe she was getting him involved as an act of revenge? He felt himself getting angrier as more details were revealed in the article. He wasn't ignorant of what would happen to the boys when they were captured for such purposes and it pushed the innate fear within him to surface again.

So many questions swirled around him…how could Kurogane so willingly be involved with a woman who has a hand in such despicable acts? Did he know in the first place? If he knew what was going on…what exactly did he feel about him? Is he being treated as what those boys are? His grip on the phone tightens and the scalding feel of tears came to his eyes again. Why was he such a fool to believe that he could ever be happy?

He shut the screen of the laptop and went back to his room; there wasn't any point on reading further.

Kurogane slipped in quietly through the door, noting the darkness of the room and knowing the blonde would probably be asleep by now. He padded along the corridor that led to their bedrooms and peered into the blonde's moonlit room. The slender silhouette covered in a mound of thick velvet blankets made him smile. The blonde was still here. This is the sight he would love to come home to every night, to know that someone will be at home waiting peacefully for him. No matter how bad his day had been, such domestic settings comforted him in ways he never have thought it would, his troubles seemingly evaporated.

He stepped into the room towards the blonde's bed and knelt down next to it, his hand automatically reaching out for those soft golden locks. He laid his head gently beside the pillow and took a deep breathe, savoring the sweet scent of the blonde. Fay stirred as he felt warm long fingers carding through his hair. Kurogane was home. He tilted his head up slowly from beneath the thick blanket that was covering half of his face. Despite his earlier momentary depression, relief flooded through him upon seeing the red eye man's face. He saw the tiredness and worry reflected in the dark ruby eyes, and thought better of raising the doubts that are now deeply seated in his mind.

"I'm sorry for not calling…things were a little complicated." Kurogane said in apology.

Fay forced a smile and hoped that it was reassuring enough.

"It's fine." He replied softy.

Kurogane gazed at the blonde's delicate features, a vain effort to disguise his own worries and he felt guilt squeezed at his heart. It wasn't just two days ago that he had professed his feelings and promised the blonde happiness yet within a blink of an eye, he had forgotten the words he said. He had left the blonde alone in a jumbled mess of confusion. He was so absorbed with Yuuko's predicament he had not even bothered to make a phone call. Some man he is…when will he ever learn?

"No. It's not okay and you're not fine. You must be mad at me or something and if you're, you should just say so. Show whatever you're feeling inside here…" Kurogane said as his hand traveled beneath the blankets and rested itself over Fay's chest, on the area above his heart, "so that I can understand how to love you better." He said knowing fully well how much of a handicap the blonde was at expressing his emotions and thoughts. This was something he intends to change in their relationship.

Fay's lids closed on their own accord as the heart-wrenching pain gripped him again. He couldn't decide if Kurogane was being sincere or if it was an act. He regretted his nosiness. He should have left what he didn't know alone. Now everything was messed up and every stable perspective he managed to gain was slipping away.

Or was it simply because he could never learn how to trust?

"I…I feel disappointed…" Fay whispered as he buried himself into the mound of beddings, away from that warm hand seeking to drive away the ability from him to stay awake.

Kurogane withdrew his hand as he stood up. Obviously Fay was more upset then he let on. He sigh softly…it was going to be another long night.

"Can you wait up for me? I'm going to take a shower…" he asked and stood there for a moment waiting for the blonde to acknowledge his question. He moved away when the silence emanating from the blonde was too much to withstand.

He relaxed his muscles and let the hot water worked its magic on tense shoulders, tilting his head back and stretching his arms above his head. He thought about what to say to Fay, it was definitely inexcusable…his behavior for the past couple of days…but was it really enough to cause such disappointment the blonde was feeling? He did not think so…he twisted the tap vehemently in his frustration and stomp out of the shower, grabbing a towel that was hanging from the rack and wrapped it around his waist without bothering to wipe himself dry. The cold left in the air pricked at his skin like needles

Fay waited impatiently as he listened to the rush of water echoing down the hallway, he twisted his body so that he was now facing the door. His drifting eyes lingered on the sharp angled shadows drawn from the fluorescent light of the bathroom, through the darkness he could make out the form of Manju laying down infront of the bathroom door, waiting for his master to exit. He wonders if that was how it was to love someone, that blind loyalty that only people in love or the fanatically religious could display and cultivate. One would constantly wait with expectation and unwavering affections no matter what truths had been revealed about the ones they loved. Even through the hurt and disappointment, he still couldn't bring himself to feel the slightest bit of loathing for the red eye man…

But was what he was feeling truly love or just the need to be dependent on someone? It seems like he will always be troubled with these incessant thoughts…

He cut off the line of thoughts when he heard the door of the bathroom opening, and a few seconds later the figure of Kurogane walked out and headed into the bedroom next to his. His eyes were momentarily graced with tanned skin, a perfectly toned body with well formed limbs that spiked up his temperature. He flushed in the dark, embarrassed and mortified that the man's partially naked body could make him feel so…so warm at this inappropriate moment. He relaxed himself as he heard the red eye man fumble about in the drawers for clothing; at least he didn't have to be distracted by sun bronzed skin while they were talking.

Kurogane put on a soft cotton tee and a pair of black boxers before he padded softly across to the bedroom next to his. He sat on the bed with Manju following behind, and sat beside the prone figure which appeared to be asleep but he knew better. The blonde was too preoccupied to fall back into a peaceful slumber. In an act of unaccustomed familiarity, he placed his hand gently on the curve of the blonde's waist and felt the expected flinch.

"Do you still want to talk?" Kurogane asked.

Fay tossed the request back and forth in his mind for a while. Finally he pushed himself up to face the red eye man and almost faltered when he saw the tenderness in those eyes. But he wanted his doubts to be answered tonight, he had been through enough confusion and worries for the past two days.

"I saw the news article…" Fay answered bluntly not knowing how to be tactile about broaching the subject. Not thinking that it was necessary, "I just wanted to know if you're involved with …with whatever that they are doing."

Kurogane drew in a sharp breathe and felt like he had just been slapped in the face as he recognized the underlying tones of accusation. Although he understood the justifications about the blonde harboring such assumptions, he felt insulted and indignant about it. The thought of how unfair the judgment was on him left a bitter aftertaste in his mouth, and it anger him greatly that his integrity was doubted when he had already shown as much to the blonde.

"You'd think that of me with merely a few words written by a stranger rather then trust what your eyes have seen and what your heart has felt?" he asked with a cold detached anger tremulous in his voice.

Fay blinked as looked into Kurogane's blazing eyes, realizing the truth in the question asked within seconds. He blanched at his own foolish impulsiveness for thinking about the red eye man in such a way and he gripped the bed sheet hard, fisting the fabric tightly in his fingers.

"I…"

"Don't ever think that of me…not from you Fay…" Kurogane whispered as he stood and walked out of the room with a great sense of reluctance. As irate as he was, he knew it would be better to leave Fay alone to think it through and sooth his insecurities.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Sakura beamed at the sight of Manju skidding across the linoleum flooring in his excitement to get to her. She lifted the paper bag in her right hand high up to the level of her shoulders, not wanting to risk damaging the gifts inside. She cooed and squealed at the same time as Manju leaped all over her and slobbered her with his long wet tongue, from behind Manju a familiar deep chuckled broke out.

"Hey, look who's back."

"Hey yourself! Help get your dog off me!" Sakura reprimanded without real reproach, glad to see the man she loved as a brother.

Kurogane released a sharp and short whistle and immediately Manju dropped and sat back on his hind legs, his tail still thumping the floor loudly. The dog swung his head back and forth between its master and Sakura, imploring adorably for its master to give him the permission again to welcome one of his favorite human. Kurogane laughed at its antics before walking forward and enveloping Sakura in a bear hug.

"I miss you too…Kurogane," Sakura said as she was released "how is Daniel? How have both of you been?" she asked as she passed the paper bag to Kurogane's outstretched hand. The tired bags under his eyes did not escape her; she couldn't help but noticed that something was amiss.

"We're fine…" he replied without elaboration as he fussed with the contents in the bag, flipping and shaking each exquisitely wrapped box trying to figure out what was inside. Sakura frowned slightly at the false nonchalance that tinged his voice.

"Where's Daniel?" she asked casually as she kept her eyes focused on the red eye man's features.

"…he's still asleep…he had a tiring night studying for his test, why don't we let him rest a bit more?" Kurogane answered.

Sakura hadn't missed the slight pause before the answer. But she knew she shouldn't push, Kurogane is the kind of person who will talk only when he's willing to do so.

"Alright…" Sakura replied as she placed the canvas bag she was carrying on her shoulder onto the kitchen counter, "hungry?"

Kurogane nodded as he maneuvered himself onto one of the tall chairs, starting a meaningless but funny conversation with Sakura immediately. He knew she sensed something wrong but he also knows that she is not the kind to pry when it wasn't her business. They fall back into their easy flow of conversation with the sounds of normalcy filling the apartment again. It was such a welcome change for Kurogane. He had not realized how much he needed this…Everything for the past few weeks were straining him and without a respite from it all, he failed to see how affected he was. He was tired and drained mentally, physically. He had not had a good rest ever since Fay went off that day and now with Yuuko's case in a knot he was sure that a good night's sleep would be out of his reach still, not to mention that he was also still smarting from Fay's general distrust towards him.

Sometimes, it was all he could do to not give up and he wondered why he couldn't just ever like a normal person instead…

Fay woke up to the delicious scent of food wafting in from the kitchen and a familiar voice he hadn't heard for a while. He broke into a smile. He had forgotten that Sakura was due back at work today. As usual, her cheerful voice never fails to lift him out of whatever funk he was experiencing at the moment. He clambered out of the too soft bed and beddings that threatened to drown him within their sinful warmth, and remembered who had got him those. The red eye man had pulled him into a departmental store one fine day after finally having had enough of watching him shiver beneath the comforter he used to have, and of course his own stubborn capacity of enduring every discomfort in silence. Kurogane had almost bought him every single jacket and beddings he could lay his hands on then.

He really had made a mistake this time. If the red eye man didn't care about him, why would he go through all that trouble? Why would he be so concerned? He had doubted a man who willingly left his morals, beliefs and who had mustered a barrel full of fool's courage to love him. All that fool got in return was his distrust and skepticism.

'_Arrghh…' _Fay groaned inwardly in his head as guilt tore through him and he slapped both his hands over his face. He was a fool…They were both fools…Fay lifted his head and lowered his arms. He had caused a crack in the relationship even before it even had a chance to bloom.

"Hey…are you ok?"

Fay startled as his head snapped up and he saw Kurogane standing at his bedroom door. He sat there at his bed, not knowing what to do, like a little child who had lost his way home. He never knew what to do. Kurogane stepped forward, the tray of food in his hand forgotten as he placed it casually on the bedside table, when he noticed how distraught the blonde looked. He advanced slowly towards the blonde. His heart quickening and worry gripped at him. He shook his head at himself inwardly because it seems that no matter how annoyed at the blonde he was, he just could not stop caring for him.

"Fay…" he called out as he knelt infront of the blonde, tipping his head to able himself to see the blonde's expression better. He took in the lost look on the blonde's face and fought the urge to wrap his arms around that delectable frame, "talk to me…"

Fay turned his gaze towards those crimson eyes and in it he saw again the tender emotions brought on by him. He knows he will always make painful and crass errors such as this in future, and that awareness was no consolation at all. Life seems to be jinxed at every turn for him no matter how positive he tries to be. He feels himself falling into the whirlpool once again when he realized his anxieties regarding this relationship were very real indeed.

All of a sudden, happiness seemed miles away again and he fears he could no longer recapture the simple bliss he felt just days ago.

"This is not going to work Kurogane…you can't deal with my insecurities…it's not fair for you. I don't know how to be grateful."

Kurogane clenched his jaw tight and took a deep breathe in an attempt to regulate his rising emotions. He knows that these scenarios will be oft in future, and he must be the one who has to learn how to be in control and maneuver the situation into a non-threatening plane to the blonde's psyche.

"Fay, you need to know that you can't read my mind. It's not fair for you to assume how I feel," he said gently "I don't need you to be grateful to me…that's not what I want from you. I need you to learn how to love instead...learn how to fall in love with me."

"You aren't angry about what I said last night?" Fay asked surprised.

"I'd be lying if I said I wasn't but I understand that you can't help it either. It's partly my fault too that I did not speak to you about in the first place." Kurogane said as he finally gave in to his longings and pulled the blonde into a hug. He smiled as he felt the blonde relaxed against him. There was at least that much of an improvement.

Fay nuzzled his nose against the firm tendons that run along beneath the skin of the red eye man's neck, strength…this was what he needed and this is what Kurogane is able to give him. A relentless and dependent flow that he can draw from when faced with his own weakness. Fay smiled when he realized that his heart was not wrong and that the red eye man could always so easily dispel his worries. He breathed out gently as he whispered Kurogane's name in a gesture of thanks, letting the warm puff of air fan across smooth, heated skin.

Kurogane tighten his grasp around the blonde's slender waist as he tried chivalrously to suppress the shudders traveling down his spine. He pulled away slowly and let his hands slither from the blonde's waist, feeling the fabric rustled beneath his fingers and the catching the slight quickening of the blonde's breathing, before stopping at that graceful ivory neck to thumb the blonde's jawline reverently. He let his thumbs grazed past soft cheeks and pliant lips, all the while looking into the depths of the blonde's eyes, quietly imploring for permission to taste those delicate lips.

Fay raised his hands to cover the red eye man's larger ones as his lips parted slightly, and he leaned unconsciously forward in silent acquiescence. The immediate heat tearing through his body was not something he could comprehend…yet…and he had never felt such a need to be physically close to anyone before. He could not pinpoint the origin source of his thirst and that frustrates him greatly. Was this feeling called desire? If it is, should he feel ashamed for wanting it all the time from this one man? But he was not spared a moment longer for his thoughts as warm lips descended upon his…a gentle prodding that turned more demanding as his lips were pushed wider apart.

The smooth texture of an eager tongue exploring him, tentatively with such restrains touches him. Those lips that are pressed against his poured a sweet river of burning honey down to the very centre of his being…fueling the strange heat that was beginning to churn below his guts and encouraging the sensation of arousal. Fay couldn't help but moan and whimpered into the kiss as he fought to control the rising tide of desire swiping through him, numbing his mind and making his movements lucid. He clang on tighter to Kurogane's hands as he pressed his upper body flushed against that well-defined torso, and that made him dizzier because he could now feel the incredible scorching heat transferring from Kurogane's body to his.

Fay couldn't decide if he was burning in hell or if he was being pleasured in heaven.

Kurogane could barely rein in his control when he heard the blonde whimpered in need; his mind was awash with a sudden spike of hormones, adrenaline and endorphins. The sensation of arousal was pushing his manhood to a painful erection. He panicked for a second because it was not a respond he wanted to encourage from his body. He wanted to take things slow and hopefully not scare the blonde too badly with his ardent advances and with little luck, to not let the blonde remember anything traumatic from the past. But all was lost when he felt the blonde pushed against him. He groaned out his helplessness as his hands left the blonde's neck and plunged into the silky mess of golden strands, pulling Fay ever closer to him. He groaned again when the blonde showed no signs of resistance to his aggressive gesture.

They might have advanced further into something more private and passionate, an act that had to be performed behind closed doors if not for the _timely_ intervention of Sakura…whom both men had forgotten was in the apartment.

"Oh…oh…I…er…I didn't know…" Sakura sputtered as she absorbed the scene presented infront of her. The compromising position of the two men told her everything she needed to know, and in the background she thought she heard Kurogane muttering expletives with heavy breathes as he pulled away from the delicious warmth of the blonde.

Fay froze in embarrassment as he stared wide-eyed at Sakura's shock expression. He really had not plan on her learning about them in such a manner. He was vaguely aware of Kurogane reaching out beside him for a pillow to cover his loins as he stood up slowly.

He blushed some more when he realized the reason why.

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Sakura was having trouble suppressing the tremors racking though her body; it was just too amusing she mused to herself as she looked at the two men with tomato red faces sitting infront of her. She was really beyond surprised to learn how far their relationship had developed and about Kurogane's sexual orientation. She found it hard to believe that he could be interested in a man after all the women he had been with. Perhaps it was possible if one lived in constant proximity with someone as beautiful as Fay, it was a shallow thought but who could resist those alluring, enigmatic features? She also can't help feeling a little offended that Kurogane had emitted those details from her.

"So…care to share with me on what's going on?" She asked with a mischievous smirk.

Kurogane didn't deign to answer and threw her a glare that would have…_would have_…most men trembling at their knees. She waved it off with another smirk and turned to the blonde instead but she changed her mind when she noticed how tensed and uncomfortable he was.

"Look…," Kurogane said with an exasperated huff "whatever you saw today, you will not speak of it to my mother. I really don't need her to know about this."

"What am I supposed to say when I don't know anything?" Sakura replied with an ignorant shrug of her shoulders.

"There's a lot you don't know about Daniel and I hope you'll not treat him any differently after hearing what I'll be telling you…"

"Hey, I don't discriminate against gays alright…"

"It's not that…," Kurogane said as he turned and directed the line of his conversation towards Fay "would you be agreeable, if I were to tell her about your past? I think she has the right to know."

Fay looked at Kurogane as he considered the question and the consequences of letting yet another person learned about such confidential information regarding his past; would it be against the agreement that got him here in the first place?

"Will you be ok with it?" Kurogane asked again.

Fay searched for the strength he had learned to draw from those crimson eyes. He wanted to regain the faith lost earlier and he nodded his agreement.

He will trust whoever Kurogane trusts.

"I'll leave you alone to speak to Sakura then?" he asked politely, knowing that they would have other things to catch up on after her trip.

"No…stay with us…we can't talk about you without you around." Kurogane replied as he reached across the empty space and grabbed Fay's hand, giving a light squeeze of reassurance.

Sakura watched the interaction with an incredible sense of fondness; she might hold slight skepticism regarding Kurogane's feelings toward the blonde. But the look that he has in his eyes right now…that expression…she couldn't doubt that.

She could tell that the red eye man was really serious this time.

"Ok, I'm ready now…spill everything and don't leave out the juicy details." She said cheerfully, not knowing the tragic tale that was about to be revealed to her.

Sakura left the apartment building with a strange melancholy surrounding her. She was sure the reaction was caused by the blonde's tragic past. She couldn't imagine how anyone would have survived so much suffering, humiliation and guilt. She couldn't deny the horror she felt when she was told that Fay has been convicted of murder but that horror disappeared after she learned what had brought on that tragic incident. A newfound respect towards the blonde welled up within her, sympathy was aplenty but she was sure Fay needed none of it. He must be burdened enough with the blood of his parents on his hands. But what a burden it was for such a gentle, frail soul…

She wiped at the tears that had welled up at the corner of her eyes and scoffed at herself for crying. How could she be so weak when she has yet to experience life's bitterness? Life and humanity…they hold such irony and such torment…but see past the present and the confusing intervals in between, one will see hope lingering beyond the silver lining. She wished with her heart that Fay would be able to really leave behind those intimate sorrows and embrace the new life that Kurogane had offered to him.

And while bestowing her blessings to her dear friends, she in turn promised herself to live a better life and to stop taking things for granted because she knows now not everybody has the opportunity to lead a happy one. Not everyone was lucky to live through life untainted…

TBC

**Meeting of Sorts**

Asami glanced at the woman with a hooded gaze…trouble…it was radiating from all over her. He did not like her one bit and he had to wonder just why the Tsukasa boy was so enamored with her.

"Just what are you after?" he asked in a clipped tone.

Yuuko flinched from the man's cold tone; she was not enjoying this encounter one bit. It bothers her more to know that she will be under the protection of such a cold man. But there was no doubt about the power and influence this man holds, and right now, he was her only lifeline.

"Don't complicate things…I've ever only wanted the rights to my own life."

"Don't you think it's too heavy a price to pay for your youthful foolishness? I know your story Yuuko…you were too greedy from the start. Now, just because you've grown a conscience, you think that everything can be as simple as walking away?" Asami asked as he sat back on his leather armchair. The imposing elegance of the furniture only enhanced his coldness and commending stature.

"If you're talking Gin giving up his clan for my sake, I'll have you know that I've never asked that of him…and I never will ask it from him," Yuuko replied "and you do not have the right to place such harsh judgments on me when you're also a vermin of this society."

"Do not speak to me as such at least my motives are clear to everyone." Asami said as his voice descended into a freezing whisper.

Yuuko held her breathe as she looked away, she knew she had pushed too far. She flinched and retreated further into her seat when she saw Asami stand and walked towards her general direction. But Asami only walked past her with a dark smirk on his face.

"You should leave now…Takaba's here. He won't be happy to see a woman alone with me."

Yuuko gasped as she noticed the soften expression and a ghost of a smile as the name Takaba was spoken, it left her with no doubt who that person might be to Asami. It also left her feeling a bit awed that _anyone _can manage to capture a heart as cold and jaded as Asami's, to be able to warm up such a harden soul…now that person must have immense tenacity and spirit to withstand Asami's overwhelming presence and aura.

She was just about to take her leave when she saw a young man with piercing brownish amber eyes dressed in skinny black jeans, worn out canvas boots and a vintage tee shirt barging in through the door.

The young man threw a glance at her before striding infront of Asami, demanding in an insolent and somehow _flirtatious _tone on why and what was she doing here in the room when he had agreed on meeting him at this hour.

Asami looked at her, the dark smirk and mischievious glint in his eyes again…

She gave a small bow as she turned to leave.

Behind her, she heard the surprised gasp of the boy who just came in and a rough scuffling of clothes before the door closed.

There was no doubt that was Takaba…


	15. Chapter 16

**Author's notes:**

I think my wandering mind has wandered too far off again with the development of the story. The previous two chapters seemed to have derailed this fiction, as they still serve their purpose and the plot is still going with the main idea, I think I will leave them as it is.

Thanks to everyone who is still following the story, I hope you guys still love it!

Partly inspired by Love Song – Luna Sea and Remember to Forget – Shane Mack

oOooOo

_I once occupy the air that you breathe _

_My visage once filled your sights_

_And you heart used to be mine_

_I am now nothing but the dust of this fragile earth_

_What now occupies that place in your heart?_

_Nothing but spaces without substance…_

_-Cattyfuzzy_

oOooOo

_There is this divide between us that I have no knowledge of ever crossing. I have no faith in your love maybe because I'm of the faithless. Your warm caresses only seek to turn me colder._

_- Cattyfuzzy _

oOooOo

**The Continuality of Existence**

**Chapter 14**

The dark was beckoning to him once again. Those sinister thoughts…the past that simply wouldn't ease those claws that bite into his soul. How many times does he have to go through this? The relentless cycle of time kept pushing him onwards and he was still running blind without a destination. Sometimes he felt like throwing up his hands or, the white flag and surrender in every form possible, just to stop feeling that guilt and detach that monster within him. He failed to gather the different façades of himself and they were pulling him in all directions. He was master of nothing, not his heart, not his mind, not his soul and not his will. But he has a dream now…he wants that dream, and he would chase it without a sense of limitation, without a sense of reality.

For a while, he was at peace as he sorted out the confusions of his emotions…but the voices are coming back. The whispers were back again, stronger with every passing second, minute and day. The deaths upon his soul hung around him like thick blobs of amoebas, robbing the oxygen from him, ousting life from him. They want the world to see the truth and they wanted him to know that there is no way to hide it. He couldn't play pretend and forget that nothing had ever happened before. He couldn't continue this other life without finding forgiveness. And there was no one left to dole out forgiveness to him….He stared longingly at the figure asleep on the couch, this man whom had attempted to bring happiness into his life and had given him a ray of hope…this man who was his dream to reach for.

Perhaps dreams are only the sweetest where they first started.

He let his fingers card through those soft jet black hair and glanced at the laptop that was left on, details of the Tsukasa family were on the screen which means Yuuko was still unfound. He felt a sting of jealousy for the amount of worry shown for an ex-lover, and then he scoffed at himself for allowing such unbecoming behavior to overcome him. He reached across and pushed the screen of the laptop down before heading to the kitchen where Sakura was preparing to leave. Things had pretty much returned to normal after their developing relationship had been revealed and he was grateful for her silent acceptance.

"He's had a long day, was that a new case he was busy with?" Sakura asked.

Fay shook his head gently, he thought briefly about informing Sakura of Yuuko's predicament, but it was not his story to tell. Kurogane had not seemed to show any intentions of letting her know either.

"It's alright I know some stuff are confidential in his line," Sakura replied as she heaved her bag over her shoulders and walked towards the main door "you don't have to send me off. I will see you after the weekend." She continued with a smile as she slipped her feet into her ankle boots and left. Fay returned her greeting before heading back to the couch where Kurogane was still asleep. He stroked the head of soft black hair again and went back to his room to collect his coat before he was out of the apartment too. If forgiveness could not be found and given, maybe he could seek salvation in another way. If he could not save himself from the cruel tramples of life, maybe he could spare someone else of it.

oooooooooooooooooooooooo

The cab driver kept checking his rear view mirror and wondered how in anyway this gentle looking foreigner was involved with one of the biggest Yakuza in Japan. He recognized the address immediately…anyone running the streets for that many years would know of course. But he was only a mediocre speck of existence in the bigger picture of things to come so he had learn how not to question the unusual proceedings he had come to witness during the span of his career. He drove silently and stopped a few meters away from the main gate and with a slight bow of his head, said goodbye to the blonde.

Fay trudged up the remaining few steps of the steep slope and in halting Japanese greeted the stoic looking man standing guard at the gate. He was barely spared a glance. He stood in the same spot for a few minutes when he realized that was all to their short exchange and he was being ignored.

"I need to speak to someone who knows about Yuuko-san." He tried again and this time he managed to get a terse restrained twitch from guard. They had obviously heard of her name and he was glad that he made the right choice in coming here. He hoped he will not anger the red eye man with such hasty decisions but it was the only assistance he could offer. And somehow, due to the disturbing nature of this issue that was so closely linked to his past, he found that he could not resist the temptation of knowing more. He couldn't image and didn't want anyone suffering the same pain as he did.

He listened on as the guard spoke rapidly through the earpiece with a weary glare thrown his way and within seconds he was escorted into the sprawling expense of property. He was shown into a small study and was left alone after being told to wait. He explored the sparsely furnished study and noted the amount of ring files labeled with names of what he could only presumed as clubs and some other obscure companies. Why had they shown him into a room where confidential materials were kept? It occurred to him at that point that he might have been too rash to have come here alone, without leaving a note to anyone. He wasn't sure where the Tsukasa stand in this case and he didn't understand the full nature of their business and involvement. Was he placing himself in the line of danger?

Gin looked at the screen showing transmitted feeds from the security camera of the foreigner waiting in the study. He wondered who the slender looking blonde could be and how was he connected with Yuuko. The blonde did not look like he was in anyway connected to the police, nor did he look like a nosy journalist. As he took in the worn out looking collar of a tee-shirt peeping out from beneath the collar of the elegant coat that he was wearing and the odd combination of old army boots, Gin briefly wondered if that boy was a runaway. It might be possible; he knew those bastards had some boys taken from Prussia and the Czech Republic. He had to be a runaway…that was the only way he could have heard of Yuuko's name. If he was a runaway…was he trying to get something out from them…was he trying to seek revenge by going through Yuuko?

Gin glanced sideways at the guard…he will have to speak with the man in order to know more.

"Was there anyone else that was with him?"

"No sir, he came in alone…in a cab." The guard answer with his head bowed.

"Nothing on him then?" Gin asked again.

The guard shook his head.

"I'm going in then." Gin said as he walked out of the tiny room at the end of the corridor and headed towards the study.

"I heard that you are looking for someone…who do you work for? State your intentions clearly now or you won't leave this place alive." The man with jet black hair and a scar on his lip said with a manacing grin on his face, his voice holds the promises of the threats he fully intended to make real. Fay met his eyes and couldn't stop the pity welling up in his heart…these men who hold on to such shallow beliefs of power. He didn't fear them, he despise them. He had seen many of them in prison all with the same view and it was sad because they failed to realize that no matter how powerful they were, they were not above the law or some other ironic form of poetic justice.

"I need to know where Yuuko is…" Fay said as best as he could in Japanese.

"Who is she to you?" Gin replied.

"I don't know her personally but I have a friend who needs her help." Fay replied.

"Help?" Gin enquired darkly as he took the seat at the front of the desk "You think you can ask for it just like that?"

Fay eyes widen as he looked at Gin and realized how naïve he was as the truth hit him hard in the face. He came here without any valid reasons and without an identity that would move mountains in their world; they would do nothing for him. But he needs to know and he wanted answers to something that was already set in motion a long time ago. Gin scrutinized that unique fine features with that crestfallen expression, despite that weary guarded look, he couldn't detect any signs of deceit from that person. Maybe he was just being overtly suspicious, not everyone was as complicated as he thought they were. But years in his world had taught him one thing: precaution is never too much and to accept fear is also a form of self preservation.

"Tell me what are your motives and how did you know about Yuuko…then we will talk some more."

"Yuuko is my…she is my friend's ex-lover."

"What's the name?" Gin asked even as images of a red eye man he met a couple of months ago at the club where he had first met Yuuko.

"Ryuken…Kurogane Ryuken."

"Oh…him…" Gin replied as the gears started turning in his mind. He thought about the new person in the red eye man's life Yuuko had mentioned some time back after her break-up. Well…that's why the blonde was here, probably trying to help Kurogane get out of the fix set up by Kanemaru.

"We aren't the ones trying to implicate that lawyer. You are looking at the wrong place."

"That's not what I came here for. I need to know where Yuuko is…Kurogane is very worried about her."

"She's safe. He doesn't have to worry about that." Gin replied as he kept his eyes fixed on the blonde, observing his every movement and expression.

Fay stood there not moving as if his mere existence could will a few more morsels of information from the man, but he know it won't be happening so he gave a slight bow and made to leave.

"Why didn't he come down himself if he was really worried about her?"

Fay hesitated for a moment as he thought about the question. It rings true whatever answers he has would only seem to be defense on behalf of Kurogane and that would not do because he needed to gain the trust of this man infront of him.

"He has his reasons…anymore interaction with any of you could only add to his suspicion." Fay answered hoping fervently that it was what the wakagashira wanted to hear.

Gin look at Fay with renewed eyes…the blonde was not as simple as he seemed. The guarded gaze and knowing look bespoke of years of hardships and harsh lessons learned in life. Gin was curious…

"What's your name?"

"Fay Flowright."

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Kurogane woke up with only the city night lights setting the apartment alit in a soft glow. He looked around the apartment with bleary eyes searching for the other occupant with blonde hair, a familiar fear coursing through him again when he found the apartment empty. He grabbed his mobile and dialed the first number on the speed dial listening with increasing frustration with every ring that wasn't picked up. The flipped down screen of the laptop was not missed and it did not take long for him to guess what the blonde might have done, and where had he gone to.

"Godamit!" He cried out and ran his hands through his hair in frustration as he fought the blind panic that was about to overwhelm him. How could he been so careless! There were reasons as to why he did not look for Tsukasa personally, mainly because there are too many unseen dangers lurking in the shadows when dealing with the Yakuza. The worse thing was, he still had no idea what role does Tsukasa plays in this. Is he someone whom he could trust because he didn't think Yuuko would frame him? But he was certain the senator has something to do with it. Although he has to say he wasn't the best choice as a scapegoat…no…that was not the senator's main purpose. He was served up only as a distraction to buy time for the senator to plan for his next step, and he had served his purpose well. It was a stroke of luck that this incident didn't destroy his career.

Still he was lost. He was a corporate lawyer and was greatly unaccustomed to the grime nature of crimes such as these. He never had to wrangle with the police or prosecutors and he has never been to prison before to visit a client. He only worked behind and in the safety of his swanky uptown office, talking to clients who are willing to pay up to thousands of dollars for his advice. His other contacts were mostly other lawyers involved in commerce and executives who specializes in the field of finance and insurance. Also there were no slow emerging facts or details of this case which would give him time to digest, it was simply a burst of scandal that might be done to take the media on a joyride as the authorities rushed to investigate the truth of the matter. And he knows that the process will be drawn out and tediously slow. Not because the authorities were inefficient but there were too many red tapes and they were especially sensitive when it comes to dealing with people of Kanemaru's stature.

He pushed himself off the couch, grabbing his keys and coat at the same time before heading out of the apartment. He guessed there wasn't anyway that he could avoid a direct confrontation.

There was something else that worried him too…the boys that were kidnapped and used must have triggered something in the blonde. The possibility of him doing something impulsive was very plausible. He could tell that the nature of the situation has struck too close to the blonde's vulnerable heart and he was sure the injustice suffered by those innocent boys will not be laid to rest so easily. He fears that in the haste of seeking closure, the blonde might lose himself even more. If there was something that he realizes after so much time spent with the blonde, it was the underlying currents of anger…the corroding aroma of an injurious inclination towards revenge.

The blonde's self-inflicting emotional strains was the only thing he could turn to for so many years and it was the only thing keeping him down. But if that deterrent was given fortification with a solid sense of purpose, the monster that Fay so fears will definitely rear it ugly head at the opportune moment. In the end, even if revenge was sought and gained it was not for the intended that had gifted Fay with so much anguish and sorrows, but someone else's whose life should never be crossed. He fears that in the end, the healing wounds on the blonde's heart will forever be green and burdened with an even greater sin.

He drove with a sense of urgency he had never felt before, his heart pounding with anxiety and adrenaline and his mind churning out the different scenarios that could be happening right this moment. Although his instincts told him that the blonde may not be in any mortal danger, he felt that the blonde's meeting with Tsukasa would be an important turning point in his life. As the bright neon lights of the city flashed past his sight, it dawned on him that this fait accompli was simply out of his control. He was a pawn and for now there was nothing he could do until the mastermind makes his next move, till then, he could make good use of the time given to find who his ally is and who is the enemy.

As he entered the neighborhood where the Tsukasa clan resides, he leaned back in the car to organize his thoughts because he realized belatedly that he did not have an ion of a plan. His quick witted mind just couldn't work fast enough when it comes to any situation that involves the blonde. He couldn't just barge into the property of the Yakuza demanding for the release of a lover that wasn't kidnapped. He stopped the car several meters infront of those imposing gates and took a second to reconsider his actions before stepping out of the car.

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

Gin was still in the middle of the conversation with the blonde when his guard interrupted him. He pressed the ear piece closer to his ear as the guard announced the arrival of another uninvited guest. He smiled as he ordered the guard to show his guest in. This unexpected visit from Yuuko's ex-lover had definitely piqued his interest.

"I take it that you have not told Ryuken-san about our little meeting?" Gin asked the blonde

Fay's eyes widen in surprise as Kurogane stepped into the study once Gin ended his sentence. The red eye man didn't even bother to greet Gin, his intense gaze only focused on the blonde.

"We're going back." Kurogane directed his statement to the blonde.

"Aren't you even going to say hello to an old acquaintance?"

"As I recall, we weren't that familiar with each other."

"I would expect that from someone as callous as you." Gin commented as a reference to his break-up with Yuuko.

Kurogane didn't deign to answer as he glared at the young wakagashira; instead he walked towards Fay and pulled him up from the armchair he was seated on. Gin gave a sardonic smile, undaunted by Kurogane's reaction.

"Well, come by again when you're free…Mr. Flowright…"

Kurogane froze in his tracks as he heard Gin addressed Fay by his real identity, a blinding fury and possessiveness he hadn't felt for a long time rushed through his veins and his grip on Fay's arm tighten like a pair of steel pegs. Somewhere beside him, he thought he heard the blonde winced in pain. He harden himself and allowed the anger to overtake him as he released Fay's arm and strode towards Gin.

Fay looked on in shock as he clutched at his bruising arm and watched Kurogane lunged at Gin in a speed he didn't think would be humanely possible. He knew immediately what the red eye man wanted to do but he wasn't fast or strong enough to restrain him. Not one of Gin's men saw it coming and before anyone could react, a resounding thud and crack was heard. Gin stumbled as his knees buckled from the pain, he saw sparks of white infront of him and felt the hot stickiness of his own blood running down his nose.

"Fuck!" Gin cursed loudly as his men pulled their guns out in retaliation of the attack, from the other end of the room he could hear the panic in the blonde's voice as he fall back to speaking in his native tongue. He didn't understand English very well but he was sure as hell on what Fay was saying to the red-eye man. In that instant, he realized just who and what exactly the blonde is to the red eye man.

"Why did you do that for?" Fay asked.

"I don't ever want you speaking to him again. You don't know who is he and what he can do to you." Kurogane snarled in reply, bristling as he noted the blonde's attempt to defend Gin Tsukasa.

"He can help you?"

"Help me with what?"

"He knows where Yuuko is and he's the one who is trying to expose the senator!" Fay explained.

"You'd think I need you to tell me that!" Kurogane shouted at the blonde, his anger rising with each passing second "Don't think that I don't know what you're trying to do here! How stupid can you get to be putting yourself in this kind of situation? Why are you telling the world about your past…he doesn't have to know!"

Fay shrunk back from the red-eye man as the magnitude of his outburst hit him; he blinked his eyes rapidly as he felt the stinging burn of tears welling up in his eyes. He had never seen the red eye man this angry before and was not expecting himself to be on the receiving end of this terrifying wrath. It hurts that he finally understood how little the red-eye man knew about him. He fixed his redden eyes at Kurogane and said in the most detached voice he could muster at the moment.

"Gin was right. You're a callous bastard…you don't know how I feel and you never will." He said as he turned to leave.

Kurogane realized his stupidity in a split second as Fay left the study but before he could chase after the blonde, Gin's voice held him back.

"He didn't say anything to me at all…he was only here to find out where Yuuko was because apparently you were _worried_ about her." Gin said with sarcasm lacing his voice.

Kurogane groaned aloud as he let loose a string of curses…he didn't know how it turned out like this. He had only wanted to get Fay home. It was crazy; he couldn't even tell if everything was upside down or right side up now. The whole thing was idiotic and ridiculous and he was the moron that created this needless drama.

"I'm sorry." He muttered without looking at Gin.

"The hell you should be…what the fuck is wrong with you? If you're like that all the time, then I'm glad Yuuko's no longer with you." Gin said as he signaled to his men to lower their weapons. He really didn't need a shoot out in his residence, especially not because of a lover's squabble. But he was definitely surprised at how possessive and gutsy the lawyer was. Apparently, he was not like those pansy ass lawyers whose words speak louder then their actions.

"…"

"Is what he's saying true? That you were worried about Yuuko?"

"She's still a dear friend to me, just so you know," Kurogane said as he put aside the predisposed disdain he carried for the wakagashira for the moment "I just wanted to know if she's alright…I know that man won't let her off easily and you might not be strong enough to go against him."

"I know and I've got someone that even Kanemaru may fear to help me…Yuuko is with him right now so you can be assured that nothing untoward will happen to her." Gin replied unsure if he should feel insulted that the man didn't think he had enough power to get things under control or feel thankful for the underlying hint of concern in between the lines.

"You know I'll take your word for it." Kurogane said with a wry smile "she's had a hard life."

"Yeah, and you have to make it worse for her by dumping her…" Gin retort with a heavy tone of recrimination "and what the hell happened back there…?"

"I apologized…don't push it." Kurogane said as he slumped down on the nearest chair.

"I can't believe you left Yuuko for a guy," Gin said as a smile graced his lips "and you were looking so pissed the first time you saw me with Yuuko. I thought you were competition then."

"Things happened…I never felt right with her anyway and unlike you I can't right her life."

Gin gave a bitter laugh. He wasn't going to disagree but he couldn't say it was an undeniable fact either.

"If that was true…Kanemaru won't be sending someone after her life and I can't divulge where is she to you. Not because I don't trust you but…those around..." Gin replied as he glanced quickly at the men surrounding them. He was aware of the level of infiltration that might have set in his group although he believed things might not have gone that far yet. His men were selected with immense detailed scrutiny and background checks before they were accepted into this clan.

Kurogane nodded in grave comprehension as he absorbed the news. It doesn't take much for him to understand the workings of the world Gin exists in.

"What do you have right now?" he asked.

"He has a few clubs…very low profile…only caters to members. They are located in Shinjuku, Ginza and Some are fronted by pachinko parlors and some are registered as host clubs but delved deeper within and you'll find another door to another world," Gin replied "the boys aren't kept there but they are brought in when they are needed. It's not easy to find their main hideout."

"Which practically means you've got nothing concrete on him?"

"Not exactly…we've hit close enough with the name list. We only need to prove the activities did happen and this won't be easy considering the stature of those men listed. The hardest thing is how do we prove that it's him who behind everything. He has Machii working for him and he's a very willing puppet for Kanemaru." Gin explained as he observed the hint of recognition in Kurogane's expression.

"Hisayuki Machii?" Kurogane said trying very hard to suppress the apprehension and surprise from showing. It was one thing to know that the senator was a sick bastard and another to know that he has such a dangerous character working for him. He had a sinking feeling that this was way out of his league, "his clan is comparable to yours…Tokyo is going to be soaked in a bloodbath if you were ever to go against him."

Gin nodded in reply as he looked at his men and signaled that they leave him and Kurogane to speak in privacy. He waited for the last man to exit and the door firmly closed before he spoke.

"That's true but my father has warned me not to let this get out of hand. He doesn't want to be involved in a war that's not his to start with. But Asami's willing to help."

"I've heard of him but he's an untamable beast. Are you sure he can be trusted?"

"He's insane but he does have a strong sense of righteousness and he does have previous unsettled grievances with Kanemaru. So I would say he's quite dependable…for now."

Kurogane nodded his head again as he stood up and made to leave.

"I don't think there's much I could help with but could I ask you for a favor?"

Gin looked at the red eye man and nodded.

"Don't ever let him near you again," Kurogane said with intense conviction "he's too fragile to be embroiled in all this shit."

"You know very well that is his own free will." Gin replied as he watched the sharp angular features soften in an expression of tenderness and concern. He immediately understood why Yuuko was able to get over their break-up within such a short time. It was definitely for the best to forget that gentleness when it was not intended for her. But it was harder for him as a man to understand how a straight man could just turn around and fall for another man instead.

"You really love him don't you?" Gin asked.

Kurogane looked steadily into his eyes before he replied.

"He's my everything."

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

Ashura glanced up from his paperwork when he heard the soft knock on his door, a little surprised when he saw who was standing at his door. He gave a tender smile as he stood up to welcome the blonde.

"I haven't seen you for a while. How have you been?" he asked.

"I'm…fine…Did I come at a bad time?" Fay asked.

"No, you didn't."

Fay gave a tired smile as he walked towards the familiar lounge chair and settled deep into its comforting softness. It's seemed like such a long time since he had last seen Ashura.

Ashura threw a questioning look as he watched the blonde rest his weary self on the lounge chair.

"I think I made the wrong decision to be with him."

Ashura let out a soft sigh as he stood up and went to sit beside the blonde, resting his hand on the thin shoulder and gave a little squeeze in a subtle show of support.

"Do you know there's a mirror in everybody's heart?"

"Don't start talking in riddles or give me one of your rhetorical speeches again. I'm not in the right mind now to absorb them properly."

Ashura gave a soft laugh.

"You do know that you're my favorite patient…do you? So be nice to me because I have no obligations to be the mediator between you and that guy…"

Fay chuckled without mirth as he turned to face Ashura fully, how he wished that he had fallen for this man instead. At least Ashura had the patience to talk through everything without bursting in black anger. He always understood what he was trying to say, how he felt and what he wants, although, the fact that he was a psychologist did not escape him. But he could not feel anything else apart from friendship for this wonderful man.

"Don't be looking at me this way, Fay…you're making me hopeful." Ashura replied, his heart clenching with a bittersweet ache because he knew how unattainable the blonde was to him. Fay needs someone who would burn with fervent passion because that was the only thing that could conquer those destructive and emotionally draining memories, someone who was intense enough to make him forget the past and concentrate on the present. He was too subdued for the blonde; his even and predictable temperament would only feed the blonde's uncertainty because whatever he has wasn't enough to fuel other emotions to drive away the hurt. The blonde will never bloom under his care.

"Don't say that…you're a good man."

Ashura smirked as he removed his hand and placed it on his lap.

"Well, thank you for the compliment. So, what did that stupid man say this time to upset you?"

"Nothing…it was my fault anyway...he wasn't happy about some stranger knowing about my past and calling me by my real name…" Fay said with a tinge of sadness in his voice "What do you mean by there's a mirror in everybody's heart?"

"The reflection of who you want to be…a reflection which you thought to be the perfect you…more known as our alter-ego. We see this person all the time, we hear them too sometimes and we strived to be better because of this reflection. But occasionally, the reflection of ourselves blights us…they become too much the opposite of us."

"What has that to do with the problem between us?" Fay asked.

"You've have brought out who is reflected within Kurogane, which I think is the opposite of himself. He never used to care but now he cares too much. That imperils his balance and he can no longer act calmly or make what he used to think as rational decisions."

"So…?"

"So he loses control sometimes and that alter ego takes over, and instead of that calm persona you see…he becomes temporarily like…The Hulk?" Ashura said jokingly in an attempt to lighten the gloom Fay has hanging over his head.

"What sort of reasoning is that?" Fay gave a soft chuckle with a doubtful look. It didn't sound right at all…

"Not too sure myself too," Ashura snickered uncharacteristically despite the gloomy mood of the blonde "all I'm trying to say is…he sounds jealous to me and it seems to me that you understand that fact, which is why you aren't angry at him right now," Ashura paused for a moment before adding "by the way…who were you talking to about your past?"

"Someone…did he mention anything to you?"

"Hn…we aren't such good buds that he would come running to me with all his problems." Ashura deadpanned.

"Hahahaha…!" Fay laughed as he heard the sarcasm in Ashura's monotonous voice. Then he stopped himself abruptly when he realized he hadn't heard his own laughter for a long time, and the sound seemed so foreign to him…as if he was hearing it from someone else.

Ashura looked at him as minor bewilderment showed on the blonde's face. Sometimes he sympathizes the blonde knowing what he has suffered and that the damaged done to him was so huge, he had even forgotten that he had the ability to laugh.

"So what happened exactly?"

"He used to know this woman…and she was found to be involved with a male prostitution ring. Kurogane was implicated…we don't know why because he had no idea what was going on too. She is missing now and the only link to her was the second in commend of the Tsukasa clan," Fay paused before he continued, "I thought I could help by helping Kurogane search for her whereabouts…and the boys…"

Ashura nodded, the short narration had confirmed his suspicions as to why Fay had gotten himself involved in the first place. But clearly, the man seems not to sense that he was treading on dangerous grounds.

"This is not your story and it is not your business. I'm sure you feel a lot of empathy and anger towards what is happening to those boys but there is nothing you can do for them. You're putting yourself and Kurogane in danger and what happened to him was already a fair enough warning." Ashura said in a grave tone. He made a gross mistake into thinking that Fay was starting to get over his problem for good, he should have known better.

"Stop repeating the same things to me! None of you understand how it feels to go through what I've been through."

"Then tell me…what else can you do?" Ashura said thoroughly agitated at this point.

"I don't know! I really don't know! I just want to stop feeling this uselessness!" Fay cried out as he curled up on the lounge chair he was reclining on, "He shouldn't have started caring for me like this in the first place! We're never going to work out!"

"Fay…"

oooooooooooooooooooooooo

He couldn't find the blonde again. He getting sick of this cat and mouse game that the blonde was constantly pulling off, but at the same time he was filled with anxiety and remorse about what he had said earlier at Tsukasa's place because he knows this withdrawal was most often caused by him. It seems unlikely that he will ever learn how to keep his trap shut. Kurogane picked up the phone as it rang incessantly in his pocket. He really isn't in the mood to entertain nobody right now and of course, whose name should he see on the screen of his touch phone?

"What do you want?" he asked with his voice full of hostility.

"He's in my office…" Ashura stated.

"What's he doing there?"

"Shouldn't you ask yourself?"

Kurogane sighed loudly.

"How's he right now?"

"I gave him some sedatives because he just couldn't stop crying. Are you coming over right now?

"Do you even have to ask?" he growled in replied with a complimentary snarl.

"You'd better calm down before you step in here because I have every right to call the security on you." Ashura said before he hung up the phone, vaguely…well…very annoyed by the red-eye man's behavior.

TBC

Review?


	16. Chapter 17

**Author's notes:**

Thank you for those who are still following this fic. I hope you still find it interested as there weren't much reviews left for the previous chapters. Anyway, on to the story… : )

Partly inspired by Breathe Me – SIA

_I struggle constantly against  
This torturous reminder  
Laid here diminishing in anguish  
Wasting away without notions  
In a self manufactured reality  
Deceiving myself in nocturnal glory  
Desperately seeking to be freed  
From this irony that flows within my blood  
Liberate me anonymous stranger  
Because I am unable to convalesce and calm  
These wounded, fluctuating thoughts of mine...  
- Cattyfuzzy_

oOooOo

_Like the old yellowed pages of that old journal, our stories sits in it untouched, unread, unknown. We will wait long enough for our paths to cross, yet, we will never know who the other is. A stranger's life we come across and hastily we leave: the depth of our bonds...only as deep as the turtle's pond._

_Cattyfuzzy_

**The Continuality of Existence**

**Chapter 15**

Silence, he thought, was the most honest form of a definitive characterization of an ambience. It allows one to truly listen: to the activities bustling around, soft conversations of strangers, nuances of the language of the human body, and most of all the glimpse of the honest musing of one's own mind if one allowed themselves to listen. Poignantly, the silence sat between them, suffocating his intentions of speech. He kept his eyes infront, absorbing the sights of the busy streets of Tokyo instead. He didn't want to break the silence or invoke the blonde's tears again. What a stupid argument that was, he thought, as he berated himself mentally. Why couldn't he just give in and say what was needed? He knows all the blonde was looking for was only a little comfort, but he didn't want to lie. No matter what the purpose.

There were so little words exchanged between them that night after he had picked the blonde up from Ashura's office. He only vaguely remember the promise made regarding an end to them, then they were screaming and shouting, asking each other to leave, stay, leave, stay and then leave again, and somewhere along the night, He can't even recall if the blonde was really there at all. The lingering heat of their anger seemed like the burn of the sun on his skin, followed by an exquisitely painful and slow scorching smolder. The blonde didn't leave of course, he had no where to go. He just chose to treat their problem like all other adults would; appropriate amount of silence works wonders at times.

Things were fast progressing to an end it seems; Yuuko had appeared infront of his doorstep with Gin a week after the visit to the Tsukasa's mansion. Yuuko wanted to turn herself in and needed the necessary legal advice. She didn't think it was worth hiding for the rest of her life when the bastard might end up free due to the lack of evidence against him. He managed to engage a fairly reputable lawyer, a familiar acquaintance for her case because she couldn't have the Tsukasa's lawyer as her representative due to the dubious nature of her relationship with Gin. Simply put, it would put her in great disadvantage. With the protection of the police and Asami's help in disconnecting the network of Kanemaru's, she gained amnesty by becoming the key witness to testified against the deeds of the senator.

Gin wasn't happy with her decision by any measure but compared to having Yuuko living as a fugitive for the rest of her life, there really wasn't a better option. Furthermore, Asami's power play with the underworld had guaranteed that there won't be any repercussions from that side, no one in their right mind would want to go against such a figure that could provide them with the link to all the riches they can imagine. Kanemaru's every 'request' for a hit on Yuuko had been denied promptly. His arrest also happened on a blotched escape plan when one of his accomplices ratted on him. Asami had destroyed the evidence and names of those useful to him in the political arena, no one fancies their dirty laundry to be aired, and a ready target to carry all their sordid deeds was the best that they could ask for, and in return, a safe-house for Yuuko. Kanemaru was charged and was now on a fast forwarded trial for his misdeeds and it seems that nothing can acquit him with Yuuko's damning evidence.

Though everything seemed to be going fine, Fay couldn't put down the anger and resentment towards his interference on the day he visited Tsukasa, and that anger had prompted the argument they just had, one of the many in the past month. It always starts with an innocuous question then it somehow degenerates into bouts of angry shouting followed by the slamming of doors, and the expected silence once again.

He knew Fay was right when he said that he didn't respect the way he wanted to live his life, and logics be damned because despite his claims of understanding and love, he was still completely ignorant of his feelings. And that brings him round to another fact…he has never truly accepted what had happened to Fay and how he is today. He hadn't really run through how it would be to love someone so damaged and broken, he hadn't learned how to deal with all these excess baggage. They both hadn't. He just allowed his emotions to pull him through and that just wasn't right for both of them.

He was also very well aware that the blonde was mad at him for giving Yuuko so much support, not because the blonde was jealous but because Fay felt that Yuuko was just as guilty as Kanemaru. She knew what was going on and she let it happen, such injustice, such despicable acts to fall on defenseless children.

'_Isn't she just like mother?_' he had said with great contempt and barely disguised bitterness, _'and what about you? She almost destroyed your career with her impulsiveness!' _Fay had added in the end even when he knows very well that the information of his relationship with Yuuko wasn't revealed by her.

And then just thinking that what the stoic bastard had said was right was even more infuriating. Ashura sneered in his face and told him that he was a fool if he thought no difficulties are left behind just because the blonde had accepted the development of their relationship. Even adding that he couldn't believe someone as educated and at his age could be so dense as to not know how to handle a relationship. He sighed…it was just too much for him. He had new contracts to draft up, cases to attend, clients to meet, friends and family calling for his attention, Yuuko's problems weighing on him, the expectations of his partners at work and the job of turning the reputation of the firm around…and he was only one man. He was already overwhelmed and still he has to deal with the blonde's unforgiving anger.

It was clear to him too just how difficult was it for the blonde to accept a relationship like theirs', considering the blonde's history, and he would be lying if he told himself that he wasn't curious about the blonde's original sexual orientation. Had his past interfered with his preference? Worst of all, did Fay know any better in the first place? Would all the questions he is asking himself now matter one day in future? Perhaps they are better left as doubts…the supposed non-truths are always the easiest to forget, to ignore.

But even past all that, somehow the tender emotions he had drawn up for the blonde rigged his heart and refused to disappear. He sighed again because no matter what, everything that happened between him and the blonde still felt incredibly right, incredibly good. The thoughts of resolving their issues made him think that it would be worth all the trouble, he wanted to know how Fay would be like when he was really happy. He wanted to see him laugh more, enjoy the vivacity of life and love without the dark clouds of the past hanging over him.

Yes, he still wanted all these despite the challenges ahead.

So it's never too late to learn isn't it?

He turned to look at the blonde who was still looking stubbornly straight ahead at the busy streets, the dawning dusk was casting it magic on the city again where for a few rare moments each day, everything the rays of the evening sun touches turns to gold momentarily.

"I've apologized so many times. How long do you intend to keep this on? You can't quit talking to me forever…face it…you're already bind to me legally without any means of escape."

Fay blinked as his lips formed an unintended pout, he was sure that Kurogane was playing on his ignorance regarding law but the underlying meaning of his words brought a tiny silver of exultation to his soul. He has lost his anger sometime last week. It was only his pride and selfishness that was preventing him from speaking to the red eye man. He was however, still resentful towards Yuuko and he doubts that this will ever disappear. She reminded him too much of his mother. Someone who never had the courage to stand for the right thing, it also made him realized that he was plain lying to himself when he thought he had let the past go. He didn't and he couldn't and everything would probably be with him even to the day he died. Maybe the advice given by Ashura was the best, to reconcile his past to his present and future. Sometimes, closure can never come because the hurt was too much, the pain was too deep and the scars will never disappear, and simply because the past never dies.

"What would you like for me to say? You don't know how important it is for me to be able to do something at that point. You don't know how hateful it is to feel helpless and scared…knowing that there are these people on the streets and that…that fear of something like that would happen to me again." Fay said as his voice grew louder and he had to close his eyes to keep the tears at bay.

"Teach me…teach me then and let me understand how it feels like." Kurogane replied with that earnest and sincere expression that Fay had grown to love seeing on him.

"I'm hungry." Fay said, deliberately giving the red eye man a random reply knowing full well how he hated being thrown off course in a conversation.

Kurogane knew immediately that it was a normal deflective response from the blonde when he didn't feel like talking about something, but he was definitely grateful for those few spoken words because it meant that the drought was over.

oooooooooooooooooooooooo

Gin told himself that he shouldn't be disappointed or angry and that frankly, everyone is in a win-win situation but the sting was there whenever he remembered that Yuuko has to do time. Things could be worse, he told himself again as he hung up the phone. Asami had done his part in crushing Kanemaru's life, just like he promised and the man will not find a second chance from anyone. Yuuko had told him it was for the best; at the very least her stay in prison would salve her of her guilt. Even if it was just a tiny bit of it because she cannot return to anyone a life that was lost and Kanemaru had destroyed, in directly by her hand, so many young dreams.

She said that she detests what she had become, what she did, and the mistakes she had seen done and condone. She was young then and to heed her ambitions to follow her dreams seemed like a fairly justifiable choice. However, her intellect and conscience no longer allows that indulgence, when age becomes a liability and youth can no longer be an appropriate excuse for the failures of her soul. Often it had been said that a woman's silence is an indication of her inner moral strength, she has proven to herself on how untrue that saying was. She had made truth a casualty in order to live as the guilty free, with a lack of judgment in her life. But she had only further sullied herself…now even her love will hold secrets

Everything that used to belong to her felt alien now, the clothes that she wore, the luxury she had experienced and the wealth that slipped past her hands. They were all going to become a distant past, she felt like she had been seated through a very, very long and slow dinner consisting of a three course meal, where she was stuck in between the entrée and dessert, wondering which part of it should she forfeit. Clearly it was obvious that she has not even had her dessert and wasn't that part of dinner the most important to a woman? She had said it as a question though he was sure that the question was hypothetically posted to her own self aloud.

Seven years, how much will a heart change its wants and needs in that frame of time? Will he have a different dream then, will he be pursuing another life, another love? Maybe he wanted normal then and normal was not something she can give. He assured her that he will wait for her though. It wasn't too long…seven years…he thought. It should be over in a flash. They were still young and they can start afresh somewhere where everyone is a stranger to their life. She made a grave mistake but that was all it is…a mistake. She only showed the imperfections that exists in everyone, that they were only human.

He told her as much as he told himself that, yes, he will wait.

oooooooooooooooooooooooo

"How is it fair when his dissatisfaction with Spiky is also affecting us?" Watanuki exclaimed as he gave a loud sigh. Fay was brooding again and he knew it was still all about a red eye man. He hated it because he loves to see Fay smiling. It suited the blonde to be in a slightly sunnier disposition, brooding only suited people like Doumeki, who he thinks, likes to pretend that they were mysterious and dark characters when in truth, people like them were just emotionally stunted and the rest of the world just didn't know any better.

"Do you have to whine even when it's not your problem?" Doumeki said as he stirred the milk into his morning cup of tea. He knew what his boyfriend wanted but he was not going to interrupt this time. He still remembered the lesson he learned the last time round, didn't matter even if Watanuki is giving him the permission to butt in this time.

"Did I ask for your opinion, Woody?"

'_You don't want my opinion…you want action from my part…unsolicited that is.' _Doumeki thought.

"Well, I can see how your blondie's moodiness has been rubbing off you too."

"I…" Watanuki faltered from the tone of Doumeki's voice and the way he looked at him, and wondered if his boyfriend had already second guessed his intentions.

"…?" Doumeki crossed his arms infront of his chest and waited with his stoic expression expertly put in place, he didn't really need his boyfriend to state out exactly what he wants because he already know what the idiot wants, and the idiot can't lie to him because he would know immediately too.

"You know I'm concerned about him…right?" Watanuki tried fishing.

"And your point is?"

"You go talk to him."

"Why?" Doumeki teased as he smiled inwardly to himself. He will never understand why is it so amusing to see his boyfriend get flustered over every little other thing.

"Because you talked them both out of their last problem?" Watanuki breathed out exasperated.

"No." An immediate and curt reply that informed Watanuki that his boyfriend means it, and there won't be space for negotiations.

"But you have to…"

"N.O…no…they're adults and they're both older then us. They should learn how to talk about their own problems and resolve it."

"But….Doumekkiiiiiii…." Watanuki pouted knowing that this expression was his boyfriend's weakness. So it was kind of a blow to him, a little death to his heart when something that endears Doumeki to him didn't work…for once…when he heard Doumeki's answer.

"End of conversation." Doumeki replied steadfastly, crushing whatever little hope that's left for Watanuki.

"You're such a hateful bastard!"

"It's fine. You love me all the same." Doumeki said with a tiny quirk of his lips as he emptied his cup of tea and left the cafeteria with a…once again…spluttering boyfriend.

oooooooooooooooooooooooo

They came back after a tense quiet dinner at a restaurant nearby the apartment block. Kurogane allowed himself to relax and wondered if he was back in the blonde's good graces again.

"Do you want to have a drink first…we could talk…"

"What gave you the idea that just because I had dinner with you means that I'm alright with everything?" Fay said tersely as he kicked off his shoes. He really wasn't prepared to talk to the red eye man; he was already tired from fighting himself, a part of him wanted everything to return to normal and a part of him still mad.

Fay thought that's how it is when one knows one have loved enough to hurt. One would know that was the after effect from the poison of romance. That feeling that leaves one feeling like one is only half of a person, binding one to those useless and endless sentiments, with pointless expectations that will make one grow calculative in love and later leaves one falling hard with destructive disappointment. He didn't understand romance well enough to think like that, he reckons, but he knows it enough. In that sense, it always made Kurogane's attempts at reconciliation sound weak and not trustworthy.

He dislikes the disenchantment when the person he likes didn't even think hard even to consider his feelings when acting through a situation. He felt that the red eye man had grievously mismanaged what happened with Yuuko, and though he no longer bears a grudge, he didn't know how to forgive the red eye man. It was recovery from the pain of his past that defines his identity, it made him reflect on all possibilities before he pushed himself into motion. It always made him feel secure knowing that he must have made the right choice after pondering on it on a considerable amount of time, so it hurts when Kurogane had so blatantly denied him of the right to stand for something he believed in. If he couldn't even have that much from a man who proclaimed to love him…what else could he possibly ask for?

He watched the red eye man prowled from one end to the other of the living room, something he was prone to do in the throes of letting loose his frustrations, trying to explain for the hundredth time, the reason for stopping him from interfering with the people involved in the prostitution case. He observed the simmering intensity that lies beneath the ordinary façade of a man who had to carry the weight of so many others unwillingly, yet gallantly performed with well accepted resignation. A man who understood the wisdom of practicality, self preservation and the logical evolvement of a life, a man who falls to his passionate, raging emotions and the undeniable responsibilities he carries with endearing fault. Maybe he would have done what Kurogane had done were he in his shoes, but it was so hard to let go.

"I don't know what to say to you anymore…"

"Then stop trying."

Kurogane looked up and removed his hands from the side of his temples, he walked to the couch where Fay was seated on and sat down on the other end, feeling an odd lump ball of tightness at his throat. He could see it coming. Fay was not going to give in without a fight, to think that he thought things were going to be fine just an hour ago.

"Are you up for another shouting match again?"

"We don't have to if you leave me the hell alone!"

Kurogane stood up, high strung and patience sorely tested.

"I've told you not to use that tone with me!"

"Oh…are you my parole officer now?" Fay sneered as he stood up and head towards his bedroom.

Kurogane snapped and his body started acting on his behalf before he could even think about what he was doing, and just a blink of an eye later, he was grabbing hard at the blonde's elbow blocking his escape.

"Let go!" Fay shouted as he kicked at Kurogane, a little scared now because the glazed red eyes and flaring nostrils told him that he might have pushed a bit too far. The heated breathe against him and the hard body shoving and pushing him to the wall was just mind numbing fear. His mind panicked and for once he really believed that the red eye man was going to hit him.

"Don't hit me…don't….please…" he whimpered involuntarily.

Kurogane blinked as the stupor of rage wind down, the fear in the blonde's voice halted further actions on his part. He eased his hold on the frail elbows and placed them on the blonde's neck instead, letting his breath calm and his mind to start functioning again.

"Why do always push me to an edge when you know it's not good…huh?" he asks with his voice chock full of unspoken emotions as his thumbs grazed the sides of the blonde's cheeks, feeling the slight tremors of the slender body echoing through his own. He lowered his head to look at the blonde and pressed his forehead against his, "why…how sorry do you want me to be? Can't you see this is as frustrating to me as it is to you…hmmm?" he muttered softly against the blonde's ear as he moved the position of his body and wrapped his arms around the blonde instead.

He heard Fay sniffled and knew he was crying again.

"Hush…I'm sorry…sorry…I didn't mean to scare you like that…" he whispered as he drew back to look into a tear streaked face and dewy blues, "sorry…please don't be afraid of me…don't ever be afraid of me. I will never hurt you." he said again as he lowered his lips to wet eyelids muttering soft apologies the whole time as his lips traveled the planes of Fay's face and hovered over his lips at last, eyes seeking permission from the blonde.

Fay drew his elbows from his sides and moved his arms inwards against Kurogane's chest as a divider between them when the hold on them was loosen, he started crying immediately once Kurogane apologized for his rough man handling. God…how could one man get him going from anger to fear and then to giddy desire the next he thought as he felt those soothing lips caressing his face. He opened his eyes when the seeking lips stopped their explorations and looked into tender crimson ones, without thoughts, he leaned forward and pressed his lips hard against Kurogane's.

"Kiss me…make this bad thing go away…Kuro…I don't know how to make it go away…" Fay whispered with a sad desperateness in his voice and somehow Kurogane knew he wasn't just talking about what happened recently. He released a breathe that he hadn't known how long he has been holding in as soon as Fay granted his exoneration from his anger. He sagged against the blonde and slide them both down to the floor till he was kneeling on his knees and Fay was straddling his thighs. He tightens his embrace around the blonde, sighing as he molded his lips onto plaint pink ones.

They held each other like this for a long while, sharing gentle kisses as the minutes passed by, embraces replaced by gentle caresses of each other's face, neck, shoulders and to any other parts that the length of their hands could reach.

Fay sigh again when Kurogane broke the kiss and he leaned closer to position his ear against his chest enjoying the strong pulses of the red eye man's heartbeat, arching against the sensual slow caresses of a large warm hand moving up and down the length of his back, the curve of his waist that ends at the small of his back before being repeated again.

And in the silence, the calm that he lost to his anger came back again.

He felt safe again.

Kurogane had them moved to the couch when he started to feel the numbing effects from sitting too long in an uncomfortable position. Although he couldn't complain about having Fay in his arms, yielding and compliant like a well fed cat. Unwilling to relinquish his hold on the slender man in his arms, he slide Fay down and tucked him snugly against his frame on the soft cushions of the couch.

Fay let himself be adjusted and nuzzled his face deeper into the crook of Kurogane's neck, filling his senses with the scent of the red eye man. He smiled to himself. He could so easily get drunk on just his scent alone, so easily achieve an impossible high from feeling the man around him and weaken to a feeble child upon hearing that deep soothing voice whispering to him.

"Do you feel like talking now?" Kurogane spoke up, sending a deep velvet tremble of a tender tone grazing by his ear.

He pulled away just enough so that he could look at Kurogane's face and nodded his head.

"Humm…mmm…"

"First thing first, are you still angry with me?"

"Do I look like it…"Fay chuckled "I'm still unhappy but I don't think it would be reasonable for me to keep up this sort of behavior," Fay said, realizing that he couldn't even make himself sound reproachful anymore as he moved and placed his hand in Kurogane's, "and perhaps you should let me know what else you need to understand about me…and we can talk more about it."

Kurogane chuckled and shook his head, amazed at the unspoken understanding shown wondering when he will ever understand the man seated beside him. He closed his hand around the slender one nestled in his palm and brought the knuckles to his lips, placing a gentle kiss before holding it tight against his chest. Fay felt his heart tighten at the tender gestures, it felt so good to feel his warmth again and he was so tempted to lean in so that he could feel that strength again. Intimacy, this new thing that he yearns from Kurogane still manages to surprise him.

"Thank you." He whispered as he turned to gaze at the sapphire eyes he had fallen in love with.

"Thank you too." Fay whispered as he gazed back into those hypnotic crimson eyes.

"So…what should we begin with?"

"How about we start with my need of acting for my self and your lack of respect for that?"

"I'm sorry for that and I've given a lot of thoughts to my reaction towards your reaction," Kurogane paused as he took a deep breath to reflect on what he should say before continuing, "I realized that I don't really understand what you've been through at all. I definitely could empathize with your predicament but not how you feel. I don't understand your pain. But I need you to know that I worry for you…and to see you put yourself in a situation where you could not protect yourself scares me. Actually, I was stunned that it even crossed your mind to do that."

Fay's heart skipped a bit to know exactly how much his vulnerability terrifies the red eye man, and the image of him swinging a punch at Gin popped up suddenly in his mind. He had doubted his affections from the start. He couldn't bring himself to believe how a man who loved only women could just fall in love suddenly with a man. Watanuki had mentioned jokingly that Kurogane could be a closeted gay because the man never had a serious girlfriend, his best friend was a girl and that he noticed Kurogane throwing appreciative glances at Doumeki several times while they were at his place. He had giggled at that piece of gossip but it had really got him curious.

"Ok, I accept that. It was rather foolhardy for me to rush in…"

"Then promise you never pull off something like that again." Kurogane cut him off and pulled the slighter man closer before enveloping him into a tight snuggle. Fay smiled and nodded his head in agreement; it seems that there was no need for further discussions on that.

"Why me?" Fay asked as he nuzzled into the warm embrace.

Kurogane brows drew up into a light frown and he ran the query in his mind before answering.

"…You scare me…right from the start…I couldn't figure what to do with you and you always made me feel like I was tied 24/7 to a bungee rope standing by the edge of this building, not knowing when would I fall. But when I know more about you…it got worse because it downright confuses me when I realized I felt something for you."

"Why me?" Fay asked again.

Kurogane frowned…didn't he just gave his answer?

Fay tried again.

"I want to know how you came to love me, not how I made you feel…why me?"

Kurogane chuckled.

"Because you are beautiful? It helps don't you think? Has anyone told you that you should be a model with that face of yours?" Kurogane said with eyebrows raised and a giant grin.

Fay only snorted ungracefully.

"I need to know. Kuro..."

"I don't know…I just know that I want to love you," Kurogane said as he ran his index finger along the smooth jawline of Fay's cheeks, savoring the sight of the faint dusting of pink appearing, "your strength, your weakness, your past, your future…I want everything that has to do with you."

"Doesn't it bother you…my past?"

"Only if you let it." Kurogane replied.

"…"

"You know…you made me feel so many things all the time, all at once, lost and found at the same time. I do have to admit I was horrified at myself when I realized that I wanted you. I was in such disbelieve that I even went to a gay bar to try and confirm my _'new found' _sexuality."

Fay tensed and tried to straighten up, he wasn't too comfortable with the knowledge that the red eye man had been with another man.

"Let me finish," Kurogane said "I did that because I wanted to know if it was lust that I felt…you know…what with you looking so beautiful all the time exactly like a damsel in distress. But the guys there didn't make me feel a thing and I accepted the fact that I was really in love with you when everything and every moment reminded me of you, and you just occupy my brain even in my dreams. It wasn't easy and I didn't have anyone to talk about it. But I am happy now to have you here like this beside me."

Fay gripped the large calloused hand holding his and tried to tell himself that he shouldn't cry over such a confessions, one of the many that he received from Kurogane since the first time they realized how they felt towards each other. He supposed Kurogane did it to reassure him of his insecurities.

"What about you? How do you feel about us?" Kurogane asked as he gripped Fay's chin and tipped his face up to look at him. He waited patiently for Fay to compose his answer knowing how difficult it is for him to dig into his emotions and to express what he felt about love. It was a well known fact that the blonde was much better at dealing with negative emotions rather then the positive ones simply because he never received much of the latter from anyone.

Fay mulled the question in his mind, though his body still remembers the fear of a sexual act, his heart was very clear and sure of what it wants.

"I'm petrified of everything that's happening between us but you make me feel safe and I do feel strongly for you. But there are plenty that I've not come to terms with and I have baggage that I can never be rid of…I barely have any experience with love…and from what I can see neither have you," Fay paused as he started the nervous picking of his fingers again, "I don't know what to make of our future…but I'm here now and I want to be happy for once in my life."

Kurogane's heart soared as he heard this and he cradled the blonde back into his arms. He told himself that this was one thing in his life that he will make right. And then of course, there was still one vital topic they have yet to discuss with each other.

"Fay…" Kurogane said as he shifted to put some space between him and the blonde. He wanted Fay to feel at ease before he ventured into the topic.

"Yes?" Fay responded wearily as he recognized the shift, indicating Kurogane's need for space, and then the man's uncharacteristic fidgeting. He wondered what would make the red eye man so squirmy, not that it was obvious but Fay had became familiar with the nuances of Kurogane's body language after so many months of close contact.

"There's something I wish to talk to you about…"

Fay noted the drawn out way that each word was spoken, and smiled to himself already guessing the topic before Kurogane spelled it out. It was no secret that Kurogane would always lock himself in the bathroom or his own bedroom for a quick hand job after they ended one of their snogging sessions. The stained sheets and the odd grunts heard from the bathroom now and then were proof enough. He remembered the first time he realized what was going on behind the door one lazy afternoon. He was quite plainly mortified and then had a brief mental war with himself when he saw the dirty sheets in the laundry basket. He felt reluctant to admit that he was immensely pleased that the red eye man bothered to think about his welfare, that he would fret about how he felt towards sex rather then to pay more attention to his own needs. He had thought about this before when he first got physical with Kurogane, silently in his mind he had been preparing himself for the day when they will have to face the issue.

"Sex?"

"…!..."

"There's not much innocence left in me, Kurogane, you can be open about it with me. It might make it easier for me."

"I didn't really know how to broach the subject, you sure you're fine talking about it?"

Fay nodded his head.

"I don't want you to feel pressured because I will wait for as long as you want," Kurogane said, "I meant that I'm fine with what we're doing right now."

"Can we try it?" Fay asked softly as he buried his face into the crook of the red eye man's neck.

"What?" Kurogane replied voice barely louder then a whisper.

Fay drew a deep breathe and gathered the last of his courage as he pulled away to look into Kurogane's eyes. He needed to show his determination and that this wasn't something he had just decided to do.

"I want you to mark me. I need to know that my body is to be loved, not used. I need to know that even if this ends, I'll have a part of you with me…that I've been loved before."

"You talk as if I'll be leaving you anytime soon."

"You know what I mean."

"Yes, I do," Kurogane nodded in understanding, "but like I said I don't want to pressure you and if we were to…look I want our first time to be special and not under the circumstances where we won't have any control over our actions. I just needed to know how comfortable you are with the idea of being with me…"

"Thank you for this…Kuro."

"You don't have to…you're not like the others, you mean something to me."

"I know…" Fay said as an irrepressible smile as he leaned up to kiss Kurogane, "I know."

ooooooooooooooooooooooooo

He thought that once a couple has established a connection, everything should be easy going. Apparently, he hadn't expected the silly awkwardness that exists between them to be further drawn out. Fay's confession of his want to be taken by him rankle him more then he thought it would, time spent with previously pleasant and welcome company was quickly turning into a test of his will and control. Every movement and spoken word from the blonde teased his senses, when the blonde got too near his nerves reacted as if they had been injected with a dozen shots of pure caffeine. He didn't know how to handle being horny for almost every waking moment of his day. It was downright embarrassing. After so many sexual encounters, he was supposed to be a better master of his libido. He just couldn't calm down whenever he thinks about Fay, even during work he found himself anxious to end the day just so he could get home early and spend some time with the blonde.

He has to count his blessing though; Fay's transition into being a man in love was surprisingly smooth. It was not without trauma but it wasn't as bad as he expected. He gave a lot of thought about their first time wondering what would make it special enough for the blonde. He thought about the blonde's past and the bastards who had used him to show their power over him, and he wants Fay to know that he is not the same as those men. He wants Fay to know that he isn't owned by him. He wants a different experience for Fay. He wants to relinquish his control to the blonde.

Only thing was…he didn't know how to overcome the fear of being taken by another man. But he reckons that fear and anxiety he is feeling right now won't be anything near to what Fay had experienced.

oooooooooooooooooooooooo

"Takahashi, could you clear my schedule for next week, get me two tickets for a flight to Bora Bora under my name and Daniel's and help to arrange our stay at this resort." Kurogane said as he handed a piece of paper containing the necessary information over to his secretary.

"Sure. What's the occasion?" Takahashi asked as he noted the location his superior is headed.

"Nothing…I just want him to take a break from all this."

"So Shigure is alright with handling the up coming cases?"

"Yes, he doesn't have to do much because I have already tied up all the loose ends. All he needs to do is to oversee the signing of the contracts. Just informed him that Mr. Yamoto can be an arse at times, alright?"

"No problem. I'll get back to you later."

"Thanks."

He span round and looked out of the window with a smug smile plastered on his face. He hoped that the blonde will be more then pleasantly surprised with his arrangements.

TBC


	17. Chapter 18

**Author's notes:**

I'm so sorry for not updating this fic for that long! No worries, I'm trying to get back into the mind frame to continue writing this. As I say, this fic is really my baby, and it's also really due for some major editing!!!! That I will have to do myself as there are parts of the story which doesn't flow well.

SuperMangaFan89: Thank you so much for all your reviews! Please don't give up on this story and do keep following it! Thanks!

Susan: I hope your friend won't be too disappointed after reading this. : )

Rubykitty, Fai'swingedchronicles, Caelia-Canta, Princess of Oblivion, Caterina Sforza, Mistress -Freak, KurowanwanFai, GreenAppleIce, TomoyoNyx and all those who left a review, THANKS A MILLION. Sorry that I didn't reply personally to everyone who had left a review, but like always, they are the best reward for me!

Partly inspired by Talk in Tongues – Natalie Imbrulia

These raging pulses

Fluttering breathes

Won't be smoothed

Wounding through

Body and soul

Shaken…shaking

Rocked like a glass with

A storm raging through

Lost…so lost I am…

And my hands gliding on

On your warm skin

A thunderous applause

Such intensity felt

Hurt…this lulling…pulling

Brick by brick

Defenses are falling

Call me…I want to be there

Beckoning lips

Tasting…I can't believe

I'm just falling…

-Cattyfuzzy

**The Continuality of Existence**

**Chapter 15**

Fay stared at the ticket placed on the table beside his bed.

A week on a tropical island.

It was finally going to happen.

He accepted Kurogane's surprise with the practiced ease of a veteran actor. An enthusiastic smile, the prerequisite squeal of excitement and an ecstatic tight hug with a few selected words teasing the man for his efforts, and the red eye man bought the act without a hint of suspicion. But cold empty expectation and weary dread was all he felt, and if he weren't careful, he will be doing it again. The need to conquer the monster lying dormant in his mind shakes him; the fear of acting out his image of revenge desperately needs to be hidden.

Deep, deep down where no one will reach deep enough to dig.

It abhorred him at times, when he couldn't fight and the ghosts from the past comes visiting again, morphing into the forms of those men who shared in the use of his body, men who had no eyes and their faces hidden by shadows so black that even the outline of their silhouettes couldn't be pried apart from the shadows that hides their identity from him. He hates himself so much everytime he gave in to his fear. He wished what everyone said could happen…to forget. But he knows he won't and he never will. He couldn't deny that there were nights when he yearns for the cruel roughness of warm skin, to be back in that dark dank place where only the touch of strangers matters and the unwelcome pain that jarred his consciousness, made him feel alive. Perversely enjoyed, the acts from the unloved, where fear, hurt, hope and comfort becomes inseparable and unrecognizable.

Sometimes he wonders why and how pleasure could be felt in pain. Each time when he wakes to find himself wrapped in those arms with the scent of a person untainted, he wonders if Kurogane would notice the starving look in his eyes, see the horrifying desire for those things slithering through him. He was used so much, left to rot in that man made hell and without the guidance of society, that he became so twisted that he thought his submission would save those soul less men who did it to him, kept him in darkness for so long and the bruises that they kept inflicting on him reminded him so much of the man he used to call father. He would throb in painful anticipation and then scream in hate when the weariness of sleep wears off and he is aware that it was Kurogane who is holding him, with the vague wetness of his climax acutely felt, and the disgust of those thoughts will hit him then, hard enough to make him puke. These are things he hides well enough. Things that no one should know. Desires of the monster within him. The one who is forged in darkness, molded by pain. But what was imprinted on the surface of his skin could not be hidden. What could be said of them when they were exposed to the light of day and scrutinized by the man whom he wants to love and to be loved by?

After that conversation and his admission that he wished to be with Kurogane, the red eye man had been subtly dropping hints around him. He knows that he was the one who suggested it but now as the time drew near, he wasn't so sure anymore. Kurogane had accepted his past but can he accept this worn out body, so dirty, so flawed, will he find what he is to see hideous and be repulsed by the body he will be embracing beneath the covers? He wanted to gift himself to Kurogane but could he really quell the fear and open up for the red eye man?

Sometimes he wondered which was worst: the scars underneath or, the scars that could be seen.

He picked up the folder containing his ticket and let his finger pads run along the gaudy cream colored cover, remembering its texture, noting the name of the airline printed on it, the thickness of the documents it holds weighing much more then what they really felt. He wonders how it would feel like to feel the sand between his toes, to smell the ocean, to taste the food that he will never afford, to see the sunset with someone that he loves…to be made love to in the night when they were alone. He could only taste the sweetness by the edge of his tongue. That sweet promise it holds seems like white lies in disguise. Freedom and imprisonment offered at the same time. He smiles. These are one of the many ironies life had offered up to him.

oooooooooooooooooooooooo

"Ohh…I can't believe he is bringing you to Bora Bora! He's just too good to be true!" Watanuki exclaimed in his usual loud enthusiasm, "And here we were worried about you guys!"

"It's good for both of you…I mean you guys haven't got any time for yourselves since Yuuko's case popped up." Sakura agreed as she beamed at the boys seated infront of her. Doumeki in the meanwhile kept his silence. He couldn't help but notice that Fay seemed distracted whenever they talked about the anticipated trip. Even right now he could see the doubts skimming beneath those blue eyes. He nudged the blonde's teacup to grab his attention.

"Are we that boring that you have to resort to day dreaming to entertain yourself?" He asked good naturedly with a small smirk.

Fay looked up at his friends and smiled in apology.

"No, I was only listening since Watanuki is doing enough talking for all of us…" Fay said deliberately poking at Watanuki, knowing the boy will pull Doumeki's attention from him. He can never be comfortable with the idea that Doumeki could read him so easily.

"Hey…that is so not nice! I'm happy and envious of course! I've been with this bag of cement here for so long and he hadn't even brought me anywhere."

"I told you we will be going to New York once we graduate…"

"That doesn't count! I'm talking about a romantic getaway here, not a trip to secure your career!"

"You're harder to please then a girl, I should have taken Himawari when she confessed to me." Doumeki joked.

"Hey, she didn't even like you in the first place!" Watanuki yelled as he shoved Doumeki's shoulder playfully, a little miffed that it didn't even budge from its place the slightest bit.

"You sure you want to contest that?" Doumeki asked with an unsurpassed air of confidence and immediately Watanuki sag his shoulders in defeat. Sakura giggled from behind the counter, hands still busy mixing the salad dressing.

"We're here to celebrate his advancement in his relationship, not to talk about your past conquests with girls!"

"I'm gay…we're gay…Watanuki…and just in case you're still confused…" Doumeki stopped mid sentence to lean in to give his boyfriend a passionate tonguing, "is that a good enough reminder?"

Watanuki panted a little, much to Sakura and Fay's amusement before giving a little nod.

To Fay's relief, they were able to maintained the casual and fun atmosphere till after dinner. That is until Doumeki renewed his interest in his welfare.

"I know it's not my place to ask…but what is bothering you?"

"Nothing…I'm just a little worried and…" Fay hesitated, unsure if he should open the particular topic as a conversation with Doumeki.

"And…?"

"He's never been with a man."

"Is that all you're worried about?"

"No."

"…," Doumeki waited for a while when Fay didn't continue, "did it feel right for you when you told him?"

Fay struggled for a while before answering.

"It was…at that moment."

Doumeki pursed his lips in contemplation, wondering how he should go about dispensing advice in this situation, and then realized that he couldn't do anything but to offer his silent stand of mental support.

"Are you afraid?"

"Very." Fay answered before sipping nervously at his glass of water. He refrained from picking at his fingers in order to not show just exactly how badly jumbled his nerves really are.

"He loves you. Don't you trust him enough?"

"I do. But I also don't exactly how to express everything that has happened to me."

"Sorry."

"So am I…"

"Look…I'm sorry to have forced you to talk about this." Doumeki said.

"You don't have to."

"Interested to hear how it's like for the first time for me and that idiot over there?" Doumeki asked with a sly smirk.

Fay's abrupt laughter at Doumeki's recount of the first encounter caught the attention of Watanuki, who unfortunately sent the whole narration collapsing, and a lover scurrying home to escape the evil clutches of his very pissed off boyfriend.

oooooooooooooooooooooooo

Ashura really tried very hard to get rid of the image in his mind, knowing exactly just how unprofessional he is at this moment. He was acutely aware of what was going to happen if he let his thoughts wander some more.

"Hey! Asshole. Whatever you're thinking in there…don't." Kurogane growled as he observed the expression on Ashura's face after describing his situation with Fay.

"If you don't like it don't come to me then."

"Sadly you're the only person I trust when it comes to Fay."

"What a tragic contradiction that is." Ashura drawled mockingly.

"Wouldn't you know…"

"How's the preparation for the trip? Is he happy?"

"He looks like it but I can't help feeling that something is off."

"You know this step is extremely difficult for him don't you?"

"I know. I just can't imagine how he really feels inside and what I should do when the time comes."

"I say you take baby steps and make sure he's comfortable with what you're doing. I've seen many reactions from my patients during the process of recovery. Some of them never like sex after, some of them jump right back in, still in denial and some like Fay…they want it but they still have trouble accepting the fact that they can still want sex after what happened."

"So you think he's ready?"

"Maybe not yet but he hopes he will be for your sake."

"You think that's the only reason?"

"Yes. Obviously, he trusts you enough for you to be the guy. Just remember, take things slow…let him set the pace."

"Mm humm…"

"And I need you to do something for me."

"What is it?"

"Tell me if there are any scars on his body if you see any."

"What? Why? He looks fine."

"Have you seen his body unclothed before?"

"How could I?"

"Ok, how about the toiletries, did you notice any missing razors, fabrics with bloodstains or anything."

"Not that I know of…the housekeeper would have informed me if she found anything amiss. What are you trying to say?"

"I'm suspect he is addicted to self mutilating."

"Why do you say that? How come you've never mentioned this to me before?"

"I didn't say anything because I wanted to observe him further, the stages of his condition are not linear so it's a little harder for me to gauge what kind of treatment to start with. But since now you have _questions of this nature_…I think it's a good time to talk to you about it." Ashura paused for a drink before he continued, "So far my treatment for him has covered various aspect of his psychology…he is doing exceptionally well although certain neurotic reactions still remain; I have difficulties getting him to allow us to do a through examination of his physical. He was adamant on not having it and we can't force him to do it, unlike in prison where the doctors have the right to use force on the inmates…so this fear of someone seeing his body might affect how your relationship will be progressing."

"This is complicated…What I don't understand is, if he refused to let you examine him why would he even want me to...?"

"He loves you," Ashura replied simply, "and because he wants his dignity back."

Kurogane huffed heavily and nodded his head.

"Just to prepare you, he might talk to you in detail what happened to him. What you've heard on those sessions that you were with him is only the tip of the iceberg. No matter how hard it is for you, you have to listen…_really listen_. It's crucial that you do so. He might also not want to deal with genital sexuality for the first tries. Like I mentioned earlier, take baby steps. Let him set the pace."

"What if he really is mutilating himself?"

"Just let me know if what I suspect is true,"

"Ok…that I can definitely do. Thanks for this."

"No problem, take care of him alright?" Ashura said as Kurogane waved out of his office.

oooooooooooooooooooooooo

Kurogane leaned back onto the couch and slouched into the soft depths of the cushion, sighing in relaxation. They were leaving tomorrow afternoon for a week in the paradise island, nestled in the waters of the French Polynesian. He was plenty nervous just thinking about it and it seems the blonde was too, only he was more subdued in showing it. He really wanted to pamper him and show the blonde that he deserves to be courted. He scoffed at his ability to be sappy, remembering how shocked his friends were when they knew he was bringing a lover abroad. Not that he had ever traveled before but he was never known to splurge on his flings, so they got the message that this was something special. The only thing he felt bad about was that he had kept the whole affair from his mum; he didn't want to have Miyo nosing over them during this critical period.

He watched Fay fussed in the kitchen digging his secret spots for his sweets and smiled. He's so adorable when he does that. The blonde really believed that he didn't know where he stashed them. He remembered that he used to throw every single pile he chanced upon, thinking a diet so chock full of junk food just isn't healthy. But as time went by, he started to indulge the blonde feeling that it was what little sweetness he could get for a life so full of hardships.

"Can you spare me a chocolate bar and some of the stuffed mochi?" he called out to Fay watching the blonde's expression of surprise before it soften into a smile and he bent down to search for what the red eye man requested.

"Never thought you will crave for these..." Fay said as he handed Kurogane his sweets and sat down an appropriate distance away. Kurogane frowned before he reached across and pulled the slender frame flushed against his side, feeling the distinct poking of sharp hipbones by his waist.

"I told you before I don't dislike sweets but I don't eat them as often as you do, which makes me really curious. How could you be so skinny when you consume half a ton of these everyday?"

Fay laughed softly as he shook his head. He unwrap the caramel bar in his hand at the same time and popped it into his mouth, savoring the sweet creaminess of it spreading across his tongue, eyes closed as he indulged in the sensation. Kurogane watched on fondly as the blonde consumes the candy bar, momentarily forgetting the television show that he was watching earlier.

"What?" Fay asked sliding his fingers around his lips, trying to rub off an unknown stain when he noticed Kurogane looking at him intently.

"Nothing, it's nice to see you like that," Kurogane said quietly as he rest his arm on Fay's shoulder, letting his fingers graze at the nape of his slender neck, playing with the strands of hair at the end.

Fay looked at the red eye man feeling luxuriant from his gaze, so full of tender emotions. He lifted his caramel bar and held it infront of Kurogane, offering him a share. Kurogane smiled lifting up his chocolate bar in return.

"I've got this!" he chuckled gleefully as he pulled off the wrapper carelessly and bit a large chuck of the block, chewing frivolously and staining his lips and teeth a total brown before throwing the blonde a toothy grin.

Fay stared wide eye at the red eye man's uncharacteristic behavior before he started laughing at Kurogane's childish display of goofiness. Sometimes, there is no need for words to describe the subtle turning point of a relationship. It's a quiet transition when mutual understanding is exchanged by the look in the eyes of that special someone, or, something as simple as a moment full of warmth shared by a couple newly in love. Kurogane felt that that simple laugh he wrought from the blonde was their defining moment. The unadulterated sound of pure hilarity and the bright sparkle of shimmering azure, it is the second time he had witnessed the blonde in an ecstatic rapture. But this time it was different, their feelings were different, and it was at that moment, Kurogane felt that they really connected. Kurogane grinned beside him, reaching down to pick up the caramel bar Fay had let slip from his fingers in his moment of mirth and placed it on the coffee table. He straightens up and brushed his hand through blonde strands to tidy them. Fay sobered by the touch turned his gaze to the red eye man, the warmth of that hand…so treasured it should be. He leaned into it with a slight smile on his face. He couldn't say exactly what it was but something happened there…subtly changing.

"Come here." Kurogane said as he shifted and pulled on leg up against the couch, leaning his thigh against it with his back resting on the armrest.

Fay moved and settled between those strong muscular thighs with Kurogane's arms around his waist pulling him tight against him. He allowed his head to fall back on the firm planes of the red eye man's shoulder and closed his eyes. It was the first time he had so freely allowed himself to be held this way, not by someone's initiative or forced. It had been an invitation from a man who could offer him strength, warmth, love and shelter…it was what that was presented in those arms that he needs not want. It was his salvation that was offered in these arms that are holding him right now; he thought with a peaceful smile.

oooooooooooooooooooooooo

The plane landed with a hard jolt on the graphite tar ground of Motu Mute, but Fay's eyes never left the clear turquoise blue of the sea and clear blue skies dotted with giant puffs of white fluffy clouds beyond the grounds of the tiny airport. Already, he had been mesmerized by the coves of islands from the air when the plane was approaching Bora Bora. It truly is an indescribable place of beauty. Fay never dreamt that he could have the opportunity to travel to exotic places with someone he likes, and to feel this particular joy coursing through his body Kurogane smiled as he noted the excitement in the blonde's eyes, jet lag forgotten. He stood up to collect their luggage before reluctantly pulling Fay away from the tiny window he was looking out from.

"Come on, I promise the view is much better once you get out of the plane." He teased.

Fay apologized sheepishly as he stood up to follow Kurogane out of the plane. He stretched his arms out under the bright tropical sun, savoring the light humid warmth. It was good, the air smelt good and he has never felt more relaxed in his life. They headed down to Vaitape quay with the staff from the resort they were going to be staying at with a few other guests to wait for the boat shuttle. Fay was still very much in awe of the scenery around them, so much so that he failed to notice the other surprise Kurogane was trying to show him. The red eye man smiled to himself. This was what he likes about the blonde, if it had been anyone else, they would have been squealing in delight at the resort he had chosen. How could anyone not? Four Seasons? He slang a non-descript black bag over his shoulder containing the art materials of the blonde, he had packed it secretly while the blonde was busy with something else because he was sure he would love to capture at least a piece of this paradise forever on his canvases.

Ten minutes later, they were at the resort and checked into their bungalow, one that was right at the edge over the water, furthest away from the beach. Kurogane deliberately asked for this to ensure their utmost privacy and purely because it has the best view in the whole resort. Fay dropped his sling bag on the bed immediately and headed out to the deck when his eyes caught sight of the plunge pool, he looked at Kurogane with a glorious smile that seemed even sunnier then the sun before jumping into the pool without taking off his clothes whooping in joy. Kurogane snorted before bursting out in euphoric laughter as he watched the blonde struggle for a while as he splashed to the side of the pool clumsily and clung to the sides, it took a while for Kurogane to figure that the blonde didn't know how to swim.

"Are you insane? You don't know how to swim!" He exclaimed still chuckling in mirth.

Fay twisted his head comically around, hair plastered on his forehead covering most of his eyes, a smile that stretched from the end of one cheek to the other. Kurogane walked to the deck smiling along, taking off his tee-shirt, jeans and loafers, leaving only his briefs on before easing himself into the small pool wading towards the still laughing blonde. He swam closer feeling his thighs grazing Fay's in the water, stopping less then an inch away. He felt the blonde still within the water his head lowered just enough so that the reflecting rays of the water played across his features, he reached up and pushed the wet strands away revealing clear blue eyes, so light and clear now that the sunlight was shining down on it. He gently pried away the blonde's hand from the glass and placed it on his shoulders instead. The chilled skin sending prickles of tingles to his body. He wounded his arm around Fay's waist and hauled him up to his height, the buoyancy of the water made the blonde lighter then he really is.

"You really like it here don't you?" Kurogane asked as he leaned in close, the tip of his nose almost touching Fay's, his hand slipping up along side the blonde's waist a casual caress yet full of intent.

"The sky will always be too dazzling for me." Fay replied "do I really belong here?"

TBC


End file.
